I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential.
And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.
And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about here.
Dear ___________(insert agent name),
Due to ___________ (insert reason for querying this specific agent), I thought you would be interested in my novel THE CINDER KNIGHT, a YA action-adventure retelling of Cinderella I'd put a period here and then put the rest of this sentence on it's own, otherwise it gets a bit unwieldy. wherein an abused servant boy seeks to earn his knighthood by accepting a mission offered to him by an undercover princess, You could even put another period here, and make this next part it's own sentence, especially since reading it I wasn't immediately certain whose skills it was referring to. whose skills with a blade are rivaled only by her skills of deception. A standalone novel with series potential complete at 80,000 words, THE CINDER KNIGHT will appeal to young adults of any gender I'd cut the any gender bit, I know you're saying it will have universal appeal, but I think your comps are really good and you don't need to go further than that. who love Meyer’s The Lunar Chronicles, Redwine’s The Shadow Queen, or the film Stardust.
At eighteen, Elliot Cendrilon’s only hope of reprieve from a life of servitude to his abusive stepfather is secretly sparring in the Woodland Games to save enough winnings to buy his freedom. But after nearly three years undefeated—and with his prize now finally within reach—an armored newcomer arrives whose skills far exceed Elliot’s own. This feels a little overly wordy in some places, but overall is good.
But The sentence before this also started w but. I'd cut the but. this new adversary hides more than one secret beneath his helmet: not only is he a she, but she is the princess and the sole heir to the Mittelan throne. I'd chop this into 2 or even 3 sentences.
Princess Chara has no interest in the Woodland Games or its prize. She entered the Games in search of a champion Wait... she's entering the games to find a champion even though her skills are better than the guy who's won this thing for the past 3 years straight? Logic-wise this doesn't make sense to me. to help her win the war against Norrfalt, relieving her from the marriage alliance ordered upon her by the power-hungry Grand Duke. Taking on a false identity, Chara tricks Elliot into escorting her on her foolhearted is this a word? quest, period. but when a lethal rebellion pits them against one another, the pair may never again cross swords as allies.
Unless they can join forces, Elliot’s last chance at freedom from a lifetime in service will be gone, Chara will become the new king’s powerless wife, and Mittelan will lose its independence forever. Great! Very clear what's at stake here.
As a Creative Writing graduate from Valparaiso University, I have enjoyed time working in marketing as well as exploring writing fiction for young adults. I am currently a fiction and freelance writer in Eastern Tennessee. Thank you again for your time and consideration of my work. Great bio to finish it up!
Sincerely,
THE CINDER KNIGHT
CHAPTER ONE: THE SERVANT BOY
“Elliot! Get in here, boy! The fire is dying!” His voice pealed from the cottage window, cutting through the silent evening frost. This feels a little overly wordy, which I noticed in your query as well. It's a problem I struggle with as well (I also like overly long sentences too - maybe that goes hand in hand with wordiness). I feel like the voice pealing, then also cutting through the silent (is frost ever not silent?) is just a bit over the top and feels like it's trying to hard. I was almost eighteen, yet my stepfather still called me boy.
I had split enough wood to get us through the night, so I gathered the pieces into the fabric carrier and started towards the house. My hands were sticky with sap, but I wouldn’t bother trying to scrub it off when I'd be out chopping again at first light.
“What does it even matter?” Raymond whined to his father as I hauled the heavy load across the undecorated feels odd to mention this - how should it be decorated? living room and dumped it into the broken Almorian trunk we used as a wood box. “We stand no chance of conscription. Let the commoners kill one another off. Our countries will only be stronger for it.”
“You fool,” Silas snipped, “under Norrfalt rule, we have no guarantee we would retain our business, our exemptions, or even our title. Would you like a job as a scullery maid? Or to be conscripted and sent to the front lines like the other boys your age?”
Lucas, Silas’ younger son, didn’t weigh in on his father and brother’s conversation. Nor did I. I knew better than to speak up when it came to matters of politics. Or any matter, really. If I wanted to keep away from the end of Silas’s belt, I listened and remained silent. But even that wasn’t always enough. The web of scars on my back proved that.
Instead, I focused on building the fire while Silas continued lecturing his sons on the border war as they retired from the sitting room to their bedrooms upstairs. I followed them up with an armful of firewood. I tended to the fire in the bedroom that my stepbrothers shared as both boys lounged in their beds, pretending I did not exist.
Overall, the writing here is good. I would attempt to vary the lengths of your sentences a bit more. Mostly, for me, this lacks the kind of voice that I want in first person to immediately pull me in. I don't get much of a sense how your MC feels about all that's going on around him. Is he resigned? Too tired to care? Burning angry beneath the actions he's carrying out? Also, while it makes sense for Cinderella to stay on as a maid in her family's home, it makes less sense for a boy who has more options in the world and more freedom to strike out on his own. I can't help but wonder why he's there putting up with that at 18 or why he'd worry about his stepfather's belt when he's strong enough to split and carry wood and could probably take his stepfather in a fight. These questions may get answered as the story goes on, but you need to get to them quickly if they are already bothering me on page one. If readers don't buy into the world of the story they may not get past that first page.
