I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential.
And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.
QUERY
Word count 55,601 Okay, so while it is nice to have this information at the top, it's better to include it as part of a sentence. For example: SCARLET'S MOON, a young adult supernatural novel, is complete at 55,000 words.
Little Red Riding Hood is all grown up and hungry for blood in this smart and sassy retelling with vampires. Okay, I like the retelling and that you've mixed vampires in. But I think we need just a little bit more here. Is she herself a vampire. Always be as specific as possible.
What if there was more to the story of Little Red Riding Hood than anyone knew? What if the wolf was not a random attack, but carefully planned? Generally speaking hypothetical questions are a big no-no in queries.
Scarlet Ryder faces danger, intrigue and her own past in Scarlet's Moon, the first in the Blood-Cloak series. I'd cut this entire sentence. It's too vague. As a young child, Scarlet's family was killed, leaving her an orphan in Victorian England. A week before her 21st birthday, WOH! 21 is too old for YA! Can you age her down? 17. Even 18 would probably be okay. Scarlet learns a deep and frightening secret about her family that sets her on the path to her destiny as a vampire queen. You need to tell us the secret or not mention it. This is not the time to be coy. The last thing the werewolves want is Scarlet alive to bring order to the chaos of the vampire clans. Huh? Where are these werewolves suddenly coming from? Scarlet finds herself drawn into the hidden world of vampires, espionage, murder, and the ancient war between the vampires and werewolves. On top of it all, Scarlet is juggling new romances and her adoptive father is hot on the trail of Jack the Ripper, adding to her fear and uncertainty. Okay, this is all over the place. You mention Scarlet becoming a vampire queen, then a war with werewolves, and then a romance and adoptive father and Jack the Ripper. What you don't mention is how all of this ties together.
Supernatural suspense, mystery, romance, and a little historical fiction await in this fractured fairy tale re-imagined. No. Pick a genre. Were would this fit on the shelf. I'd say historical fantasy. Or fairy-tale retelling.
Ashley L. Hunt has been published in eight anthologies, including Forgotten Places, Devil's Armory, Barbarian Crowns, For The Love of Leelah, JEApers Creepers, Caleuche Chronicles, 13 Bites Vol. III, and Plan 559 From Outer Space Mk. II. Good bio!
The complete manuscript is available upon request; the first chapter is enclosed to be read at your leisure. Not sure about the "read at your leisure" thing - agents are not reading at their leisure - it's their job. This comes off a little snotty, although I don't think that's your intention. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Chapter 1. The Road to Grandmother's House
Dead leaves scrambled over the old forest road, scraping across the hard dirt like fingernails desperate to escape from a coffin. This first sentence seems to be trying too hard. I'd pick either the scrambling over the forest road bit or the fingernails across the coffin, but both feels like too much. Young Scarlet Ryder skipped among those leaves, stomping on the strays and kicking her sturdy boots through the piles where they gathered. The bold eight year old girl had lived in the small village near the woods all her life. Despite the whispers of her neighbors and the tales from the other children, she had never been afraid of the shortcut to the town on the other side. She enjoyed traversing the old wood road alone. Good character introduction. Has fairy tale feel, but is distant - doesn't make me really care about Scarlet.
On that particular autumn day, Scarlet was on a quest of significant importance. A quest that would change her entire life forever. She had been charged to deliver a basket of honey cakes to her grandmother. But is it really that important to deliver honey cakes?
"Scarlet, Listen to me. This is important,” her mother insisted as she tied the girl’s red wool hood, "Go directly to your grandmothers and under no circumstances are you to go anywhere else. Stay on the path. "
"I shan't mother. I know the way," Scarlet promised, "I won't leave the path. " I feel like if you are doing a retelling of a fairy tale you really need to do quite a bit of remixing and reimagining to make it feel fresh and new. This feels like it hews just a bit too closely to the original.
And she didn't... until she found the flowers. Small white, vibrant flowers like the ones her grandmother loved dearly, the flowers Grandmother always gathered. There was a small clump growing just off the path. Without the slightest hesitation, Scarlet stepped into the still green grass and gathered great handfuls of these white flowers. Just a way to eliminate wordiness.
"Well, well, well, little one. What brings such a small child into the wood alone?" an unfamiliar voice queried. Scarlet shot straight up looking for the source of this question.
A man was standing a stone’s throw away, leaning by a tree. He had broad shoulders and flaming eyes. Eyes like a wolf... dark, menacing, and ravenous. The unknown man circled Scarlet. Curiously, he never came within the ring of flowers Rather he edged around patch closely. His gleaming teeth brought a shiver to Scarlet's spine. Yet his smile remained friendly.
Instinctively, Scarlet retreated into the middle of the flower patch. The stranger’s menacing eyes shone darkly in the artificial twilight beneath the trees. Their eyes locked. An eerie stillness fell over the forest. Time seemed to stop, and all Scarlet could hear was her own breath. The distant cry of a bird broke the spell and Scarlet bolted, her feet flying for the road that now seemed miles away. Hard, pounding footfalls told the young girl she was pursued. Wide-eyed and panting, Scarlet ran down the road, too afraid to look back. Cloak billowing out behind her, lungs burning, and her poor little legs begging for a rest, Scarlet saw the most welcome sight she could imagine: Grandmother’s house at the end of town. With an extra burst of speed born of desperation, Scarlet flew to the wooden house. She ran through the heavy door, thumping it closed behind her, locking the scary man outside. Only to find
herself in a much more horrific scenario. Nice action here. It definitely picks up nicely!
In the waking world, a door slammed two floors below, jarring twenty year old Scarlet awake. She pushed aside her delicate white curtains and looked out the dark window to the muddy, cobble stoned streets of London. And nice cut from past Scarlet to present Scarlet.
