PitchWars Critique - THE LAST OF THE BLESSED

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Mentor,

Seventeen-year old ARAVIS is Second Mate on her father's the Joiamare pirate ship, Safris. On board the ship Aravis is safe from SPECIFIC THREAT and doesn't need to hide her SPECIFIC hair color or her strange powers., where she has never had to hide her unique hair color, imperviousness to the firestone flame, or heightened senses. With her father as captain they sail the Torian Sea, helping those in need and living out of the repressive monarchy’s reach. When a stowaway named KAIRU is discovered on board, she fears he’ll learn the secret of her heritage What is the secret - specifically? and destroy her way of life destroy her life HOW exactly?. 

You really don't need to put character names in CAPS. Also, I think there is a bit too much going on with your first sentence. Just too many details about ship names and pirate name and second mate and hair color and firestone and heightened senses. Reading it I'm not sure what to focus on. This is why I made the changes above - to simplify. I also think you could cut the bit about sailing the Torian Sea and the repressive monarchy. 

Eighteen-year old Kairu is really the missing prince of Asven who ran away the night of his engagement announcement. When he’s found aboard the Safris, Aravis wants nothing to do with him, but Kairu can see beyond her sharp exterior and deep mistrust of strangers. He must win her trust if he wants to escape his old reality this is an odd word choice and remain on the Safris, while still hiding his true identity. Why does he have to keep his identity secret from Aravis? What would she do if she found out? But Kairu doesn’t realize that his brother is closing in on his newfound freedom. 

Meanwhile, curious things are happening throughout the Kingdom of Asven. Islanders have disappeared. An entire town has been abandoned. A mysterious light keeps appearing in the sky. The Joiamare pirates learn their sworn enemy is working with Kairu’s brother. Aravis must deduce I would use discover instead of deduce their plan and determine if Kairu is an ally; while Kairu must choose where his loyalties lie. They’ll have to accept the truth of who they are and trust each other, or let their enemies continue abducting unprotected islanders.  This is good. You mention the complications, what they must do, and what is at stake if they fail.

THE LAST OF THE BLESSED is an 80,000-word Young Adult Fantasy Adventure novel told from Kairu’s and Aravis’ perspectives and has series potential. Oooh. I like the title. 

I have a Bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Pepperdine University. Thank you for considering my query and offering your time to Pitch Wars. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Sincerely,

Lauren Wilhelm

Overall, this query is pretty strong.

Chapter One: The Party

“You know this is not a great idea, right?” Aravis said. 

So starting with dialogue is tricky. I think to make it work you need more than just "Aravis said" (although actually it should be "Aravis asked") as your dialogue tag. Just something that gives us more of a mental picture to place her because right now we know nothing - not even if Aravis is a boy or girl or whatever. Just something simple like: "Aravis asked as she paced the deck of the ship her long skirts swirling around her legs with every sharp pivot" would do the trick. 

       "That may be, but it still has to be done.” Okay, again, I need more here. Like who is talking. Give me more than just disembodied voices.

She shook her head. He again - he who? Even "Her father" would be better here was always doing things like this. Someone needed the Joiamare’s help, so in swoops Captain Finn to the rescue. Not that Aravis really minded the rescuing part. In fact, she rather enjoyed helping out the people of Asven who couldn’t help themselves. And given the supreme negligence of their royal majesties, the king and queen, the Joiamare were kept quite busy. But sneaking onto Tier Sha´Tal, the very island where the unscrupulous sovereigns lived, was not what Aravis would call reasonable.

“All right, Captain. Get caught by the Royal Guard and spend the rest of your days on land in a dreary dungeon instead of sailing the Torian Sea.” Aravis crossed her arms and leaned on the bulwark Much better dialogue tag. I like the dialogue here too, although I'd like to get a hint of actual feelings. Is she worried (and hiding it)?. “On second thought, do get caught,” she said. “Then I will be made captain and I can keep the crew of the Safris from your absurdities.” 

“The only things that are absurd are your words,” said Captain Finn. “Firstly, the Royal Guard would not catch me. I am too stealthy.” He puffed up his chest dramatically. “Secondly, Sylvanus would be with me. And if I did manage to get myself into trouble, he would cover my back – which you know he can do as he is quite broad.” An explanation of exactly who Sylvanus is would be nice here. Let the reader in on the joke about how broad he is.

Aravis managed half a smile at that. Finn smiled back, satisfied.

“Finally, and most importantly,” he said, “Basilias forbid I ever get captured by the Royal Guard, but if I did, you’d miss me.” He put his arm around her shoulders. “You would never leave me to rot away in a cell where not even the scent of the sea are could reach me.” Again you mention another character - Basilias - but it means nothing bc we have no idea who that is.

“You seem sure of that, but I wouldn’t don't test me. Better for you if you don’t get caught.” 

“You could still come with us, you know,” Finn said, retracting his arm.

Overall, I think this is good. If you can add in a few more details to bring the reader into the world a little more quickly, it would be even stronger.

PitchWars Critique - SHADOWS

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent,

SHADOW, is a “109,000” this is a bit on the high end for word count. -word young adult fantasy novel about a half-breed a half-breed what exactly? I don't even know if this is a boy, a girl, o anything whose father is killed and the girl who ended his life. Okay, so this is not a great start because this tells me stuff that happens to your MC instead of stuff that your MC is doing. A better set-up would be: ...about a half-human, half-tiger girl who after her father dies must learn to make her way in the world by herself.

All her life Shadow has been content to hide away in the woods with her father. It’s safe in the woods, much safer than the outside world. Shadow was born half-breed; half tiger Shifter like her father and half human like her long deceased mother it is dangerous just to be alive Why is it dangerous just to be alive? Because she is a half-breed? Who wants her dead?. One night she awakens to a mysterious presence in the forest, her father goes to investigate and never returns. Now, she must guard her territory alone and try to survive whatever killed her father or trust the neighboring wolf Alpha. I need a bit more here. A bit about what is at stake for Shadow. If she trusts the Alpha's will they kill her? What if she decides to run? What is at stake then? 

Lennox has grown up inside a seemingly happy wolf pack. All she wants is the freedom to make her own choices and finally have room to breathe I'd cut this sentence, it's not moving plot forward. When she discovers her Alpha is hiding a killer in the woods she bans together with her boyfriend to make things right and gain power There is a lot to unpack in this sentence. I'd simplify and clarify. It seems like the important thing is that she goes against her Alpha. Is that right? So maybe instead: Lennox wants to be the head of her pack and the opportunity to seize power arrives when she discovers her Alpha is hiding a killer in the woods. With the help of her boyfriend, Lennox murders the killer. . If only they had known the killer had a daughter… Now she must decide whether or not to eliminate the abomination Why would Lennox even consider letting her live? If she so easily killed Shadows's father? or allow the girl to live and overthrow the pack as planned This reads as if Lennox is going to allow Shadow to overthrow the pack as planned, which is not your intention, right?. 

Okay, this is a bit confusing. Is this book mostly about Lennox or Shadow? If it's mostly Shadow, I'd suggest leaving Lennox out of the query. Right now Lennox reads as the more active character who is making choices and pushing the plot forward, whereas Shadow who is your protagonist comes across as very passive. 

My novel is told from dual perspectives: a villainess and a half-breed orphan. Recently, I have noticed several agents mention they are searching for more diversity in novels; all of my characters except for one are people of color. 

SHADOW is a standalone with series potential. It will appeal to YA readers who enjoy the fantasy elements of The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater and the pack dynamics of Raised by Wolves by Jennifer Lynn Barnes. Great comps!

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Chapter One

Lennox

Lennox bit back a scream and swallowed the wolf inside; the shift threatening to overtake her as blood seeped from her body. She coughed over a whimper as she pulled jeans over the gaping wound in her thigh.  It's not very clear here what exactly is happening. Is she shifting back from being a wolf back into human form? Is she getting dressed? Or just trying to patch up a hole torn into her jeans? 

Damn tiger.

Blood soaked through the denim material as she struggled to button a flannel shirt sans bra. Again is she getting dressed because she was just a wolf? I think you need to be much more clear here about what is happening. Even the fact that she is a person who can shift into a wolf would not be clear if I hadn't just finished reading your query. She leaned hard against the tree trunk and clenched her teeth, the bark of the oak pressing into the bare skin of her lower back.

Don’t shift. 

The wolf within her was forced it’s way to the surface. She swallowed it down and regained control, a drop of sweat slid down her left cheek. 

Not here. Why not here? She's in the woods? Why can't she change?

“Alright, let’s get back before-” Grey watched her from several yards away, the last box of mothballs in his hand. “Lex?” 

“I’m fine. Let’s finish up and get out of here. The smell is vile.” The air was thick with ammonia, blood, mothballs and death. And the mothballs are for what? Again, I feel like you need to give a few more details and information here to fully draw the reader into the story. If she didn’t move and calmed her heartbeat maybe she could lessen the flow. 

“You’re bleeding.” Grey stated calmly. He dropped the empty box and knelt down to examine her leg. 

Lennox shook her head and weakly pushed him away. He didn’t budge under the shove of her hand. 

“It’s not that bad.” She insisted. The darkness of the forest around her played tricks on her mind, the stars above them spinning and flashing obscenely Nice. “We’re running out of time.”

The allotted time for the kill was nearly expired. They needed to finish clearing the area and head back before anyone noticed their absence. Or else what? What specifically is at stake here?

Grey ignored her, using a claw Is he in wolf form right now then? Or does he have claws when he's human? to slice open her pant leg and get a better look. She held back a groan and pressed her cheek into the rough bark of the oak tree. 

“This is why I insisted we bring the car.” Grey said sharply, his low voice a shout in the eerie silence of the night. 

“You can revel in the victory that is you being right over me later. Right now I want to get away from that stench!” She snapped at him and tried to stand up straight. She could hear her heart thundering in her ears. The scent of wolf surrounded her and she nearly lost herself in it, bones shuddering in anticipation of the Shift. 

How much blood am I losing? 

I like where you started this - there's a lot of really nice tension in this scene. And you get quite a bit of Lennox's voice and determination in here as well, which is great. However, I feel that if I hadn't first read the query I would be really lost as to what is happening here. I think if you can just weave in a bit more details and backstory this would be a really strong opening scene.

PitchWars Critique - THE PRINCESS PLOT

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Mentor,

Go to the ball. Seduce the prince, become a princess, and destroy the Royals. This is what Nora's spent the last five years training for. Nothing can stand in her way… except, perhaps, her own heart. Perfect! Truly this is an awesome way to start your query. The whole pitch is right here. Plus it's cute and snappy. 

Recruited to the Rebellion at thirteen from an abusive home, Nora is an orphan who wants nothing more than to avenge the death of her parents and bring an end to the monarchy that has ruled Washington with an iron fist for a hundred years. At eighteen, she is given a mission — seduce Prince Charles Ming at his birthday ball. And to be honest? It seems like the most difficult task will be not shuddering in disgust every time the prince leans in for a kiss. Again, this is great. You're giving me all the information I need. 

But as Charles begins to fall for Nora, she realizes that the feelings aren’t exactly one-sided. How could she love someone responsible for so many atrocities? Royals and Rebels, Nora learns quickly, don’t operate in black and white, and soon she doesn’t know who she can trust — all she knows is that her heart skips a beat every time that stupid stuttering prince walks through the door. Again, good. I'm intrigued by the "stupid stuttering prince" line and would maybe like to see a bit more about exactly what kind of prince Charles is. 

The first in a planned trilogy It's better to say "has series potential" rather than "planned trilogy" so that agents know the book can also stand alone., THE PRINCESS PLOT (78,000 words) is a YA speculative fiction novel set in the war-torn future of Washington, D.C. and based on the story of Cinderella. It will appeal to fans of Divergent and The Selection (with a touch of National Treasure, because every book needs more National Treasure). So Diverget and The Selection are both great comps in that they fit your book, but not so great in that both books are outliers, which is to say HUGE bestsellers. You don't want to pick books that have been made into movies for comps. Also both of these books are dystopians. I noticed you avoided that word in your query (smart!) but it's pretty clear your book IS a dystopian when use these comps.

When I’m not writing I’m an actor, Shakespeare enthusiast, and Segway tour guide living in Washington, D.C. I graduated from Cornell University in 2013 and, after a short stint at Walt Disney World, have been combining my love of the arts with my love of history ever since. Great bio!

Thank you in advance for your consideration! I’ve included my first chapter can’t wait to hear from you.

                                    

Part 1: Aboveground

Chapter 1

            The scream of the sirens was everywhere.

“Into the hold!” Jonesy, the cook, barked out the order without hesitation, pulling open a trap door in the middle of the kitchen floor. We had been cleaning up from dinner, all of the serving staff crowded into the kitchen when the sirens’ wailing had overpowered all of my other senses. Would a siren really overpower ALL her other senses? Natalie who is this? even just a quick "my best friend" or "Poor clumsy Natalie who'd started in the kitchens the same day as me" - this would give us a bit about Natalie and connect her to the MC. dropped a platter of vegetables onto the floor, the metal clattering as carrots rolled in every direction. But no one paid any attention. I could feel the panic rising up in my stomach, threatening to escape. I think you need to set the scene a bit better here before everything erupts into chaos. We're in a kitchen or restaurant? It isn't clear. The narrator is a waitress? Again, it isn't clear. What is she doing when the siren goes off? What's in her hands? Is she friends with the other girls there? Does anyone catch her eye or grab hold of her hand for comfort? The action is good. The carrots rolling in every direction is great. But I want to know your MC. I want to know what she is feeling SPECIFICALLY besides just panic.

The other girls rushed through the trap door, down a steep and rusted metal ladder that ended in darkness. I started my descent, hands shaking in spite of myself. I saw Bridget, gripping the edge of the sink and crying. She wasn’t moving.

            “Come on, Bridget!” I shouted. Is she doing this while on the ladder, blocking everyone else from getting down? I barely knew the girl — the serving staff had a tendency to rotate quickly due to Matron’s pickiness and excessively high standards — but I didn’t want her to die. Or whatever happened to people caught outside of shelters during a raid. No one really knew. We were all too scared to ask. Wait? They're all in a panic and running from nothing? They don't know if people left behind die? How is that possible? Does no one ever get left behind? What does it look like when they return?  Bridget finally snapped out of it, turning and climbing quickly after me. She pulled the door closed behind her as we descended the ladder into near darkness.

       

            I jumped the last foot off the ladder, landing on the hard packed dirt with a loud thump that echoed the frantic beats 

of my heart. The only light was from a few flickering flashlights that Natalie and Jonesy were holding. I'd like a better sense of exactly how many people are down here. The sirens weren’t 

as loud down here — having an entire house literally on top of you will do that — but I could still hear them. 

I like how you start in action with lots of tension. I think if  you could do a bit better job of introducing characters and also setting the scene, while also having that action. If you did that then this scene would be truly spectacular. 

Also watch your world building. On the first page to tell me people are scared but they don't know why - it doesn't draw me into the world. It's always better to be specific. If you said anyone who didn't obey the siren and get below ground was no more than a pile of ashes afterwards, then it's more powerful. She might not know what happens to turn the person to ashes, but she knows it's something bad.

PitchWars Critique - THE ESSENCE OF WATER

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent,

When Adie drowns in the ocean and doesn’t die, The definition of drown is to be held underwater until you die, so maybe rework this... unless she does die and then comes back to life. she discovers that water will obey her. She is a Misfit and it’s more than a taunting nickname. Shunned by society and hunted by agents called Handlers, who specialize in finding and exploiting Misfits, Adie is captured. Tortured and isolated, Adie is pushed to her limits as the Handlers attempt to control her and the power she possesses. What specifically are they trying to get Adie to do?

Aiden Oh wow. That name looks so similar to Adie. As a reader that would confuse me endlessly. Generally speaking it's a bad idea to make two main characters have names that look or sound this alike. is a Misfit who was tortured and manipulated as a young boy. Why was he tortured? What do they want him to do? After watching countless Misfits fall under the Handlers he is now nothing but a puppet. But as he observes Adie, who refuses to let go of her humanity, he learns to fight again. 

I moved this to make it its own paragraph. With Aiden’s help, Adie escapes and they run for their lives. But, Adie must decide if she can let go of her hate and continue to trust Aiden, the very Misfit who helped capture her. The Handlers are hunting them, a fight is coming and water might not be enough to save them. If they mean to survive, they both must rediscover what it means to be human. But, most of all, they must learn what it truly means to be a Misfit.

The Essence of Water is a 92,000 word YA fantasy novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

Chapter 1

 

Drowning isn’t as violent as it sounds. I don't know that drowning necessarily does sound violent. A gun shot seems violent. Drowning seems painful and scary. 

One minute I was there, the next I was gone. This is so vague. Where specifically was she? On a boat? On a pier? Swimming? On a bridge? Did she fall? Was she pushed?   There wasn’t time for me to yell or wave my arms. My body decided for me that breathing and remaining conscious was far more important. So I sunk silently beneath the waves and watched the water darken as traces of the surface disappeared. So your MC falls into the water and just sinks immediately? Without any struggle? Why would her body decide that not struggling is the best way to remain conscious and breathing? 

Four hours ago, when I was sitting on the stairs at my house, warm and comfortable talking on the phone, cliff diving sounded fun. Rag and Trish made it out like an adventure. Now I realize it may very well be my final adventure. This might be a better paragraph to start with.

 Normally, I’m a very good swimmer. It’s one of the few things about me that I’m particularly proud of. It comes natural, like breathing does to others, but when Rag shoved me off the cliff fully clothed, I hadn’t been ready. I hit the water wrong and the waves rolled in and shoved me straight into the rocks. And this would be better than the above paragraph about there not being time to yell or wave her arms. You're essentially repeating the same information but in a much clearer way.

 I’m running out of air. I hadn’t caught a good breath to begin with, actually I was luckily I wasn’t knocked unconscious when I hit my head. But, now mMy vision is turning red. and mMy lungs are burning. My body is shutting down. Logic keeps me from taking a breath, but in a few moments my instincts will kick in and force me to breathe in a last attempt to survive. I need to breathe. Except I know there’s no air for me here, only water. She seems a little too calm and analytical here. I marked above how you can try shorter sentences to punch up the panic and desperation.

 These are my thoughts as I sink further into the dark depths of the ocean. I don’t pray. I don’t struggle. I’m oddly disconnected from the panic that should be urging me to fight for my life. My vision splotches red and the pain becomes unbearable. I can’t hold it any longer. I open my mouth and the taste of saltwater and fish washes over my tongue.

 

Voices are in my head, a man and a woman. “We can’t quit what we’ve started,” the female the female reads oddly. I'd stick with woman. argues. “This is bigger than us.”

“This isn’t just about us anymore,” the male argues back. “How could we possibly keep them safe? We can hardly keep ourselves safe!”

“We knew the risks,” she says firmly. “I’m just as frightened as you are but we can’t stop. We’ve come too far. Besides, there’s always a chance that they aren’t not going to be like us, there’s always the chance they’ll have a normal life.” All of this dialogue feels really on the nose and unnatural. It also is distracting from what is happening in the now with your MC and her dying. I'd cut it.

The male snorts, “I think we both know better.” 

 

                Needles prickle up my spine and settle at the base of my skull. My fingers tingle and a tremor shakes my entire body. The world flashes light to dark like someone is flipping a light switch on and off. My heart jumps to life in my chest and I take a sharp breath but there’s only the grinding taste of salt and water against my tongue. Something pops like a gunshot inside my head and the pain seizes Seizes or did you mean ceases?.   

 I float, suspended under the water while it glows like melted metal around me. I’m not dead. I should be dead but I feel charged like I’ve stuck a finger an electrical outlet—my blood burns hot.

An image of the shore comes to my mind like I’m looking through a long lens. It’s distorted and rounded, but it’s there, showing me the way toward land. I watch the waves crash against the rocks and spray onto the beach. I can feel the grains of sand between my fingers as the waves roll and collapse back into the ocean.

 I swim toward shore. The water glows with an unnatural ethereal light while I make my way back and the ocean pushes me forward with strong currents until I’m tumbling inside a wave and thrown violently toward land. I fight to gain my footing as another wave crashes against my back. Cold air hits my face and I take a sharp breath and gag. I keel over and vomit salt water from my mouth and nose, it burns its way up my throat. I suck in another breath and choke. There’s a moment of panic as my body chooses between breathing air or water but accepts neither. Then my lungs bail and heave violently until there is nothing left but the bitter taste of salt on my tongue and air in my lungs. This last paragraph is great. I like all the sensory details! 

Overall, you have some good stuff here. I think if you cut those first two paragraphs this would be a lot stronger and read a bit more smoothly. Good luck with it!

PitchWars Critique - BLACK STARS FALLING

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent,

They had come down from above without warning. After three days of war, they left behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished once again into the skies. With few clues that they had even existed at all, they were at war with them for three years and yet aren't sure if they even exist? And They don't have a name? questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

I moved this to make this its own paragraph separate from the one above. Just breaks it up a bit. Now, ten years after the attack, eighteen-year-old Piper Sullivan works hard to help rebuild her town and country. But when Piper and her friends are taken early to serve their four-year service for the restructured government, things start to change quickly for them as more questions arise about the past. What things specifically change quickly? What questions specifically arise? Torn away from her family early, Why is she torn away early? she wonders when she will see her dad and brother again as fuel and vehicles are still limited supplies. I'd cut. This doesn't seem like a necessary detail here.

Once in training to do what? Is it army training? Are they prepping to fight the aliens again?, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group whose members are causing havoc as they rebel against the government they claim is holding back the rebuilding. This is feeling very dystopian to me, especially with the whole Resistance angle. Dystopian is a very hard sell right now and you need to have something fresh and original to stand out. What happened with the whole aliens thing? I find that a lot more interesting than the resistance, especially since I'm not even sure what exactly they're resisting! Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these pesky rebels, but as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake Bennett, he reveals secrets that will change her priorities. What secrets? What priorities? She learns that everything in her life since the attack has been a lie. Everything is a lie is such a cliche. Is there a better more specific way to say this? And that her father, a strong and respected leader in their community, is in the middle of the secrets, including why they were taken early. I understand not wanting to give the whole story away in the query, but again you need enough specifics so I have something to hold onto - a little bit of something that makes me go, "oooooh, now that's interesting." Right now everything is so general and vague that I can't find anything to really grab hold of.

Piper chooses to follow Jake, the man she’s fallen in love with and enter a dangerous new world, leaving behind the safety she could have had if she had only kept the lie. Again, this is mush. Piper chooses to go with Jake for reasons instead of staying because reasons, is how this reads. Also (and this is nitpicky) is Jake a man or a teen like her? 

BLACK STARS FALLING Love the title is the first book of this YA Sci-Fi trilogy Okay so this book only works as a trilogy? Or is it a book with series potential. The latter is better because it gives the agent and publisher more options., complete at 77,000 words.

Chapter One

"Piper!" I hear someone yelling into my dream as the scene before me starts to fade away. My body shakes, but I can't understand why.

“Piper, wake up. You’re having another nightmare.” I just googled "worst ways to start a novel" and in the second search result an article from Writers Digest called 5 Bad Story Openers came up. The top 2 ways (according to this article) to not start a story are: 1. A dream 2. Being shaken awake. So does this mean no one ever does this well or that it can never work? No, it doesn't. But it does mean that agents see this a lot. And it's probably gonna earn an eye roll and they're going to be less likely to continue reading. You can start your story in a gazillion different places. Which is awesome but also OMG the options. I get it. It makes sense to start your book with the MC starting the day. It just feels logical. But to agents (and many readers too) it feels too familiar, stale, and cliche. So I'd recommend playing around and seeing if you can find another spot to start your story. For me personally it usually takes a few tries to find the best place for my story to begin, so this is a problem everyone struggles with.  My mind slowly recognizes the familiar voice as I open my eyes. The view in front of me comes into focus, the nightmare of the school bus fully faded away. You seem to be mixing tenses with comes/faded

Luke's sixteen-year-old face This is awkward phrasing. I know you want to get this age detail in, but it doesn't have to be in the first mention of the character is smiling at me as it hovers over mine in the dull morning light. His pale blue eyes that match our dad’s are bright and animated, staring down at me. Cut. You already told us his face is hovering over hers. The scar still visible on his chin as a reminder of that day ten years ago, with his shaggy blond hair tossed around his face. This sentence is awkward. The second half with the shaggy blonde hair stuff seems to be referring to the day ten years ago, instead of that it's making the scar visible. I also think all of this physical character description in here is overkill. Choose one (maybe two) key and telling details. Otherwise it stops the story in its tracks, describing the brother and vaguely alluding to some incident ten years ago that we don't care about because we don't know what she's talking about. "You were yelling in your dreams again." Luke bounces on top of me in my bed, shaking me fully awake in the way only a brother knows how to do.

“Ugh! Get off!" I groan under his weight. "You're too heavy." I take the edge of my pillow and wipe the sweat and tears from my face, pushing away the constant reminder of the past. This is yet another reminder of something the reader doesn't understand. Even a hint of what happened would help to make this more interesting and draw the reader in. It's like if a friend says to you, "Guess what happened to me yesterday?" You're gonna like be like ??? and roll your eyes because who even cares. But if your friend says "Did you hear about that huge accident yesterday with twenty cars piled up? Well guess who was in the middle of it." Then you're gonna drop your iPhone and demand to find out exactly what happened.

He finally rolls off me and sits on the side of my bed, looking down at me with a goofy grin across his face that only he could have this time of the morning. Luke wakes up without an alarm and takes on the day with the full force of energy that has become my brother. I dream of being able to slip my warm covers back over my head and drown out the day until my mind wishes to sleep no longer. This paragraph is a much better character description than above. It tells us about Luke and the MC, and does a nice job of contrasting them.

"Happy birthday," Luke says cheerily as he starts bouncing on my bed once again, trying to shake me out of it. I can't suppress my smile though as I watch his eyes light up; my heart warms deeply to him, knowing how lucky I am to still have him. Even if he does like to wake me up this way every morning. He's sixteen and wakes his sister up every morning by bouncing on her bed? I like the relationship because it's nice to see siblings who aren't bickering, but this seems a bit immature.

So as I mentioned above I do think that you should start your story somewhere else, but what I've read here has potential. A main character with secrets haunting her and a sweet brother for a sidekick definitely has potential to be a fun read. Good luck with it!

Pitch Wars Critique - WHITE MAGIC

PitchWars is at its heart about the writing community. And even though at the end of the day Mindy McGinnis and I were only able to choose two mentees, we still wanted a way to give feedback to the many many many others who had been kind enough to share their work with us. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback.

I'm happy to say that quite a few people have been generous enough to take us up on this offer! So, through November, Mindy and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Make sure to look for them on both of our blogs as we'll be posting totally different critiques.

And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I am now offering manuscript critique services which you can find out more about here.

You'll see my comments in red.

Dear Agent,

I am a mother of four children, living in Prince Edward Island, Canada, This has nothing to do with your query but I am a huge Anne of Green Gables fan and have always wanted to go to Prince Edward Island *sigh* Sorry. Back to the query critiquing now. and I'm addicted to writing and reading, not to mention learning about writing. I love writing middle grade, picture books, and young adult. One day, soon, I will be venturing into the adult books. I intend to keep writing until - no, no until. I intend to keep writing. This is all very nice. You don't need it. Bio in a query letter is a really a "just the facts ma'am" sort of thing. I'd also suggest moving this to the bottom of your query, which is where bio's usually reside. Unless you've done something amazing like recently saved Stephen King and he promised to blurb anything you write, well then this is just not the most important part of your query.

I'd be thrilled if you would consider White Magic in caps WHITE MAGIC, my 47,000 word tween (younger YA/ older middle-grade) Yeah, so this is not a good space to be and you really want to decide whether this book is YA or MG. Where would it best fit at Barnes and Noble - with the YA or MG? novel. It was recently shortlisted in the Open Day Writing Competition with Kobo Writing Life/ Silverwoodbooks/Berforts. (still excited!) I actually think this would be better in the bio. Also congrats! That is exciting! :)

Fifteen year old Lily has a secret, and has kept it hidden for as long as she can remember.

What teenager wants to be shunned for daring to be different? And wanting to become a witch is as different as it gets. 

She is obsessed with witches. While other little girls dream of being princesses, that has never crossed Lily’s mind. Her only dream is becoming a witch. Okay, so you are contradicting yourself here. First Lily is hiding she's a witch and doesn't want to be different, but then her dream has always been to be a witch. Look, in the book this might work, but in the query, it's confusing and mushy. We need things to be as clear cut as possible here.

She has her own spell book, none of witch - oops, none of which I am a fan of puns  -the dorkier the better - so I think this is funny. Others might disagree. actually work, but it's her very own, and she's spent years building it up. She's tried to give up on her dream time after time, but it's impossible. It's part of who she is.

Lily's friends end up in the hospital, one after another, deathly sick.  While Lily’s dream comes true and she’s gifted with powerful magic, is it worth the price she may be forced to pay? So everything before this was just set-up and background info which could have been summed up as, "Lily always dreamed of being a witch." This paragraph here is the heart of the story - it's where the action and conflict lives, but you're short changing it. What friends are sick? Sick with what? How does Lily's dream come true - specifically what happens? A fairy godmother? A radioactive spider? And what - again specifically - is the price she must pay? This paragraph is your query, the rest is just clearing your throat.

White Magic fights Dark Magic. This tells me nothing. You never even mentioned dark magic! 

I think a log line might help you focus this query. A logline is also a great way to start a query because right up front it gives up a quick snapshot of the story and what it's about. This formula is your best bet for beginning to craft one: 

[TITLE] is a [GENRE] about a [DESCRIPTION OF FLAWED HERO] who after [LIFE CHANGING EVENT] wants to/must/struggles to/ [GOAL] by [PLAN OF ACTION] before [SPECIFIC BAD THINGS HAPPEN]. 

And for bonus points you can add onto it: This becomes increasingly difficult because [OBSTACLES AND COMPLICATIONS].

Thank you for your time! I hope to hear from you. 

WHITE   MAGIC

Chapter 1

I am a witch

With powers so neat.

Hold on to your hat!

For I won’t be beat.

With potions and spells

To recite with pride,

And finish my homework.

Good--- 

Okay, just from the beginning poem this is definitely reading MG to me.

Stupid, stupid words. If I can just get this spell to rhyme, Lily thought, tapping the pen on the notebook, no more homework. And no more stupid detentions from Ms. Crankypants. Again Ms. Crankypants definitely sounds middle grade.

“Lily, get out here for dinner. Right now! Don’t make me call you a third time...”

Lily rolled her eyes.

If only she had a power. Any power. She’d wrinkle her nose and be wherever she wanted to be. She’d wave her hand and she’d be rich. She’d cast a spell and be drop dead gorgeous.

But nope. Nothing. No power in sight. She was not a witch.

Just a plain old human.

"Lily, I’m warning you.”

“I’m coming!” she hollered back to her mother, dropping the pen on the scribbler and dashing to the dining room before her mother could get seriously upset. Ain’t no spell strong enough to calm that woman down when she gets riled. Funny. Nice voice. 

Dinner--a chicken and stir fry rice with way too much broccoli and not enough carrots, in Lily’s opinion--was already on the table.

Paige, her nine-year-old sister, was scarfing hers down.

“What’s for dessert?” Lily asked, guessing why Paige’s food was disappearing without a grumble. I like the little bit of voice here, but I wonder if you can find a stronger place to start your story where a bit more is at stake other than getting in trouble for being late to dinner and what's for dessert. 

Overall, though, I think this could be a really cute - definitely MIDDLE GRADE - story. Best of luck with it!