PitchWars Critique - MUSE

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent,

Do you love everything about your life? So there has been much written (not by me but you can find some mention of it here, here, and here) about whether or not to begin a query with a hypothetical question. Overall, the consensus is that you really should NOT use them. Thirteen year-old This is not a good age for a YA novel protagonist Piper Curtis certainly loves everything about hers. She has a mother and father who love her, a sister who is her best friend and isn’t afraid to stand up for her, and she’s also the top student in her ballet class. On top of all that, she’s taking a two-week family vacation to Paris, her favorite place in the entire world. Life couldn’t possibly get any better! And that’s when things spiral out of control. Muse, my 47,087 word novel, is the first in a planned series of two It's better to say is a standalone novel with series potential and tells the story of what happens when the most precious thing in life is taken away from you. So you have this really long paragraph telling us a lot of non-essential details and then when you finally get to the conflict (something happens in Paris!) you are super vague. Try instead: Thirteen year old Piper Curtis has a wonderful life that only gets better when her family announces a two-week family vacation to Paris. Unfortunately, that's when things spiral out of control. MUSE (all caps is the usual format for query letters. Also the genre and category is usually included as in: young adult thriller) tells the story of a girl who is kidnapped and how her family finds her again.

The day after landing in Paris, Piper and her family, as well as Derek Stephens, an old friend of her father’s, take a trip to the Louvre museum, a place that Piper has always wanted to visit. After their trip, she spends that night and most of the next day sick in bed, much to her chagrin. Her father, Damian, stays behind with her and they spend a day talking, laughing and playing Uno while the others go sightseeing. That evening, when Derek and the rest of the family return to the hotel, Damian goes to meet them while she stays behind to shower and freshen up before dinner. When they arrive back in their room, they make a startling discovery…Piper has disappeared! Naturally, questions begin to present themselves: Where is she? Who has taken her and, most importantly, why? And soon, what was supposed to be a relaxing and fun once-in-a-lifetime vacation turns into a race against the clock to find her and bring her home alive. Okay, two problems here. 1. Wwwaaayy too much detail about unimportant stuff. This is a query not a synopsis - you only want the most essential information to understand the basic plot of the story. 2. Again this does not seem like a YA story. Piper disappears and it seems like the rest of the story is about her parents trying to find her. That's an adult novel. Or if it focuses on her sister finding her - then the sister is the main character and should be the one spotlighted in the first paragraph.

Three days after Piper’s disappearance, Damian and the others are met by Special Agent Cole of the F.B.I. He tells them that he believes their daughter has been taken by a man known only as The Muse Killer, a man whom he has been tracking ever since abductions started almost ten years ago in Australia. He also tells them of the first known survivor, a young woman named Daisy Marshall, and suggests that they go to see her in hopes that her story might be able to shed some light on an otherwise dark situation. It is decided that they will go to Australia, and when they arrive at Daisy’s home, she quickly forms a bond with Piper’s sister Lilly, who, though usually bright and full of life, has spiraled into a deep depression and blames herself for not being able to protect her sister.

After a short stay in Australia, the group, with Daisy in tow, returns to Paris where, with the help of Daisy’s information and a cryptic phone call from Derek, they learn that Piper is being held in an airline hangar at a small airport outside the city. Though things don’t go as planned, she is found alive and well and after a brief stay in the hospital, she and her family return home where life slowly but surely begins to return to normal. However, questions from before still remain. They still don’t understand who took Piper and why, but these questions form the basis of and will be answered in the forthcoming sequel. You really don't want to leave a lot of questions dangling for a sequel - that would be a turn-off for both publishers and agents. 

The story itself is told in three parts totaling twenty-seven chapters, and is written from a third-person omniscient POV.  You don't need this information.

As for myself, I only recently discovered a true love for writing, though I really began writing earnestly back in 2001, composing poetry for my own enjoyment. As of now, I have over four hundred poems and have written several other currently unpublished novels, with several more in the works. I attended Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia from 2004-2008 with a major in English, and took at least ten English courses ranging from Children’s Literature to Shakespeare. I also wrote devotionals for my church’s monthly newsletter for four years.

Should you find yourself further interested in Muse, I would be happy to send you the full manuscript for your review. In any case, I thank you for your time.

You'll notice I crossed out A LOT of your query and this is because you really want to keep them on the shorter side. Think of what would be printed on the back of a book - you want just the essential story information. I would recommend checking out Query Shark for some really great examples of what not to do.

Prologue 

to the rescue

 

   The blue-black clouds of night slowly retreated into the sky as the first signs of dawn peeked out from over the horizon; perhaps an ominous sign of things to come. I feel like the sun rising is usually the opposite of an ominous sign - it's usually seen as hopeful. As the caravan sped toward the stark white hangar in the distance, the man and his daughter silently prayed. When they had reached the end of their path, they watched from inside the black SUV as other similar vehicles pulled up next to them, followed by SWAT vans carrying a multitude of agents.

   He had been told to remain in the car until given the okay over the earpiece he wore in his left ear. He waited what seemed like an eternity, mind and heart racing at the prospect of seeing his youngest daughter again. There had been no gunshots or shouts that would indicate they had been set up; nothing but silence. Then he heard it, the voice of the agent in charge telling him all was clear. This does not read as YA when it's mostly from the POV of an adult.

   “Stay here Lilly…” he said to the girl that sat next to him in the back seat of the car. Could you rewrite this scene from Lilly's perspective instead?

   She nodded silently and he slowly opened the door and got out, unsure of what he might find in the hangar. Lilly, thankfully, had been spared from harm. Shortly after Piper’s disappearance, the F.B.I. got in contact with them and they began devising a plan to rescue Piper; this was the execution of that plan.

So overall, I feel like this is not a young adult novel - which is totally okay! But it's good to know where your novel would fit in the market when trying to find an agent so that's definitely something you want to have a better feel for.

PitchWars Critique - BLACK BUTTERFLY

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent,

BLACK BUTTERFLY is my 60,000 word YA thriller with a young Jason Bournesque Might be cleaner to just say Jason Bourne type character main character who begins the story as an unwitting unreliable narrator and turns into one that manipulates the reader until the shocking end of the story. This is a bit too general to work as a first sentence type pitch for your story. Instead try getting more specific using this pitch formula: When OPENING CONFLICT happens to CHARACTER(s), they have to OVERCOME CONFLICT to COMPLETE QUEST. To read more about writing your pitch sentence check out this link.

Black Butterfly, so called for the tattoo on her Her? Okay, did not get from first paragraph that MC is a girl - especially with the Jason Bourne reference. hip, wakes up on the Jersey side of the Holland Tunnel to a country destroyed by terrorist attacks. Except for a snatch of nightmarish memory, she remembers nothing—not even her name—though her body recalls an unsettling repertoire of violent talents. 

Make this it's own paragraph. Off-gridders from upstate New York, Elijah and his mother, Imah, take her in and mend her wounds. Through their friendship, they offer her a sanctuary of kindness that she doesn’t need a memory to know she’s never had. Well... technically yeah she does need a memory to know she never had it. But maybe it's something that feels totally foreign? From them, she learns that most citizens are obeying orders to stay home or in shelters, but they and other activists are headed to Washington, D.C. for a rally. Black Butterfly joins them as they trek by foot down I-95.

Bursts of memories begin to surface, offering insight into Black Butterfly’s dark past. An encounter with Luke, a young man who is part of a mysterious agency, reveals that they both played a role in the attacks. The more she remembers, the more her worst suspicions are confirmed: Black Butterfly is a government spy and has put her new friends’ lives at risk simply by being associated with them. Leaving them behind, she heads to the agency’s headquarters to set things right, no matter what the cost. Or does she? Faced with a choice of starting over or obeying the agency’s strict training, Black Butterfly will keep the reader guessing if she’s on the side of righteousness or evil. I like how you wrapped it up here!

First page:

Thin arms wrap around me, cutting through the heat of flames and betrayal, and lift me in a feat of impossible strength. I don't think this is your strongest choice for an opening sentence - the imagery is vague and I don't know who these thin arms belong to. Maybe cut and start instead with the second sentence. The smell of burning is everywhere. Phantom screams pierce my ears, and the stench of charred flesh stings my nose. The horrors are gone as quick as they come.

The only thing left is a single thought lodged into the void that is my brain: I must complete my mission.

Just a memory. My only memory.

My eyelids flutter open to ash. Covering the ground. Floating on trees. Coating my tongue with a chalky paste. It’s like looking at the world through a screen. An eerie quiet blankets the world, no hum of traffic or squawk of animals to be heard.

As soon as I can think past the terrifying memory of fire, I take a slow breath. The taut muscles of my body are sore, though I remain still. A more persistent, burning pain radiates from the skin on my hip. But it’s my head that hurts the worst.

Hard metal chills my sore back. I’m on a gurney. Outside. In a parking lot. The cloud cover makes it hard to tell what time of day it is, but my best guess is early morning. I don’t know what day it is, or what year for that matter. I grasp for something about myself to hold on to, but my name, my age, my past are all a blank.

Holding my hands up in front of my face, I search them for answers. The thin fingers look delicate but feel strong as I flex them. Underneath the grime the pale skin is youthful, and a chipped but expertly applied French manicure winks out from beneath the soot. A faded scar runs the length of my right ring finger down to my knuckle.

I turn over my hands. The lifeline on my palm is long and deep, and dirty, but it tells me nothing about who I am.

I consider what I do know. The names of the objects around me. Clouds. Tree. Traffic light, which curiously is dark, not even blinking yellow. I can recite the state capitals, all of the countries and their capitals, the order and names of the first 46 presidents of the United States. If I had a knife and fork I would know how to use them. I can load a gun. The odd assortment fills my mind in a flash, but there’s nothing personal there, only detached facts. There are a lot of amnesiac heroines (and heroes) in YA (hey! I even wrote one myself!) and so to make yours stand out, you really need to do something original. This opening with the girl in the middle of disaster and no memory of who she is feels like something I've seen before. Is there another point you could start at - maybe a little further into the story - that might be a little fresher? Overall, though, the writing is good!

PitchWars Critique - CROWN OF GOLD AND BLOOD

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Mentor,

As the nineteenth century bleeds into the twentieth, Allegria Fox has grown up in a world built by her runaway sister's fairy tales--a sharp contrast to the poverty and isolation that surround her as the daughter of a small town prostitute. Ooh! I am intrigued! But when she survives a brutal assault by murdering her attackers with nothing but her thoughts, she is whisked off to high society Manhattan, a world of obscene wealth ruled by an exiled Unseelie fairy queen. Maybe "fends off a brutal attack" instead of survives? The queen takes a special interest in Allegria and offers to fulfill her heart’s deepest desire.  Allegria is shrewd enough to know that nothing comes without a price, but she can't imagine anything she won't sacrifice to find her sister, even if she has to blacken her heart along the way. Okay, so far so good. I like how we are seeing conflict and what's at stake for Allegria.

As the queen draws her into a web of opulence and lies, Allegria learns that she is the heiress to a dangerous legacy that makes her a target for Seelie and Unseelie fairies alike.  In order to survive and claim her birthright, she has to rely on new allies with ties of their own to the fairy world, including the queen’s cynical adopted daughter whose dark skin makes her an outcast among the Knickerbocracy and a roguish viscount who has has offered his heart to the queen in order to save his disgraced family. They, along with a secretly sapphic society darling and a set of cursed twins, must use their logic, will, and ruthlessness to save themselves and their world from becoming collateral damage in a fairy war. This is great!

Crown of Gold and Blood (77,000 words, YA) is a Gilded Age gothic fairy tale where the glitzy, elegant setting highlights the nightmarish decay lurking just below the surface. It features the old world glamour of Edith Wharton with a twist of Holly Black and is the first in a planned trilogy. Again, very nice. I love the comps.

Thank you for your consideration. Please let me know if you would like to see any more material. 

This is a really solid query. Great job!

Allegria Fox didn’t think anything bad could happen to her in the woods.  She had always felt far safer there than in her mother’s house, where threats lurked everywhere--in her mother’s every mood shift, and her mother's clients’ every leer.  The woods weren’t without their dangers.  There were bears and wolves and more, but they gave her peace if she gave them the same, which was more than could be said for most people she knew.

She grew up playing in the woods with her sister, Ivy, whenever their mother was entertaining a client.  Often, they spent most of the day there pretending to be princesses or mermaids or witches in stories that Ivy made up, and gorging themselves on berries and apples that would serve as at least two of their daily meals.  Sometimes, when she walked through the woods now, it was easy to pretend that her sister was still there beside her, but Ivy left Blueridge a year ago for New York and hadn’t sent so much as a letter since.  

Allegria tried not to miss her, especially since Ivy didn’t seem to miss her at all.  If she did, she would have come back for her like she’d promised.  Allegria waited for months.  She had even saved up for a worn, threadbare carpetbag that she kept packed with everything she owned under her bed.  But as time passed, she gradually unpacked it piece by piece until it lay deflated.  Not that she blamed her sister.  She understood that when a person emerged from hell in one piece, they weren't quick to brave fire and brimstone again, no matter what promises were made. 

Without Ivy to act as peacekeeper, it was only Allegria and her mother at home, stuck together like two wild animals in the same cage.  They were rabid and vicious and—powerless to the outside world—they took their fury out on one another.  Allegria thought she would hate her if she didn’t pity her so much.  Love must have been mixed in there too, but her feelings were so hopelessly knotted together that it was impossible to say for sure. This is all good stuff and really well written, BUT it's backstory. Could you maybe weave it in a bit later and instead keep us in the now of the story?

The walk between the hotel where she worked as a maid and her house was short, but the winding path through the woods took nearly three times that and she was happy for the extra time.  They were the only minutes she had that were hers alone, where she owed nothing to anyone.  Not empty politeness, not unearned respect, not fake smiles. Yes this. I feel like this would more logically follow the first paragraph about thinking nothing bad can happen in the woods.

Her feet knew the path well enough on their own and her mind could wander to places she could never reach, places far beyond Blueridge and even Maine altogether.  She let Ivy's stories come back to her and work under her skin.  She was too old now to believe in magic or a fair world, but she could never let the idea of them go completely.  If she didn't believe in them at least a little, she didn't know that she would be able to get out of bed in the morning.  She didn't know what the point would be in opening her eyes.

The transition betwen the last paragraph and this one could be a bit smoother. The sun was sinking fast in the sky, slicing through the leaves overhead and warming her face with the last bit of the day's light.  If she closed her eyes, she could almost believe that she wasn't there at all.  She could be a character in one of Ivy's stories: an explorer on an uncharted island, a queen standing amongst her subjects, an heiress meeting a pirate for a moonlit rendezvous.

Again the transition here is a bit weak. Thomas Driscoll’s was the first voice she heard, loud and mean as it had been even when they were children.

“Allegria Fox.” 

Overall, this is really good and I would definitely be intrigued and wanting to read more. 

PitchWars Critique - THE OUTSIDER

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent:

Sixteen-year-old Gardner Hightower has special hands. At the briefest touch, he can sour milk, decompose living wood, and even blacken human flesh with gangrene. I like the specific details here.

Born into a unique bloodline refined through selective inbreeding, he is just one of several family members possessing supernatural abilities. However, his power sets him apart from the others because of its destructive nature, having claimed both his mother’s and twin brother’s lives on the night of his birth. Raised by the vindictive patriarch of the clan to believe that he is a monster, he has spent his entire life behind the iron gates of Hightower manor, spared death only because of a prophecy his mother gave as the life bled out of her. Again really nice specific details here.

Everything changes when Gardner’s sister gives another prophecy, this time insisting that their mother lied as a means to protect him and get revenge against his father. Instead of his death resulting in his father’s death, if he survives past his seventeenth birthday, his father is destined to die at Gardner’s hands. WOH! Holy convoluted sentence batman! Also I'm a bit confused between the previous mention of the mother's prophecy and now the sister's prophecy. So much prophecy! Maybe simplify by first stating what the actual prophecy is, and then saying but another prophet says the mother's vision was a lie. Driven from his home, Gardner finds refuge with a travelling circus. But with his father quickly closing in on him and his power spiraling out of control, Gardner  must decide if he should let fate guide his hand or follow his own path in life. Yet in the end, he may not have a choice in the matter. Okay, I'm having a hard time telling where the heart of this  novel is. It seems like maybe most of the story is Gardner with the travelling circus (although I could be wrong). If that is the case then we need less backstory and more of what actually happens when he's with the circus.

THE OUTSIDER is a 62,000 word YA Gothic fantasy novel with strong elements of neo-Victorianism and horror. That word count strikes me as a bit low for a fantasy novel, but that just might be me.

On December twenty-first of my sixteenth year, I woke with the knowledge that something terrible was going to happen. I just wasn’t sure what. I feel like this should be intriguing but it's not really grabbing me. I feel like the whole 'something is going to happen but I don't know what' is the weakness here. Compare this to the opening of THE SCORPIO RACES by Maggie Stiefvater (an amazing opening and one of my favorite books as well): "It is the first day of November and so, today, someone will die." Not every first sentence has to give you chills (like this one does me) but it should have an extra something more than your average sentence to that really reaches out to the reader and forcibly pulls them into the world of the story.

I stayed in bed for a good twenty minutes after waking, toying with my vague disquiet the same way I used to toy with the gaps left over after my baby teeth had fallen out.  Then, when I grew tired of that and my mental probing did nothing to uncover the source of my unease, I climbed out of bed. This is fine, but again for the opening of a book I'm just not sure that it's strong enough to really grab the reader. Is there a place you could begin the story where your MC is a bit more active?

Breakfast was delivered to my room through an opening in the door, but no matter when I woke, the food was always cold. Even if I sat waiting for the little flap to swing forward on its rusty hinges, the meal was never more than lukewarm by the time it arrived.

Breakfast had been delivered sometime before. Silver dishware on a silver tray, which I carried to the small table that faced the window overlooking the front lawn. Over a cheerless meal of congealed porridge, burnt toast, and strawberry slices, I watched the gardeners working below.

I liked to imagine stories for the workers. I’d given each of them names and elaborate histories, torn from the pages of books. A voracious reader, I devoured every story I could get my hands on. Elliot would bring books for me, and during the midnight hours, I’d sneak into the library on the second floor. Though the built-in shelves were stacked from ceiling to floor with books of all genres, until I’d come along, their only purpose had been to collect dust. I read a great deal in the hours between dusk and dawn.

The stories took me places. Sometimes I’d get lost in a novel, and next thing I’d know, five hours had passed. My only friends were the characters in the books, who couldn’t hurt me and who I couldn’t hurt.  

So the writing here is good overall, but I really feel like this is not the best place to start your story, because nothing is happening yet. Your MC wakes up, lies in bed, has breakfast, and then thinks about his love of books. I have no hint of conflict or what is to come. I get only the vaguest sense of the world. And I get not even the slightest hint of your MC's powers mentioned in the query. I recommend looking for another spot, perhaps a bit further into the story, where the action and inciting event begin. Good luck!  

PitchWars Critique - JAMES RHYDER AND THE CAVE OF DREAMS

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent,

I'm eager to write to you today as I saw on your profile that you were interested in middle grade fantasy stories (with additional thing here if applicable). I thought you would enjoy my novel James Rhyder and the Cave of Dreams. It's standard to put the title in ALL CAPS. I doubt it would be a deal-breaker for anyone, but it does help your title POP. 

Fourteen-year-old James Rhyder doesn't know anything about dreamwalkers, not even the fact that they are illegal – until James finds out that he is one. 14 might be a bit old for middle grade. Also, I feel like if he doesn't know anything about dreamwalkers then it might be better to explain what exactly they are instead of focusing on the fact that they are illegal.

After the death of his sister and father, James is willing to go anywhere to escape another summer stuck with his estranged mother. When he discovers a mysterious book that leads him to a secret summer camp for 'psions', better known as psychics to the outside world, it seems his luck may have changed. That is until James finds out that his natural ability to see the past, present, and future in his dreams could get him killed.

At first the unusual cabins, lessons, and development of new abilities at Camp Tutis seem like one of James' typically strange dreams. However, when the camp begins being awkward phrasing plagued by a series of attacks from outsiders, James starts to believe there may be more difficult things to deal with at camp than just learning how to control his new powers. 

This suspicion is confirmed when during one of his lessons James receives a cryptic warning from a dying Oracle about his role in what seems like the end of the world. If he can trust his new friends, and learn to control his new found abilities as a psychic James may be able to save this newly discovered world. If he can't, it may be the end of everything. Good last paragraph stating what is at stake.

James Rhyder and the Cave of Dreams, complete at 74,000 words is a MG fantasy novel set against a contemporary background that will appeal to fans of psychic based low fantasy in the vein of Gifts, and The Girl with the Silver Eyes. This word count seems a bit on the high end for MG. 

Overall this query is fairly strong.

Chapter 1

A Thief in Hell Hallow 

A dark blanketing of storm clouds bit into the humid summer night above Hell Hallow. This isn't a bad first sentence, BUT... starting with weather is one of those things that are usually listed as a don't. This sentence especially comes a bit too close to the "it was a dark and stormy night" cliche. Laron was a thin man who despised the natural cold of mountain towns, but tonight would be worth leaving the warmth of his fireplace, if he could find what he was looking for. I like this sentence way better for first sentence. His baggy blue traveling robe played around his softly stepping feet as he walked over the uneven bricks that spanned the old roads which led into town. Laron swore even though all the surrounding mountain paths and streets led into the town, none ever felt like they led out. He shivered involuntarily at this idea as he passed between rows of dilapidated houses which marked the entrance into 'old town' as the locals called it. I think you're spending a bit too much time here on walking through the town instead of moving the plot forward. 

The night felt darker here somehow, and though Laron was sure it was just his imagination he conjured a small ball of green fire from out of seemingly nowhere for peace of mind. This sort of a public display of energy was looked down upon in normal circumstances, however he knew most of the inhabitants of Hell Hallow were like him. Laron passed three other men in dark black cloaks who were in such deep conversation that they did not seem to notice him, before he turned a sharp corner and onto a dirt pathway. Laron wondered as he passed a shop filled with toys for the psion children how the normal people who still lived in the town -though they were getting fewer every passing year- explained all the oddities to their visiting families. Again, this feels like it's moving a bit too slowly. For adult or YA this pacing might work, but MG needs to be tighter and move faster.

Cold snaps of wind broke through the small gaps left by the brick-faced buildings. To the average man these bursts of air may have felt refreshing in the heat of the evening, but Laron's natural ability to control aspects of fire left him especially vulnerable to any types of cold. He learned at a young age having a slight distaste for cold would be perfectly understandable for someone like him, however his nearly debilitating reactions to even the slightest drop in temperature was not natural. The low melodic hum of music reassured him he was nearly to his final destination. I'd cut this whole paragraph. 

He ran the rest of the way up the sloping street and slipped into the uneven entry way of Galway's Pub and Inn just as a large gust shuddered the thick stone door. Laron had been here many times before, and was able to survive and make a meager living due to many of the men who were crowded around the tables. His thin fingers tingled at the thought of how much money he could walk away with on a night like tonight. The temptation to practice his thievery skills on a carelessly placed wallet next to an empty bar stool was almost too much to bear. However, the mission he was on tonight was worth more money than could be kept in a wallet, and he did not wish to risk getting tossed back out into the windy night. Okay, something is finally happening! Get to this paragraph sooner!

“Laron,” called the innkeeper from across the room. “You've got someone waiting for you in the back parlor. Would you like me to show you in or perhaps you'd like something warm to eat before heading back there?”

Scott the Innkeeper was a kind man who had the bad habit of agreeing with everyone about everything. His soft features, bald head, and seemingly constant quotations of poetry made Laron think Scott probably should have been a professor of English somewhere instead of keeping up this little inn in a fairly well hidden town. However, he was happy to have an honest man to watch out for him.

Laron raised a thick crimson eyebrow as Scott crossed the room towards him. “Do I need something to eat first?” he asked quietly.

“I think it might be wise to stay cautious,” Scott responded. His rounded stomach protruded slightly from the split in his white robes as he leaned in. “I know that the people you deal with aren't always trustworthy. But this one seems more shady than usual. I nearly didn't let him in the door when he showed up asking for you. A real dangerous type if you know what I m-mean,” he stuttered. “I'd eat and think about leaving if I were you.”

“I can't turn away a paying customer,” Laron replied with a sigh. “If I walk away every time a person I'm marking acts suspiciously I'd be living on the streets.”

Okay, this picks up toward the end, but I would definitely make some big cuts at the top of this page to improve the pacing. Also, I am a bit concerned that this is a MG novel but I have yet to see your MG main character.

PitchWars Critique - TWELVE MINUTES TO

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Mentor,

When seventeen-year olds Reyna and Morgan came out to their parents, both girls knew they would be met with hesitation. This reads as if Reyna and Morgan have the same parents, but I don't think that's the intention here. Also I feel like you could find a stronger word or phrase than "hesitation"  But neither expected one to be stolen away in the middle of the night. I think you need to name names here. Or specifically came at it from one character's POV. For example: Morgan knew coming out to her parents would be no picnic. And she figured it would be even worse for her friend Reyna. But she never expected Reyna to be stolen away in the middle of the night.

Once Reyna stared into the cold eyes of the man standing above her, she quickly realized waking up in the trunk of a car was only the beginning of her worries.  While physically restrained in a dusty attic, she desperately seeks ways to escape.  But what she doesn’t expect is the road of dark secrets the man takes her on and how it all circles to the family she’d always thought of as perfect. You need to be a bit more specific here. Phrases like "only the beginning of her worries" "road of dark secrets" and "how it all circles to the family" tell me nothing and don't especially make me want to know more. What exactly are the secrets she finds out? Even if you want to not give everything away - at least give something.

Finding herself in the middle of Reyna’s disappearance, How exactly is Morgan in the middle? Morgan works closely with a rookie detective sent to investigate.  While clues begin to point to someone trusted so dearly, she begins to question possible motives.  Again specifically who do the clues point to? But with a sudden appearance that shakes the case to its core, she knows no one will be the same again. This last sentence is nothing but cliches with "shakes to the core" and "no one will be the same". Sometimes these stock phrases can be helpful and even a little unavoidable, but again I think you really need to be more specific. What exactly is at stake? What does Morgan and Reyna have to do or overcome?

TWELVE MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT is a standalone YA thriller told in alternating POV’s and complete at 70,000 words.  I believe it will appeal to readers who enjoyed the alarming kidnapping saga of April Henry’s GIRL, STOLEN and the deadly family mysteries within Stephanie Kuehn’s COMPLICIT.  Great comps!

My passion for young adult fiction is matched by my career as a high school assistant librarian. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to talk to young adults every day about books. Their perspectives are invaluable to me as both a book lover, as a writer, and as an educator. I see their daily lives – their dramas, struggles, triumphs, and all the details that are so very important at this significant stage. Very nice bio!

The full manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.




Chapter One

Friday, 11:48 p.m.


The frantic screams on the other side of the door caused Morgan’s blood to run cold. You really do not want to use a cliche phrase like this in your very first sentence. Try to be more specific. What exactly is she hearing? What exactly is she seeing/feeling?

In spite of the warm breeze floating through the windows in her bedroom, it felt as if all the air around her was being sucked away.  Her heart raced fiercely, the veins in her neck thumped to a violent rhythm. Yes! All this is much better (and specific!) than blood running cold.  

And her mind ordered every muscle in her body not to move. I'd cut this. It distances me from the character and what is happening. A much simpler, "She froze" might serve you better.

Her eyes fixed on the red numbers glowing brightly from the cheap alarm clock on her nightstand.  The voices down the hall grew more frantic by the second, and Morgan was sure that no amount of wishing time to stop would calm them.  The owners were distinctly her father and childhood friend Emmett, but what had caused them to become so rattled was a mystery to her.  This last sentence reads a bit awkwardly. The owners of the voices? Why not just earlier say, "The voices of her father and childhood friend Emmet, grew more frantic by the second."

“Morgan!”

She slid off the side of her bed, wrinkling the sheets under her legs. She deeply inhaled the late August wind that blew into her room, her body more restless than it had been all day.  The humid air did nothing to help the sweat that beaded across her forehead or the pajamas that stuck to her back and thighs.  As Morgan slowly peered outside her bedroom and down the darkened hall, she briefly feared there wouldn’t be enough oxygen in her lungs to carry her toward her screaming father and friend. Okay, I feel like this paragraph has too much detail. And none of it is telling me anything important or giving any real insight into Morgan. She hears yelling but you still haven't said what the yelling is about. Is she just hearing indistinct animal groans and shouts? Or it is words? She must hear something and that should make her feel something and fear something. That's what I want to know about here, not the sheets wrinkling under her legs and the late August wind.

Sometimes, she thought, there’s never enough oxygen. Yes, this! I like this because it gives me insight into Morgan and how she is actually feeling.

Not much longer than the length of a truck, the distance from her room to the end of the hallway suddenly seemed infinitely longer.  She shuffled her feet along the floor and toward the yelling voices.  She ran her fingers along the walls, taking bits of chipping paint with her.  Just before she reached the end of the hall, she silently cursed herself for not grabbing the flashlight she kept in her nightstand. Okay, I didn't quite get before now that it's nighttime. So Morgan wakes up in the middle of the night to hear yelling? I feel like I want to know that sooner. And maybe get more of a sense of disorientation.

“Morgan!” her father yelled out.  “What took you so long?” 

Her father stood at the opened front door, the silhouette of his body illuminated by the glow of the half moon.  Thunder rumbled nearby, alerting everyone to an incoming midnight storm.  The electric scent grew more intense with each strike of lightning across the night sky.  Worse things were definitely on the way. I like this paragraph except the last sentence which lacks specificity. What worse things? Is this referring to the weather or the shouting or something else?

He paid no attention to the weather as he barely glanced over his shoulder to look at her before he returned his attention to Emmett, who was still on the other side of the door.  Hours earlier, after Emmett’s father demanded she leave his house, convinced she’d become an unexpected influence on his only daughter, Morgan spent the evening at home.  Shamed and discarded.  And with no apologies for his daughter from any member of Emmett’s family, Dominic James felt no sympathy toward the boy standing in front of him. I'm getting a little lost in this paragraph. We have Emmett's father. Emmett's sister. References to Morgan as Dominic James daughter. I think you are dancing around information when you need to say it outright. Morgan was thrown out of Emmett's house because specifically why? And Emmett is here now specifically why? And if Emmett's family did this - not him specifically - then shouldn't Morgan's father be a bit more understanding and adult about the whole thing?

Okay, so I obviously have lots of comments here. I think with first pages the two hardest things are finding the right place to start the story and then using the right blend of giving information to understand the character and backstory while still moving the plot forward. This seems like a great place to start your story - so you did a great job with that! However, that blend of what to tell and what to leave out is not balanced right now and I am left trying to figure out what is happening in a way that feels more frustrating than intriguing. 

PitchWars Critique - THREE GHOSTS FOR ANASTASIA

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Mentor,

Anastasia was ten when Marco  the grim reaper discovered her ability. Everyone knows who the grim reaper is. No one knows who Marco is. The sentence is way more powerful this way bc instead of wondering who Marco is we are wondering exactly what ability was discovered. 

Armed with the her rare power to see ghosts Anastasia Peters, now eighteen and lover of for books and Archaeology, uses her gift to guide the dead to Marco. He is the Grim Reaper, one of the many unlucky souls who are chosen to work for Death himself. And Death likes reading manga. Ha! Great last sentence. Very nice working in good details with also a bit of humor.

From Greece to Japan and to America, Anastasia gets to meet three ghosts, which decide to haunt her in order to get their final business settled. An ancient Greek soldier, a samurai and a Native American shaman fill Anastasia’s life with more trouble than the uni entrance exams, not counting in the occasional Peeping Tom. Again, I really like the humor here, but I want to know why Anastasia is going from Japan to Greece to America. Is she trying to evade the ghosts? To find them? 

But when an Angel Inspector I don't know what an angel inspector is, so a short explanation might be helpful. begins following Anastasia, throwing information about Marco’s past and her possible connection to him, Anastasia will use her power and the three ghosts in order to protect Marco. Even when he denies her feelings. Even if it will cost Anastasia’s life. Why will it cost her life? What specifically is at stake her? If she doesn't denounce Marco then the Angel Inspector will have her killed?

THREE GHOSTS FOR ANASTASIA is a YA Paranormal novel of 80.212 words that will appeal to readers of Jeri Smith-Ready’s SHADE series or Suzanne Young’s A NEED SO BEAUTIFUL series. I really like your title. Another good comp would be the CROAK series by Gina Damico.

I’m a university student on History and Archaeology and I have participated in on short story contests hosted by REUTS Publications. Two of my short stories will be published in the forthcoming anthology by the same Publishing House. I am also a blogger/reviewer since 2013 with wide reading range of almost all genres. I live in Greece and work on my novels featuring the genres of sci-fi, paranormal and fantasy. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Overall, I think this is a fairly strong query!

Prologue

The little girl entered the bedroom, following her parents. Her face was red as she tried to hold back tears at the sight of her deceased grandma lying in the bed. The old woman’s color was gone from her face but she appeared serene, as if she had just fallen asleep.

“Grandma…” she whispered with broken voice. The phrasing in the blue words is a bit awkward. Her mother brought a chair over and made her sit near her grandmother’s side. While patting the young girl’s head, the mother asked her to remain quiet and wait there.

She obeyed. “Ok mommy, I will wait here,” she replied, and blew her nose.

“That’s my girl. We will be right back,” the mother said. She then kissed her daughter on the cheek and left the room. Why would parents leave their small child in the same room with her dead grandmother?

After her parents departed, the room turned quiet, really quiet, as if sound no longer existed. At her grandmother’s bedside, the girl reflected on memories they spent together. She remembered her always smiling each time she and her parents visited.The best cookies came from her oven, the best stories from her mouth. In that thought, new tears started to flow and the girl wiped them away.

Suddenly, the temperature plummeted and the girl felt a chill down to her spine. Looking around, everything had darkened. Her eyes scanned the room and fixed on the still figure standing on the other side of the bed. An expressionless, tall man dressed in black, with dark hair and onyx eyes towered over her grandmother’s body, holding a silver scythe. He lifted his long-bladed tool, right before the girl’s wide eyes, and cut the old woman’s body in two.

“No!” the girl screamed. She then saw, on the spot he cut, a faint glow and a shining silver light appear, creating a small ball which floated above the dead woman’s body. Wouldn't the parents come running in at this point?

The man took the ball in his hands, touching it gently, and his clothes changed color, transforming from black to white.

“No! Don’t take her with you!” the girl shouted. She jumped from the chair and grabbed a handful of the man’s clothes.

The man looked at the child, astonished that someone was able to see him. His surprised face calmed and he smiled to the child, touching her hair with his left hand.

“You are an interesting one, do you know that?” I like this last line - it definitely makes me interested to know what happens between these two next.

Overall, I think this is an intriguing scene and is a good set-up for what's to come next in the story. Good luck with the writing!