tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54264032011918043412023-11-16T11:18:11.703-05:00the lovers, the dreamers and mea writer's journeyKate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comBlogger275125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-54708842071501075902023-02-22T17:31:00.001-05:002023-02-22T17:31:19.371-05:00Kickstarter Fully Funded! Woot!<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" role="presentation" style="background-color: white; border-collapse: collapse; color: black; text-size-adjust: 100%; width: 100%px;"><tbody><tr><td class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 24px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><div class="mceText" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: center; width: 612px;"><h1 style="font-size: 31px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">We Did It!</h1><p class="last-child" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">Our Kickstarter reached its funding goal of $1000!</p></div></td></tr><tr><td align="center" class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><a href="http://kck.st/3YRVwgR" style="display: block; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="imageDropZone" role="presentation" src="https://dim.mcusercontent.com/cs/36a4e451edd28c857c95457e9/images/efcea56d-5a25-a116-e355-a4ca3c280c1a.jpg?w=564&dpr=2" style="border: 0px; display: block; height: auto; max-width: 100%; outline: none; text-decoration-line: none; width: 564px;" width="564" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 24px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><div class="mceText" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; width: 612px;"><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">But that doesn’t mean we’re done. It just means that from here on out, our backers can rest easy knowing that you will absolutely 100% receive the item they pledged for.</p><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">Not only that - but having reached our funding goal - we can now focus on the really fun part of Kickstarter - the STRETCH REWARDS!</p><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><p class="last-child" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">We so badly want our backers to receive ALL the stretch rewards (especially the 8k one - which would mean us writing a whole new story starring Nico and Paige) that we unlocked the first reward early. This means that all hardcovers will have a dust jacket with the new cover AND a secret undercover printing with the wild and colorful design below.</p><p class="last-child" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" role="presentation" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: black; font-family: Times; text-size-adjust: 100%; width: 100%px;"><tbody><tr><td align="center" class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><img alt="" class="imageDropZone" role="presentation" src="https://dim.mcusercontent.com/cs/36a4e451edd28c857c95457e9/images/46f0df18-2690-6855-d5aa-92dc70fbc91c.jpeg?w=564&dpr=2" style="border: 0px; display: block; height: auto; max-width: 100%; outline: none; width: 564px;" width="564" /></td></tr><tr><td class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 24px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><div class="mceText" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; width: 612px;"><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">We also adjusted all our other rewards so we can reach them faster!</p><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">Our next reward - the custom coloring pages - unlocks at 2k!</p><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><p class="last-child" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">But I really want to highlight our $3k stretch reward, because I know those of your who have read the Down & Dirty series will really appreciate it. At the $3k level the hardcover books (and new digital files for those who pledge for the ebooks) will include these amazing interior illustrations!</p></div></td></tr><tr><td align="center" class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><img alt="" class="imageDropZone" role="presentation" src="https://dim.mcusercontent.com/cs/36a4e451edd28c857c95457e9/images/4a0cd133-9d08-de44-dd94-35ec4f647708.jpeg?w=564&dpr=2" style="border: 0px; display: block; height: auto; max-width: 100%; outline: none; width: 564px;" width="563.9999999999999" /></td></tr><tr><td align="center" class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><img alt="" class="imageDropZone" role="presentation" src="https://dim.mcusercontent.com/cs/36a4e451edd28c857c95457e9/images/be59de4d-934d-7170-64dc-df360fb641b7.jpeg?w=564&dpr=2" style="border: 0px; display: block; height: auto; max-width: 100%; outline: none; width: 564px;" width="564" /></td></tr><tr><td class="mceSpacing-24" style="padding: 12px 24px; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;" valign="top"><div class="mceText" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; width: 612px;"><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">We are so close to unlocking these stretch goals - but we can only do it with everyone’s help.</p><p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;"><br /></p><p class="last-child" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-size-adjust: 100%; word-break: break-word;">If you haven’t yet - please check out the Kickstarter and consider pledging. We would so very much appreciate it!</p></div></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /><p></p></div></td></tr></tbody></table><script type="text/javascript">
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</script>Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-47032962859995334742020-09-15T23:13:00.016-04:002020-09-16T00:04:30.247-04:00First Ten Pages Critique, Developmental Edits, and Self Pub Coaching<h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For several years now I've been offering manuscript critiques and developmental edits. </span></h2><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I love the process of helping authors refine their manuscripts so they can be ready to either query or publish. I also try to make my services as affordable as possible because I know what it's like to want extra help or a professional eye, but to feel totally priced out of those services. That's why my price for a first ten pages critique is $30. A full manuscript critique is .01/word. I also throw in a free query critique with any paid service. </span></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In addition to these services, I've recently added coaching specifically for authors choosing to go the self publishing or indie route. </span></h3><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Over the past two years I've been working in the indie publishing world and in that time have put out almost ten books. Learning the entire process from figuring out how to post books to various online distributors to formatting to pricing to making covers to marketing is a job in and of itself. Not everyone has the time or patience to do that kind of Google deep dive - and sometimes (often) there is conflicting advice. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">My role would be to act as a guide, helper, partner, source of knowledge, and one stop shop to get your book published. We'll discuss your goals and the best way to achieve them. We'll talk about what you envision for a cover along with what kind of cover is most likely to resonate with your intended audience. I can even help with the cover creation, I have experience making covers for my own books! Formatting is another area where I'm happy to lend a hand. I use Vellum for my own books and could easily take care of your simple formatting needs. Finally, I run Facebook and Amazon ads - plus make my own sales graphics - so I can lend a hand there as well. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Writing and publishing can be a lonely business, but it doesn't have to be. Whether I'm helping with developmental edits on your memoir, helping you with a gameplan on how to launch your science fiction series, or something else in between - my goal is to always be in your corner, actively working with you to ensure your success.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For more information on my services check out my <a href="https://katekaryusquinn.squarespace.com/config/pages/5abc07be2b6a28c8f42926f3" target="_blank">www.katekaryusquinn.com</a> or <a href="https://www.katekaryusquinn.com/contact" target="_blank">contact me directly</a>!</span></h4><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSvSDyI11jh8cCqijLCzXQ5YPL7_qNPISHDgVNP6WYm1-JiOGAzAUbqskwJ9-e3GxFuntOe-jui-0FLHd5Qiya79OTRERFAcz3U9zxA9ePLgmRbribfPrLUBw1Hnm_nRDWywQ28LFJ70c/s2048/dream+team+front+new+logo.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img alt="Dream Team Mythverse Book 7" border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1280" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSvSDyI11jh8cCqijLCzXQ5YPL7_qNPISHDgVNP6WYm1-JiOGAzAUbqskwJ9-e3GxFuntOe-jui-0FLHd5Qiya79OTRERFAcz3U9zxA9ePLgmRbribfPrLUBw1Hnm_nRDWywQ28LFJ70c/w125-h200/dream+team+front+new+logo.jpg" title="sample cover from self publishing coach Kate Karyus Quinn" width="125" /></a> <img alt="Squad Goals" border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1280" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWSbCpzxK25Ik7lMftQLeJELcbfqo2WyXBCLDO1vRr4gSDMR5e5IIZFRC190kHEOBfVywSePnKQEfhRtQyTSkB35GVH4alFLmpJtJwkh6kUcNmHS5BHhkZg8T7emEN2EhrSZN4AA6wLM4/w125-h200/squad+goals+new+logo+front.jpg" title="sample cover created by indie coach Kate Karyus Quinn" width="125" /> <img alt="Grave New World cover" border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1280" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Ggn49nmt1d7QN_Som5fXgM6tuZPZ0j9iIsD7zDtAATwzcfxDDeAzhmpRi5HhZo8Rg5Z5XzmQCDjPNhXjUmG4UR_zzSWW0WTad1uQt8YuIcQ7jU7jzQxBCv9DCYHzZ81Fn7yotJn1Scw/w125-h200/down+and+dirty+front+new.jpg" title="Sample cover created by Kate Karyus Quinn" width="125" /></h2><div> </div><div><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-33772886912675952572019-09-30T22:00:00.000-04:002019-09-30T22:00:01.413-04:00YASH YASH YASH YASH YASH YASH YASH YASH YASH<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8tRWNCq-fsQcfLd-AxwEefx9o9KSm-ySRljZaZoS1Dv0NJI7sjzFRZzSKc5mMqYALsdTdkHiFxNG03nSf3fYHKZCzbzV3CgOJas2CoOj9osvqW4mEY-awo3yYkOpkoGqqBRW6IZcSbTI/s1600/scavengerhunt450.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="409" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8tRWNCq-fsQcfLd-AxwEefx9o9KSm-ySRljZaZoS1Dv0NJI7sjzFRZzSKc5mMqYALsdTdkHiFxNG03nSf3fYHKZCzbzV3CgOJas2CoOj9osvqW4mEY-awo3yYkOpkoGqqBRW6IZcSbTI/s400/scavengerhunt450.gif" width="326" /></a></div>
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Welcome to my blog, YA hunters! I'm Kate Karyus Quinn. </div>
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I'm the young adult author of several books, most recently the MOUNT OLYMPUS ACADEMY trilogy which is co-written with Demitria Lunetta and Marley Lynn. Click below to find out more!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.katekaryusquinn.com/mount-olympus-academy" target="_blank">VAMPIRE ACADEMY meets PERCY JACKSON! CLICK TO FIND OUT MORE!</a></td></tr>
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Also, a few weeks ago I was super excited to release an anthology, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07TB1RSHZ/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i4" target="_blank">BETTY BITES BACK: STORIES TO SCARE THE PATRIARCHY</a> that I helped edit along with Mindy McGinnis and Demitria Lunetta. We also all have our own stories included in the anthology. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWUt8NzZkdqWOz0Riczvsf5QmA3j8OSBK7kmMmiK9GZ4RgtKg0o1rNqY2MmGsYQfObtDVKkfq1QhvZAuaXEJdlgmvaPPrSEKncWcOFlxvnHL51LpVQSYH8g0q7kZx9rBU4CXDhE_-MOBQ/s1600/bbb+bookmark+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="1600" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWUt8NzZkdqWOz0Riczvsf5QmA3j8OSBK7kmMmiK9GZ4RgtKg0o1rNqY2MmGsYQfObtDVKkfq1QhvZAuaXEJdlgmvaPPrSEKncWcOFlxvnHL51LpVQSYH8g0q7kZx9rBU4CXDhE_-MOBQ/s400/bbb+bookmark+back.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOxOjQM3kfaCvQWa_7hI1YU8t7tfoyKUD_aqJhCx1kTJmB6KMhCaYl41skbZXzrxAh8L8Sf2xZNDcrTjDYRxJAr2Hx6eW8uBYzan-qEUJlhbc8J9_KUJmdnR0a_kD8mTDJuhTNlqixl8/s1600/bbb+bookmark+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="1600" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOxOjQM3kfaCvQWa_7hI1YU8t7tfoyKUD_aqJhCx1kTJmB6KMhCaYl41skbZXzrxAh8L8Sf2xZNDcrTjDYRxJAr2Hx6eW8uBYzan-qEUJlhbc8J9_KUJmdnR0a_kD8mTDJuhTNlqixl8/s400/bbb+bookmark+front.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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But you're here for the hunt, so let's get to it.</div>
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I'm on....<br />
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I am also hosting a wonderful author here on my blog today, but before we can get to her exclusive content, we need to review the rules first.</div>
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<b>SCAVENGER HUNT PUZZLE</b></div>
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<b>Directions:</b> Below, you'll notice that I've listed my favorite number. Collect the favorite numbers of all the authors on the <span style="color: red;">RED </span>team, and then add them up (don't worry, you can use a calculator!). </div>
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<b>Entry Form:</b> Once you've added up all the numbers, <a href="http://yascavengerhunt.blogspot.com/p/enter-here.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;">make sure you fill out the form here to officially qualify for the grand prize</a>. Only entries that have the correct number will qualify.</div>
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<b>Rules:</b> Open internationally, anyone below the age of 18 should have a parent or guardian's permission to enter. To be eligible for the grand prize, you must submit the completed entry form by <b>Oct 6th</b>, at noon Pacific Time. Entries sent without the correct number or without contact information will not be considered.</div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.48px;">At this hunt, you not only get access to exclusive content from each author, you also get a clue for the hunt. Add up the clues, and you can enter for our prize--one lucky winner will receive </span><b style="line-height: 18.48px;">one signed book from each author on the hunt in my team</b><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">!</span><b style="line-height: 18.48px;"> </b><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">But play fast: this contest (and all the exclusive bonus material) will only be online for 72 hours!</span></div>
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<b style="line-height: 18.48px;">Go to the <a href="http://yascavengerhunt.blogspot.com/" style="text-decoration-line: none;">YA Scavenger Hunt</a> page to find out all about the hunt. </b><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">There are several contests going on simultaneously, and you can enter one or all! I am a part of the <span style="color: red;">RED</span></span><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: red;"> TEAM</span></span><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">--but there is a whole rainbows worth of other teams, so make sure to check them all out for a chance to win a whole different set of signed books!</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18.48px;">If you'd like to find out more about the hunt, see links to all the authors participating, and see the full list of prizes up for grabs, go to</span><a href="http://yascavengerhunt.blogspot.com/p/prizes.html" style="line-height: 18.48px; text-decoration-line: none;"> the YA Scavenger Hunt page</a><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Okay, now that we've taken care of that, let me introduce you to the lovely Courtney Alameda!</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivi9NO0Yg3Itn6JbPI8Pva3YxsH3prg_Nc0L4OyaXAUx5D9hmVwkDdtby6PvGOkK1sBvRwmB5zJ3D_znmAXVbOfYRJcCUmcm8jFPnhQeBu_wa5LrqpqIyfS0EzxwPijNyEsOjQDgS6aMQ/s1600/courtney+alameda.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivi9NO0Yg3Itn6JbPI8Pva3YxsH3prg_Nc0L4OyaXAUx5D9hmVwkDdtby6PvGOkK1sBvRwmB5zJ3D_znmAXVbOfYRJcCUmcm8jFPnhQeBu_wa5LrqpqIyfS0EzxwPijNyEsOjQDgS6aMQ/s320/courtney+alameda.jpeg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"A veteran bookseller and librarian, Courtney Alameda now spends her days writing speculative fiction novels, short stories, and comics. Her debut novel, SHUTTER, was nominated for a Bram Stoker Award and hailed as a \"standout in the genre\" by School Library Journal. Since then, she’s wandered the universe with far-future archeologists (PITCH DARK), racked up some retribution (SISTERS OF SORROW), and recruited death gods with a Shinto priestess (SEVEN DEADLY SHADOWS, forthcoming) . . . and those are just the adventures she can currently tell you about."}" style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;">A veteran bookseller and librarian, Courtney Alameda now spends her days writing speculative fiction novels, short stories, and comics. Her debut novel, SHUTTER, was nominated for a Bram Stoker Award and hailed as a "standout in the genre" by School Library Journal. Since then, she’s wandered the universe with far-future archeologists (PITCH DARK), racked up some retribution (SISTERS OF SORROW), and recruited death gods with a Shinto priestess (SEVEN DEADLY SHADOWS, forthcoming) . . . and those are just the adventures she can currently tell you about.</span><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">
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<span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"A veteran bookseller and librarian, Courtney Alameda now spends her days writing speculative fiction novels, short stories, and comics. Her debut novel, SHUTTER, was nominated for a Bram Stoker Award and hailed as a \"standout in the genre\" by School Library Journal. Since then, she’s wandered the universe with far-future archeologists (PITCH DARK), racked up some retribution (SISTERS OF SORROW), and recruited death gods with a Shinto priestess (SEVEN DEADLY SHADOWS, forthcoming) . . . and those are just the adventures she can currently tell you about."}" style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;">Seventeen-year-old Kira Fujikawa has never had it easy. She’s bullied by the popular girls in school. Her family ignores her. And she’s also plagued with a secret: She can see yokai, the ghosts and demons that haunt the streets of Japan. But things accelerate from bad to worse when she learns that Shuten-doji, the demon king, will rise at the next blood moon to hunt down an ancient relic and bring the world to a catastrophic end.</span>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13px;">Find out more information by checking out the <a href="https://www.courtneyalameda.com/" target="_blank">Courtney's website</a> or find more about the author's book here! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Deadly-Shadows-Courtney-Alameda/dp/0062570811" target="_blank">Click here to pre-order SEVEN DEADLY SHADOWS!</a></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"Seventeen-year-old Kira Fujikawa has never had it easy. She’s bullied by the popular girls in school. Her family ignores her. And she’s also plagued with a secret: She can see yokai, the ghosts and demons that haunt the streets of Japan. But things accelerate from bad to worse when she learns that Shuten-doji, the demon king, will rise at the next blood moon to hunt down an ancient relic and bring the world to a catastrophic end."}" style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"Seventeen-year-old Kira Fujikawa has never had it easy. She’s bullied by the popular girls in school. Her family ignores her. And she’s also plagued with a secret: She can see yokai, the ghosts and demons that haunt the streets of Japan. But things accelerate from bad to worse when she learns that Shuten-doji, the demon king, will rise at the next blood moon to hunt down an ancient relic and bring the world to a catastrophic end."}" style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;">
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<span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"Seventeen-year-old Kira Fujikawa has never had it easy. She’s bullied by the popular girls in school. Her family ignores her. And she’s also plagued with a secret: She can see yokai, the ghosts and demons that haunt the streets of Japan. But things accelerate from bad to worse when she learns that Shuten-doji, the demon king, will rise at the next blood moon to hunt down an ancient relic and bring the world to a catastrophic end."}" style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;">You can also find Courtney on Instagram and Twitter!</span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"Seventeen-year-old Kira Fujikawa has never had it easy. She’s bullied by the popular girls in school. Her family ignores her. And she’s also plagued with a secret: She can see yokai, the ghosts and demons that haunt the streets of Japan. But things accelerate from bad to worse when she learns that Shuten-doji, the demon king, will rise at the next blood moon to hunt down an ancient relic and bring the world to a catastrophic end."}" style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;"><style type="text/css"><!--td {border: 1px solid #ccc;}br {mso-data-placement:same-cell;}</style></span></span></span>
--><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"Instagram: @courtneyalamedabooks"}" style="font-size: 10pt;">Instagram: @courtneyalamedabooks</span><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"Seventeen-year-old Kira Fujikawa has never had it easy. She’s bullied by the popular girls in school. Her family ignores her. And she’s also plagued with a secret: She can see yokai, the ghosts and demons that haunt the streets of Japan. But things accelerate from bad to worse when she learns that Shuten-doji, the demon king, will rise at the next blood moon to hunt down an ancient relic and bring the world to a catastrophic end."}" style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt;"><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"Instagram: @courtneyalamedabooks"}" style="font-size: 10pt;"><style type="text/css"><!--td {border: 1px solid #ccc;}br {mso-data-placement:same-cell;}</style></span></span></span></span>
--><span data-sheets-userformat="{"2":515,"3":{"1":0},"4":[null,2,16711680],"12":0}" data-sheets-value="{"1":2,"2":"@courtalameda"}" style="font-size: 10pt;">Twitter: @courtalameda</span><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">
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<span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>EXCLUSIVE CONTENT</b></span></span><br />
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<i>Hey there, Courtney Alameda here, co-author of SEVEN DEADLY SHADOWS!
I’m delighted to introduce you to Kira Fujikawa, a third-year high school
student, Shinto priestess, and our plucky heroine. Kira’s not like the other
girls her age: she can see and interact with the </i>yokai<i>, the monsters and ghosts of ancient Japan. And as you’re about to see
from this sneak peek, the yokai rarely leave her alone . . . <o:p></o:p></i><br />
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With a nod to Shiro, I turn to the
afternoon’s work: sweeping. <i>Endless</i>
sweeping. The Fujikawa Shrine is one of the larger shrines in Kyoto: it boasts
two courtyards, an assembly hall, a teahouse, gardens, and dormitories for the
priests, and that’s to say nothing of the magnificent main shrine itself. And
while Grandfather employs groundskeeping staff to keep the shrine immaculate,
he still expects me to sweep the leaves. I suppose he thinks it builds
character.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It doesn’t. It builds calluses, lots and <i>lots</i> of calluses. Which I suppose gives my palms more character,
now that they have little white seeds planted at the root of each finger.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The hours of sweeping and the calluses are all worthwhile.
Someday, Grandfather will teach me the ancient art of onmyōdō, which will give
me power over the yokai demons and onryō ghosts who threaten our way of life.
For a girl who has spent her days in the unwanted company of nightmares and
monsters, my greatest wish is to be able to banish them at will. Despite my
near-constant pleas, Grandfather says I will begin my training at twenty-one,
when I become old enough to formally inherit the shrine. For now, he focuses on
my martial arts training and lets me observe rituals, business transactions,
greet patrons, and, of course, <i>sweep</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As the sun drops toward the horizon, a chill creeps into the air.
Patrons wave to me as they exit the shrine, on their way to warm homes and hot
meals. Some will return to work, no doubt. The shadows lengthen and the place
empties of everyone, except for the priests, my sister, and me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m tidying the gatehouse when I spot something small sitting
under the first torii gate.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Curious, I descend the grand staircase, taking the steps two by
two. A small origami fox sits at the bottom of the staircase, alone. When I
pick the fox up, a child starts singing a folk song in the distance, her voice
carried by the wind:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i>Kagome Kagome . . . circle
you, circle you . . .”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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My bracelet grows warm. I glance over my shoulder, expecting to
see Ami giggling behind one of the gateposts. She graduated from children’s
kancho-style mischief at five. Now six, she’s seen enough variety shows on TV
to have learned a more sophisticated style of pranking.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Ami?” I ask. No answer. Tree branches click in the breeze. The
air tugs the loose hairs at the nape of my neck, and the small of my back
prickles. My body senses something’s off, but my mind can’t figure out what.
“Hello?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The stone steps lie empty, but I feel as though a thousand eyes
have turned on me, their gazes brushing up against my skin, my hair, and my
chest. Fear uncurls against the base of my spine, something eyeless and primal.
I back away from the steps and whirl, running up the steps, through the
gatehouse, and toward the shrine.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The origami fox pricks the inside of my palm as I reach the top.
I double over, panting. When I look over my shoulder, nothing waits in the gate
below. I tell myself there isn’t anything odd about finding a piece of origami
at a Shinto shrine. It’s an offering, not a warning. At worst, it’s a child’s
prank.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i>It’s fine.</i> Everything
is fine. I tuck the origami fox into my pocket. The sun slides ever farther
down the sky, glittering through the tree branches.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Twenty minutes later, I finish sweeping the main courtyard. As I
head back to the office to change, a little flash of white catches my eye. I
pause and gasp: a second origami fox sits on a large, flat stepping-stone near
the big pond’s edge. Had I missed this second fox earlier? No, I’d have noticed
something so obviously out of place.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The breeze clangs through the wooden ema boards on nearby racks.
I jump, my pulse ringing like Grandfather’s old landline phone, and then roll
my eyes at myself. I pluck the fox off the stone to carry him back to the
office. It is, after all, just a bit of folded paper I can cage inside my
fingers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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In the distance, cars rumble and honk, and the trees filter
people’s shouts and laughter down to a comforting hum. Beneath it all, the
child’s song continues: <i>“Kago no naka no
tori wa . . . the bird in the cage . . .”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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Closer now.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Ami?” I halt and turn in the courtyard. “If this is another
prank, I’ll make you walk <i>yourself</i>
home tonight! In the <i>dark</i>!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Giggles echo through the shrine. With a <i>tsk</i>, I slip my hand into my pocket, expecting to feel the paper’s
sharp points prick my fingers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But my pocket is empty.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The first fox is gone.<o:p></o:p><br />
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SEVEN DEADLY SHADOWS arrives January 28,
2020 from HarperTeen!<o:p></o:p><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;">And don't forget to enter the contest for a chance to win a ton of signed books by me, Courtney Alameda, and more! To enter, you need to know that my favorite number is </span><span style="color: #e06666; font-size: large;">88</span><span style="font-size: medium;">. Add up all the favorite numbers of the authors on the red team and you'll have all the secret code to enter for the grand prize!</span></span>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">CONTINUE THE HUNT</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">To keep going on your quest for the hunt, you need to check out the next author! To continue the hunt go next to <a href="http://www.julieeshbaugh.com/blog" target="_blank">Julie Eshbaugh's blog. </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">BUT WAIT!!</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"> We're not quite done here just yet! I'm giving away ebook copies of TWO young adult anthologies, the first TWO books in the Mount Olympus Academy trilogy, and one romantic comedy, perfect for fans of chick lit. </span>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-47331678102333066242019-04-15T23:41:00.000-04:002019-04-15T23:41:21.416-04:00Giveaway to celebrate launch of THE SHOW MUST GO ON<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu4SmCeRi3RNdWGLgCj3dCelmbLk5q7CCwxbowV80rTYBHCgQZAelP8_O7UcdMCvNVpBT2zwHJBqplQkqaoZ8-Yls8OIE223qrEJio2uYCWm78EQbgVxhTaY91NOPQ-8wLKiZ9NoE7LOE/s1600/show+must+go+on+PNG.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1132" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu4SmCeRi3RNdWGLgCj3dCelmbLk5q7CCwxbowV80rTYBHCgQZAelP8_O7UcdMCvNVpBT2zwHJBqplQkqaoZ8-Yls8OIE223qrEJio2uYCWm78EQbgVxhTaY91NOPQ-8wLKiZ9NoE7LOE/s320/show+must+go+on+PNG.png" width="226" /></a></div>
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I'm running a special giveaway to celebrate the launch of The Show Must Go On and it's special limited time sales price of only <a href="http://amzn.to/2UtJQ6h">$2.99 (it's also available for free through Kindle Unlimited)</a>.</div>
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One lucky person will win a $20 Amazon gift card, a signed paperback copy of The Show Must Go On, and a bookmark boyfriend.</div>
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25 newsletter subscribers will also win a bookmark boyfriend.</div>
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If you're wondering what exactly a bookmark boyfriend is - keep scrolling.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTV5UQL4swtR9lx4EQ89khN_WBEKoqxtRCDQeX7AEBNtv5GRvUoTU5iujkj0YRfTcD5uAjf5OUpLRzdN1uimX5hqs6kxz3Pk4buqMkOCUyo-aIMozJUUDQ5DOqjk0icdZiXfTKba4kf8w/s1600/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="632" data-original-width="640" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTV5UQL4swtR9lx4EQ89khN_WBEKoqxtRCDQeX7AEBNtv5GRvUoTU5iujkj0YRfTcD5uAjf5OUpLRzdN1uimX5hqs6kxz3Pk4buqMkOCUyo-aIMozJUUDQ5DOqjk0icdZiXfTKba4kf8w/s320/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+2.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8SnW1nEnWWXcnZ55GYJTvUoCASdS1ovCGUFU8agkqJi7bmdMaJ2jswknfS0RZ2AM49zFsljd6om8qyrdnZhtIAGxvIV5HNodbo56i7er_hJlHvarck9YnXF-qBGrx1loUkXavV4CJQiM/s1600/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8SnW1nEnWWXcnZ55GYJTvUoCASdS1ovCGUFU8agkqJi7bmdMaJ2jswknfS0RZ2AM49zFsljd6om8qyrdnZhtIAGxvIV5HNodbo56i7er_hJlHvarck9YnXF-qBGrx1loUkXavV4CJQiM/s320/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+3.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Hi. We're your bookmark boyfriends.<br />
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Do you like long walks on the beach?<br />
Er, I hope not. This bookmark boyfriend likes to stay away from large bodies of water. Bathtubs are also not my favorite place to be - just a heads up on that one.<br />
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How about romantic candlelit dinners?</div>
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...Again, for me, that wouldn't be my first choice. I'm made of paper, so fire is a little dicey. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUQwjfD06mCKBPmWRLt37uQApdaRkZpaCwuxJUqMQvt_2Ya-1M2MjFVgMoKAofykvM76iDMT32a8RMI6xbIgVsaR8FLRJBzTCREtIYU2y8o-tk0usgJ_k_XekoQT38lNnw4QUa2ulJt8k/s1600/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUQwjfD06mCKBPmWRLt37uQApdaRkZpaCwuxJUqMQvt_2Ya-1M2MjFVgMoKAofykvM76iDMT32a8RMI6xbIgVsaR8FLRJBzTCREtIYU2y8o-tk0usgJ_k_XekoQT38lNnw4QUa2ulJt8k/s320/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+4.jpg" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaQ0V9lTRQayyrCpuNLth_3cBPytdkEoftYOvA60ZIaYJI0M5TGB8eXqt6PEK2yFFupOsZlSnb7oBwd3nbQDaVmsHIFLe941vGb8ZgFUaoubkJQF-xm2WJA5lWRlei_PV9HFIpPUNMLPg/s1600/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaQ0V9lTRQayyrCpuNLth_3cBPytdkEoftYOvA60ZIaYJI0M5TGB8eXqt6PEK2yFFupOsZlSnb7oBwd3nbQDaVmsHIFLe941vGb8ZgFUaoubkJQF-xm2WJA5lWRlei_PV9HFIpPUNMLPg/s320/bookmark+boyfriend+in+action+5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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How about instead we slip between the pages of a good book together? I'll hold the page when you need to go away. When you return we can make a sequel.</div>
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Or, if you don't read on paper, I'm also happy to coral the charging cord to your e-reader. Leave me on your bedside table and I won't be going anywhere - any room with you in it, is a room with a view.</div>
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So... who wants a bookmark boyfriend?</div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-50583000536290655202019-03-21T16:14:00.000-04:002019-03-21T16:14:37.817-04:00The Show Must Go On Teaser and First Chapter<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am so excited to share THE SHOW MUST GO ON that I can't wait until April 16th for everyone to get a look at it. That's why I'm sharing the first chapter right here! If you want an even longer sneak peak (chapters 1-3!) then <a href="https://mybookcave.com/d/532d350e/">CLICK HERE</a> to join my newsletter and get instant access to a download.<br />
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THE SHOW MUST GO ON is also available for pre-order on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Show-Must-Kate-Karyus-Quinn-ebook/dp/B07PQVY1CM/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_3?crid=1XZX1SRPRU5ED&keywords=the+show+must+go+on+kate+karyus+quinn&qid=1553106477&s=gateway&sprefix=the+show+must+go+on+kate+karyus+q%2Caps%2C176&sr=8-3-fkmrnull">Amazon</a>. </div>
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CHAPTER ONE</div>
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<h2 style="margin-left: 0in; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let Me Entertain You” –Gypsy<o:p></o:p></h2>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s second
nature to project my voice so that it fills every inch of the theater. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Admittedly,
that’s a bit tricky in this space—a majestic old movie theater that was closed
down and left to rot three decades ago. Now it’s an in-progress restoration
project. Tarps cover chairs. Scaffolding climbs the walls. And a fine layer of
sawdust coats every surface. Luckily, the construction crew gave us the space
today, so we don’t have to battle the whir and clatter of saws and hammers. But
even with those obstacles removed, the combination of soaring domed ceilings
and touchy sound system presents a unique challenge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Still,
so long as I control my breath and keep my words crisp, I know that once people
are in these empty seats, everyone will hear me just fine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Being
loud has never been a problem for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
do, however, occasionally, sporadically interspersed, without quite meaning
too, overpower my fellow performers. Sometimes I just can’t help it. The joy of
the music and the words and the movement all come together and burst out of
me—with the same volume intensity as a foghorn. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Today
though, that sense of joy eludes me. Or maybe it’s being <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sucked</i> out of me by my apathetic castmates. It’s funny. We’re in
the middle of a group number, but the only voice I hear is my own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Sing
out, Louise!” I hiss from the side of my mouth as I chassé across the stage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Who’s
Louise?” one of the girls asks, her face scrunched up in confusion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">That’s
all I can take. There are some theater references that everyone should know.
“Sing out, Louise!” from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gypsy</i> is one
of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Cut
the music! Cut, please, cut.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">After
a moment the music stops. Silence fills the room. The cast stares at me in
bewilderment. Taking a deep breath, I remind myself they’re theater newbies and
I need to be gentle with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Ladies,
I hate to say this, but that wasn’t very good. We’re forgetting lines. We’re
falling behind the music. We’re holding our voices in, when we need to be
projecting them out to the audience.” I fling both arms wide, indicating the
correct direction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The
girl playing Molly raises her hand. I can’t remember her actual name. Honestly,
I can rarely remember anyone’s name. But for some reason character names tend
to stick with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Yes?”
I nod at Molly, ready for a question about proper breathing techniques or what vocal
warm-ups I’d recommend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Does
this mean we have to do it again?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
put a hand over my mouth, hoping they mistake my smothered moan for indigestion.
“Yes. We’re gonna take it from the top and this time really give it our all.
Okay?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Ugh.”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“No-ohhhh.”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Not
againnnnn!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My
castmates, grown adults all of them, were in no way forced to be part of this
community theater production of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Annie</i>.
And yet they act like they’re doing hard time in a Russian gulag. Sadly, it’s
the best acting on this stage so far. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Yes,
againnnn. And again and again and again until we all get it right.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">This
does not go over well. A sea of sullen faces stare back at me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Well,
okay, I probably could’ve delivered that message in a better way. Tried to
relate to them. “Hey, guys, I know it sucks spending your whole afternoon in a
stuffy theater. I have other things I’d rather be doing too.” That’s not true
though. The theater is my very most favorite place—even when I’m sharing it
with castmates on the verge of mutiny. But maybe great leadership means
occasionally lying your face off? I don’t know. I have no fucking clue at all.
That’s the problem here. As co-director, I’m in charge, and my every decision
is making everything that’s already bad, even worse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">And
yet the show must go on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Mr.
Conductor?” I force myself to look down into the nearly empty orchestra pit. Due
to budget constraints, instead of musicians and their instruments packed
tightly together, we have a dude in cargo shorts and a stained T-shirt. And his
boom box. The last time I peered down there, he was clipping his toenails. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Now
he gives me a lazy salute, which seems nice…until I notice his middle finger
extended. Clearly he’s pissed this rehearsal has run two hours over schedule. No
surprise there—everyone is pissed. Adding in an extra rehearsal had seemed like
a no-brainer, especially considering how underprepared we are for an opening
night that’s five days away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead
it was—cue the minor chord progression—yet another wrong decision.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Turning
back to the cast, I clap my hands. “Places, everyone. And let’s remember, this
is our big opening number. We need to grab the audience or risk losing them
entirely. So let’s sing out and give it our all. Okay?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Half-hearted
nods and shrugs are all I get in response. After twelve weeks of rehearsal,
excitement levels are supposed to be at a fever pitch. The “OMG this is it!”
nerves should be spreading like a bad case of the flu. Instead, the prevailing
sentiment seems to be a whole lot of meh with a side of the whatevers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
don’t get their attitude. For me theater is more than a hobby. It’s more like my
baby. I love it beyond reason. I can’t imagine life without it. I insist on
bringing it up at all times, even when it’s unwelcome or inappropriate. Just
ask the mechanic at Wally’s Auto Lube. Last week I spontaneously serenaded him with
“Greased Lightning” while he rotated my tires.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
get that non-theater people, like the Wally’s Auto Lube mechanic who asked me
to “please, knock it off already,” may not feel the same way about my baby. But
theater people are supposed to get it. We share a secret language. And yeah,
this is their first musical for most of them, so I get they’re not fluent yet,
but every time I translate, they look at me in this sort of dead-eyed way.
Which makes it pretty obvious. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">They
all think my baby is ugly, and they have no idea how to break it to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Yet
somehow I keep hoping I might still win them over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Holding
in a sigh of despair, I glance back down to the pit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; tab-stops: 162.8pt; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Okay, Conductor, hit it.”<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
Frozen in our places, we
wait out a long moment of silence. Or there should be silence—except someone’s
phone goes off. Most people would quickly silence it and apologize. Instead I
hear a soft, “Hey, I can’t really talk right now.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
“No phones on stage!” I
screech the words like someone just barely holding on to the last shreds of
their sanity. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
“Wow. Lose it much?” someone
whispers to my left. A chorus of giggles follow.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Here’s
another problem. These people make me feel old. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Old</i> like my tenth-grade music teacher, Mrs. Phazo, who was only a
few years away from retirement and used to constantly mutter, “I don’t
understand any of you.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Of
course I’m not old. Yeah, I turned thirty a few months back. But thirty isn’t
old. It’s not, because I’m not old. Old people have mortgages and children and other
things I don’t even know enough about to list because of my extreme
youthfulness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">But…the
cast is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exceptionally</i> young.
Twenty-two is the median age. Our Daddy Warbucks just turned twenty. At the
little party we had for him, one of the girls pulled me aside to drunkenly
whisper, “Not sure if you know, but he totally has a thing for older women.” It
didn’t even occur to me that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> was
the older women, until she squealed, “He’s so into you!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Damn
it. Why is there no music?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
“CONDUCTOR!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
Pop. Crackle. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
“It’s the Hard Knock Life”
begins to play. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
What happens next is
ugly. Like the opening sequence to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Saving
Private Ryan</i>, it’s horrifying and disorientating. The choreography seems to
have been taken more as a general suggestion of how one might wish to move
their body. I have to dodge and weave like a prize fighter just to keep from
getting knocked out by one girl’s unpredictable twirling broom and another’s
series of kickboxing moves. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
As the last note fades, it’s
all I can do not to throw my head back and howl. Unclenching my jaw, I force a
smile onto my face instead. A smile full of warmth and genuine affection. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
It’s fake. Of course it’s
fake. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpLast" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
But it looks real, and
that’s because I am a professional actress. Well, a professional amateur. As
professional as someone who never gets paid can be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="gmail-msonormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .3in;">
Not many people can claim to have performed in community
theater shows in seventeen of the fifty states and in forty-one cities. Okay, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">cities</i> may be generous. Towns. Villages.
Once I was Fannie Brice in a production put on by the County Line Theater Company.
So I’ve run the gamut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="gmail-msonormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .3in;">
Some of those shows were bad. None were as awful as
this. Somehow I landed myself in an actual shit show. But when you’re sorta the
director, you can’t say that. So I turn the smile up a few notches instead.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Great job,
everyone. Let’s take five.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Retreating
backstage, I pull two ibuprofen and my cell phone from the back pocket of my
jeans. Almost immediately the phone rumbles. Two more missed calls from my mom
since the last time I checked, and one text message delivered in her usual
low-key way:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">JENNA! CALL ME! IT’S
IMPORTANT!! LOVE YOU! MOM!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My
mother’s idea of important is debatable. As just a recent example: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JENNA! WE GOTTA TALK ASAP ABOUT THIS NEW SEXTING
THING THE KIDS ARE DOING. SPOILER ALERT. US OLD PEOPLE CAN DO IT TOO! ;)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
stash my phone away again. Whatever Mom wants, it can wait. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">If
only this day was so easily dismissed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
jerk my wig off and massage my aching scalp, my fingertips searching out the
spaces between the bobby pins, trying to convince the headache that started
behind my eyes to, if not retreat, then at least slow its advance. I’m tempted
to find a corner and grab a three-minute standing nap. Years of chronic sleep
problems have made me a pioneer in a field I’ve dubbed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">extreme catnapping</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead
I step off the stage and stride up the aisle, past the empty rows of plush red
seats. I glance up at the curving edge of the balcony, struck anew by the size
and grandeur of this place. It’s not often I get to play a house this big. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Reaching
the back, I turn around. There’s that classic proscenium arch framing the empty
stage, all lit up and waiting for someone—me—to walk across it, find their mark,
and sing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Even
after years and years of doing this, my chest goes tight. The dopamine hit
fades quickly though, leaving behind a bone-deep weariness. And with it the
question that won’t leave me alone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Is
the show shit because of me? Have I lost it? Did I ever even have it? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Trying
to shake it off, I push open the double doors that lead to the lobby. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Stella,
the producer and other half of our co-directing team, is pacing back and forth on
the black-and-white tiled floor, cell phone pressed to her ear as she hollers
into it. “I’m gonna call the ACLU. Have you ever heard of freedom of speech?
Have you, huh? What about artistic expression? Is that a new one for you too?
Well, you better look ’em up, because we’re not going down without a fight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Seeing
me, Stella puts her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. “I got ’em on the
ropes here. How’s it going on your end?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Great!”
I lie. What else can I say to the person who considers this show her grand
musical theater vision? I can’t say, “Why did you ever drag me into this mess?”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Although
she did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Eight
months ago I was in Mississippi finishing up a run of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Sound of Music</i>, when Stella called.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Aren’t
you sick of the same old, same old?” she’d asked. “I mean, how many times now
have you done good old <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sound of Music</i>?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Seven
times playing Maria and singing “Do Re Mi.” That’s how many. Of course, every
production was different. In theory. In reality, some directors played things
so straight and by the book that it felt less like art and more like completing
a paint-by-numbers set. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Then
Stella said the magic words. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Annie</i>
meets <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fifty Shades of Grey</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It
was so wrong. And ridiculous. I couldn’t help but be intrigued. In retrospect,
I should’ve immediately said no. Instead, I heard the word “maybe” come out of
my mouth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Truthfully,
my big 3-0 milestone had a part in it. Aging out of my twenties made me
want…something. I wasn’t sure what.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">That
“maybe” was all the opening Stella needed. “Oh, Jenna, please say yes. I didn’t
want to get into this, but things with Brian aren’t going great. Also, the
theater group is trying to force me out, and well, I could really use an ally.
Someone who’s on my side one hundred percent.” Her voice cracked on that last
word. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Due
to my nomadic existence, I don’t have a lot of close friends…or really any
besides Stella. Still, you don’t need twenty BFFs to know the rules, the
simplest of which is when a friend asks for a favor, you better have a good
reason to say no.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“When
do you need me there?” I’d asked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It
was only after I’d arrived and unpacked that Stella informed me (in the same
tone you might use to tell someone they’d won the lottery) that she’d not only
given me the lead part but made me her co-director as well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I’d
never directed anything before. Never wanted to either. But Stella gave me the
big boo-boo eyes as she reminded me, “Jenna, I really need you. Puh-puh-please.”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
caved. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">And
now it’s tech week, a.k.a. the week before the show opens, when you practice
with lights and sound cues and costumes, and all the five hundred things that
can go wrong, do go wrong. But instead of five hundred things going wrong,
we’re closer to five million, and the whole damn production is balancing on the
brink of disaster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Goddamn
it, don’t you dare put me on hold again!” Stella returns to her phone
conversation, which doesn’t seem to be going well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">She’s
chatting with the fine folks at Musical Theater USA, the company we paid for
the rights to put <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Annie</i> on stage.
Somehow they got wind of all the shades of gray Stella added to the show, and
they are not happy. In fact, they’re demanding we close it down. Immediately. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">As
Stella starts to threaten once more, I decide to get some fresh air. Head
pounding more insistently than ever, I step outside, desperate for some sun on
my face—and nearly walk right into a sign reading, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SAY NO TO ONSTAGE PORN</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Ah
hell. I’d forgotten about the protestors. They’ve been coming round ever since
an anonymous editorial accusing the show of “sexualizing girlhood” came out in
the local paper. The next day a dozen people were out front chanting “Keep
Annie clean!” Now as they catch sight of me, several rush over waving bars of
soap. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Keeping
my head down, I push past them and then, as they refuse to give way, start to
run. Luckily, no one follows when I duck into the side alley, and I’m able to
lean against the stage door at the back of the building, catching my breath and
letting my heartbeat slow before finally heading inside. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">As
the door clunks shut behind me, I take a deep breath in. Slowly exhaling, I try
to let go of all the things going wrong and focus on what’s going right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
get to play Annie, a part I’d thought my advanced age made impossible for me to
cross off my bucket list. And while the show is a mess, it’s definitely not
boring. Finally…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
search for a third good thing as I pull my wig back on and return to the stage.
Carefully, I step over my castmates littered across the floor until finding center
stage, I plant myself there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">This
space right here. This is my third thing. My home. My safe space. My own
personal center that only needs a spotlight to complete it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Getting
to stand up here is the reward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">But
first I have to earn it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Hey.”
I clap my hands to get everyone’s attention. A few wan nods and rolled eyes are
all the encouragement I get. “Let’s work out the curtain call. Once that’s
solid, everyone can take a break until we meet again tonight for the dress
rehearsal.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Actual
groans meet this announcement. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“What’s
the point?” Molly asks. “They wanna shut the show down. I don’t care what
Stella says about refusing to wave the white flag—whatever that even means.
They don’t want us to add flags to the show, do they?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“No,
they are not asking for white flags,” I patiently explain. “They don’t like
that Annie and Daddy Warbucks have a sloppy kiss at the end of the show. They
also want us to stop stripping during ‘You’re Never Fully Dressed without a Smile.’”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Oh,
c’mon.” The flexible blond girl playing Pepper joins in the discussion. “That
is definitely a stripper song. Maybe in a more wink wink sort of way than we do
it, but still, it’s clearly about getting naked. Am I right or am I right?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The
other girls hoot and holler in agreement. And they’d know. Most of them work at
Topaz, the strip club out by the interstate. After we lost half the original cast
at the first table read, Stella was desperate for anyone with stage experience.
So she went out to Topaz and sold being part of our musical as a mix between a
blowout party with top-shelf liquor and a day at Disneyland. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Frankly,
I was tempted to drop out too. Once Stella fully articulated her vision, I
couldn’t help but think it sounded more crass than clever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Girls
kissing girls kissing boys kissing girls! It’s the Great Depression and everyone
wants to get laid!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The
words “I quit” were on the tip of my tongue, but remembering I was there to
support Stella, I swallowed them down and replaced them with “The show must go
on.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Those
five words have a near mystical quality to motivate me. I’ve gone on with bronchitis.
Sunburn so bad it left blisters up and down my arms. And even a broken foot. That
last was during <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My Fair Lady</i>. With
the long dress (mostly) covering the big clunky cast, I didn’t just go on, I
convinced everyone looking at me that I really could’ve danced all night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Now
I search for some way to transfer even a bit of that never-say-die feeling to
this group of people who are mostly here for fun. As a way to pass the time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
close my eyes. My head pounds even louder. And then—at last—inspiration
strikes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Happy
hour at the Wishing Well before the next rehearsal! First round of drinks on me!”
I announce.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">And
finally I’m greeted with cheers instead of jeers. Making a mental note to remember
my credit card, I circulate around the stage as everyone peels themselves off
the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Great
job on that final number.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Loved
your energy in the first act.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Good
recovery after losing your line.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
drop words of encouragement here and there, hoping between that and the promise
of free booze we can pull this thing across the line.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the three stripper poles are moved
downstage, I explain how immediately following the final number, everyone needs
to gather in the wings. At that point the music for “Tomorrow” will start. I
organize the cast in the order they’ll come out, in threes, with each swinging
round the stripper poles before taking their bow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“All
right, let’s do it!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Everyone
stares at me until I clap my hands, and then they scatter into the wings.
Again, I point to our conductor. He sighs loudly before pressing Play. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The
opening notes to “Tomorrow” begin, and I join the cast backstage. As the lead,
my bow is last. Right before me, Mrs. Hannigan and Daddy Warbucks will come out
and do their spins round the pole, and then the whole cast will turn upstage
and I’ll enter stage center. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">In
theory this should be easy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">But
first they forget the order. Then one girl takes too long on the pole,
launching into her whole routine from Topaz. The guy playing President
Roosevelt stops the whole thing to argue that his character would not use a
stripper pole, seeing as how he’s in a wheelchair. I explain it’s okay to break
character for the bows, and he goes off on a ten-minute rant about kids today
not respecting history, while I struggle not to roll my eyes because this is
already our third Roosevelt and I doubt we’ll be able to dig up another.
Finally, we compromise. The Boylan sisters will help him out of his wheelchair,
and then he’ll take a go on the pole. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We
run through it six times and not once do we make it to my bow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">As
“Tomorrow” starts up again, I can’t stand to watch. Hating myself for doing it—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">especially
after my earlier freak-out—I pull out my cell phone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There
are several more texts from my mom, mostly consisting of scared cat emojis and
exclamation marks. I can’t even begin to guess what they might mean. Below
those is a short text from my niece, Maxi. As a teenager she instinctively
knows how to compose an attention-grabbing text without resorting to all caps. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Grams really wants to
talk with you. I think somebody died or something.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My
heart stutters and then stops. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Somebody
died or something</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
peek between the curtains and see Mrs. Hannigan and Daddy Warbucks preparing to
step onstage. Mind racing, I watch as Mrs. Hannigan completes her rotation
round the stripper pole. Daddy Warbucks follows. It’s my turn to step onstage,
but instead my thumbs are rapidly typing out a text to my mother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">IS IT DANNY?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
need to move. They finally did the curtain call perfectly, and I’m screwing it
up. But I can’t go on, and neither can the show—not until I get an answer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It
comes at last. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">HOW DID YOU KNOW? CALL
ME. OK?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My
phone slips from my hand. I don’t bother to pick it up as I step onstage,
singing along with the rest of the cast, the words coming automatically. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Danny.
Dead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Oh,
Danny. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Suddenly
my throat is too tight to sing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
reach the stripper pole and wrap both hands around it. Instinctually I turn my
smile up a notch, sending it out to the empty seats as my legs bend, prepping
for my turn. There’s someone out there at the back of the theater, half in
shadow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
recognize him instantly despite all the years that have gone by. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Danny.
It’s Danny. Or his ghost.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I
am spinning while also twisting awkwardly to look over my shoulder, to see him
again. My hands, suddenly clammy, slip. Then I’m flying. And falling. As my
head thumps against the hard boards of the stage, I am not thinking about how
no one is singing or that we’ll have to do the curtain call again or any of the
things that have been tying me into knots today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There’s
only one thought in my mind. And it’s this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Danny
is dead, and it’s all my fault. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-57190537726702677342019-03-15T14:41:00.002-04:002019-03-15T14:41:40.572-04:00The Show Must Go On Cover Reveal!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIZGPf8gVUtOWoPF3_8xupRAesKAQbDZajK8IguwOFw7aXMsoh_bDjtbQFsAGZ_D5wtNzH9FnU_b_k8gH9A4OfD8SojoADb1vMlfr_vnc_HEeMddFzBA4g-AU89vJo3kb_9ZyEhKzE7dI/s1600/show+must+go+on+PNG.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1132" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIZGPf8gVUtOWoPF3_8xupRAesKAQbDZajK8IguwOFw7aXMsoh_bDjtbQFsAGZ_D5wtNzH9FnU_b_k8gH9A4OfD8SojoADb1vMlfr_vnc_HEeMddFzBA4g-AU89vJo3kb_9ZyEhKzE7dI/s320/show+must+go+on+PNG.png" width="226" /></a></div>
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THE SHOW MUST GO ON will be available for purchase April 16th, 2019. This is my first adult (ie: not YA novel) and I am so excited to share it with everyone. </div>
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Subscribers to my newsletter can check out the first three chapters - <a href="https://mybookcave.com/d/532d350e/">click here</a> to get started.</div>
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I also have to give a special shout-out to @VC_BookCovers who designed my cover and did an amazing job. </div>
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You can also add The Show Must Go On to <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43694140-the-show-must-go-on">Goodreads </a>or Pre-order on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PQVY1CM?ref_=pe_3052080_276849420">Amazon</a>.</div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">After a freak accident changed
her whole life, a guilt-stricken girl put as much distance as she could between
her hometown and herself. Now, over a decade later, she must find the courage
to return home and face the music.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Ever
since her thirtieth birthday, Jenna’s been battling a bad case of the blahs. Hoping
to shake up her life, she agrees to take the lead role in a theatrical
production pitched as <i>Annie</i> meets <i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i>. However, by the
time tech week rolls around, it’s clear that “dirty Annie” is a disaster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Then,
Jenna receives life-changing news . . .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Everyone
has that one ex they can’t forget. But for Jenna it’s different. Her ex, Danny,
has been in a coma for twelve years. Now he’s awake—and asking for her. The
only problem is, the thought of seeing Danny again gives her a panic attack. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Jenna’s
determined to ignore her conscience—until Danny’s younger brother, Will,
arrives on her doorstep. He insists on escorting her across the country, back
to Buffalo, New York—and Danny’s bedside. Even as Jenna and Will heatedly
debate if she’ll stay or if she’ll go, an inconvenient attraction sparks
between them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">As her
life further unravels and opening night rapidly approaches, Jenna will have to
learn that “the show must go on” is a phrase that applies to more than just the
stage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">For fans
of Sally Thorne, Penny Reid, and Lucy Parker, this hilarious romantic comedy
will give you all the feels. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-74950824919080789832019-01-24T21:09:00.003-05:002019-01-24T21:09:57.793-05:00Newsletter!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-63174068090729396772017-10-18T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-23T23:55:26.947-04:00PitchWars Critique - SHADOWS OF OBLIVION<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="background-color: #fefdfa; color: #7d181e; font-family: georgia, utopia, "palatino linotype", palatino, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dear Mentor, </span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #222222;">
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<span style="color: #222222;">Kelsi is looking for a purpose, something bigger than herself, but she never expected that wish to come true. Blackmailed into kidnapping a student from Earth, Nero is faced with the unlikely decision of revenge or humanity while hunting a mysterious organization that kidnaps people and vanishes without a trace. </span><span style="color: red;">You've lost me. Kelsi wants what specifically? And then what happens to her? Establish that before moving onto Nero. You also need to be more clear about how and why and where these two people (beings?) intersect.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Justifying his decision to hide Kelsi onboard his spaceship </span><i style="color: #222222;">Nemesis</i><span style="color: #222222;">, </span><span style="color: red;">how is she onboard his ship? When is this taking place?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Nero’s gray morals are brought into question by his crew and himself. </span><span style="color: red;">specifically what morals and brought into question specifically how?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> He’s always done the wrong things for the right reason in this pursuit, but now the Grey Men </span><span style="color: red;">who are the gray men?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> have taken it a step further, </span><span style="color: red;">taken what specifically one step further?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> comprising the one thing Nero swore he’d never do; </span><span style="color: red;">what is the one thing he swore he'd never do?!?!?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> it’s time to pay them back in kind. </span><span style="color: red;">Pay who back how? I am so lost here.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red;">Paragraph break here. </span><span style="color: #222222;">Faced with the reality of never returning to Earth, Kelsi must choose between hopelessness and accepting what fate has dealt her. Together, they </span><span style="color: red;">she and Nero?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> delve into the mystery of the Grey Men, who they are and what they are after, but there are consequences for such actions. </span><span style="color: red;">what consequences?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> As the </span><i style="color: #222222;">Nemesis </i><span style="color: #222222;">crew struggles to overcome the obstacle </span><span style="color: red;">what obstacle?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> set forth by the Grey Men, Kelsi is forced to question if all of this </span><span style="color: red;">If all of what is a misunderstanding? I am still not clear on what exactly happened to her.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> is a misunderstanding, or if she was meant to be there all along.</span></div>
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Camille is a Magna Cum Laude graduate of the University of Southern California with a B.A. in English: Creative Writing.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Combining action/adventure </span><strike><span style="color: #222222;">and heart </span></strike><span style="color: #222222;"> </span><span style="color: red;">I'd cut this, unless you mean to say romance in which cause say that </span><span style="color: #222222;">with light science fiction, The Shadows of Oblivion </span><span style="color: red;">title should be in caps</span><span style="color: #222222;">, a young adult science fiction is complete at 120,000 words. </span><span style="color: red;">WOH! That is on the long side for ya fiction - even SFF. I'd see about cutting that word count down. </span></div>
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Thank you for your time and consideration.</div>
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Best Wishes,</div>
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</span><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 25.6px; text-align: center; white-space: normal;">
<b>The Shadows of Oblivion<u></u><u></u></b></div>
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</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 25.6px; white-space: normal;">
Chapter 1<u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Paradise; whoever named the grimy, enclosed, shadow of a city didn’t think it would end up like this. Not that Nero minded. He slid from the corner of the adobe structure back into the dirt street. Despite the violence and the deadbeats, the constant state of upheaval Paradise could never seem to shake, he still preferred this city to the ceaseless clamor of Henrik or gilded cosmopolitan of Mojo. </span><span style="color: red;">It'd be nice to get a bit better sense of Paradise before you move onto naming other cities. The comparison doesn't really help define what/where/when Paradise is</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">The warehouse that enclosed Paradise, protecting it from the relentless winds and sand of the planet, was crumbling at the rafters. Spots of sun and windblown sand eddied through the openings, falling in the air around Nero as he walked towards the main artery of the city. Turning up the collar of his trench coat and ducking his chin inside, he avoided the blast of hot dirt that came at him, the hungry sand eager to find a resting place. </span><span style="color: red;">This is nice description. I can "see" this. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Nero shook the sand off his coat as he walked down the main thoroughfare, cautiously avoiding the children who scurried in and out of the shadows. The unseasoned wannabes trying their luck on Vurrik didn’t stand a chance against the ravaging pickpockets who ruled this city of villains and scum. </span><span style="color: red;">villains and scum seems a little overly harsh when talking about children - even if they are pickpockets.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Ev’s sat on the corner of the central crossroad, along with many other cantinas and gambling houses. Nero didn’t slow as he crossed the intersection, weaving his way through Paradise’s congestion with ease. Many of the traders stepped out of his way. Towering above the bulk of the crowd, his battered trench coat nipping at his heels, Nero cut an intimidating figure. </span><span style="color: red;">The writing here is good, although there are definitely places where I think you could cut a sentence here or there and not loose anything. Basically we have a lot of description of Nero walking and the city. You mention Nero's trench coat twice - once when he turns up the collar and then again here in this last paragraph. Does it need two mentions? Considering the word count on your full MS, I'd recommend having a critique partner help you find places to cut.</span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-58866820267382590582017-10-16T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-16T08:00:10.620-04:00PitchWars Critique - ACHERON CROSSING<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Dear Mentors,</span><span style="font-family: "arial";"></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";">Natalie commits suicide to escape bullying for her weight, </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">WOH! There's a lot going on here and we're not even through the whole sentence. Maybe break this up a bit and bring us a bit into Natalie's world. She's being bullied for being overweight, I assume? Can you go into more detail than that even? Give some specific details to bring her to life.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";"> and ends up in Acheron Crossing, a destroyed city whose feral inhabitants menace her from the shadows. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">But she's dead, right? This needs to be clear.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";"> Dante rescues her, </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">from what? And who is Dante anyway?</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";"> then tasks her with meeting new arrivals and taking them where they belong. In exchange, he magically makes her thin. She agrees, party out of gratitude, and partly because she wants him to like her. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">Dante can magically make her thin, why doesn't he magically make her do the meeting new arrivals thing?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";">Dante warns her to stay away from Ben, another relatively “normal” resident of the town. He’s her opponent </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">it isn't clear whether the 'he' you're referring to is Ben or Dante</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";"> in a game she doesn’t understand, trying to get to the new arrivals before she does. As time goes on, and she develops feelings for both men, </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">Men? Isn't this YA? So aren't they boys?</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";"> it becomes clear that they’re hiding things, and one of those secrets might be that they’re not all as trapped as they seem. One of them is using her feelings against her, </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">using what feelings?</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";"> and she has to face her past and insecurities if she wants to find the truth. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">Find the truth doesn't feel like very high stakes. Or all that compelling. If she doesn't face her past and insecurities than... can you give a bigger more gulp inducing consequence here?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";">ACHERON CROSSING is a 69,000 word YA horror novel.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial";"> </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";">I have a Master’s Degree in mental health counseling, and worked as a crisis counselor with teens struggling with suicidal ideation. I have been published online and in several small anthologies under my pseudonym, Doree Weller, and am active on social media. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">Very nice bio! No comps though for your book?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial";"></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a;">Thank you for your time and consideration. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "times new roman";">Sincerely,</span><span style="font-family: "arial";"></span></div>
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Acheron Crossing</div>
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by Doree Weller</div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Chapter 1 </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;"> I didn’t know the last day I was alive would be the last day. </span><span style="color: red;">Well most people don't. This is not a great first line. You want a first line to GRAB your reader. Even the construction isn't great. You repeat last day. And it's vague. Think of all the different ways you could say this same thing. I didn't know my last day alive would be meatloaf Monday. I didn't know when I woke up to the rain pouring down that I'd be dead before the basement would flood. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;"> Maybe I should have, but I’d been thinking about suicide for so long that it was just background noise in my head. </span><span style="color: blue;">Like </span><span style="color: #222222;">the little mental voice that sounded just </span><span style="color: blue;">like </span><span style="color: #222222;">me and hated me, reminding me whenever I did anything stupid or weird, or just plain wrong. </span><span style="color: red;">Watch our for word echoes like the ones I highlighted here.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;"> It started off </span><span style="color: blue;">like </span><span style="color: #222222;">an ordinary school day. I got up, had a rushed breakfast, said goodbye to my parents, rode the bus to school. </span><span style="color: red;">Can you color these moments in a bit more. Give them some shading. What is the rushed breakfast? Where are mom and dad when she says goodbye? What is the bus like? Crowded? loud? Maybe it's a generic day for her, but it shouldn't feel that way for the reader.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Got to school and spent the first hour trying to stay awake while my teachers droned on.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;"> At lunch, I got a salad. I debated between Ranch dressing or fat free Italian, which I hated. I finally settled on a tiny bit of Ranch, figuring just a little bit wouldn’t have too many calories. </span><span style="color: red;">If she's worrying about this I think she'd know the exact number of calories. Show us those calculations. Really get us into her head.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;"> Betsy, Lexie, and Lexie’s boyfriend Ray were already sitting when I joined them. They were deep in conversation about some movie they’d seen the week before. I hadn’t gone because there’d be popcorn there. Popcorn and candy and wonderful smells. And I was on a diet. </span><span style="color: red;">Again, more here. Give us more sensory food details - show us why it would be impossible for her to sit there and not have the popcorn and candy and whatever else.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> “You should have come with us,” Betsy said. “It was so good.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> “We can go again this weekend, if you want to go with us,” Lexie said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> I wasn’t going to go, but I couldn’t just say that. They wouldn’t understand. “Maybe,” I said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> I ate my salad and was still hungry, so I took my sketchpad out of my backpack to distract me. I worked in pencils, sketching Venice from the memory of a picture on Pinterest.</span></div>
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">Overall, the writing here is fine, but it needs to be sharper. Right now my image of this girl is hazy and unfocused. I want her to be so clear that I could pick her out of a lineup and you get that with specific details that bring her and her world to life.</span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-42589060357681781722017-10-11T22:50:00.000-04:002017-10-11T22:50:00.735-04:00PitchWars Critique - BONDED BY LIES<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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Dear Mentor,</div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Lina was all set to spend her spring break<strike> training to</strike> finally beat</span><span style="color: red;">ing</span><span style="color: #222222;"> her mentor in a sparring match</span><span style="color: red;">.</span><span style="color: #222222;">, </span><span style="color: red;">Instead she found herself </span><span style="color: #222222;"><strike>not </strike>fighting demons and chasing down her mom’s kidnappers! </span><span style="color: red;">There's a lot in this first sentence. I'd maybe break it up and make it two. Also it's a little overly wordy.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: red;">New paragraph just to give a break after the big set-up above. </span><span style="color: #222222;">When horn-headed, foul-smelling demons invade Lina’s suburban Georgia life, her nemesis, </span><span style="color: red;">nemesis why? Also maybe mention he's her fellow classmate or whatever else he is.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Dray, goes after them for the same reason she does- they took his mom, too. Lina knows that he’s just as likely to turn her over to the demons himself, but he’s still her best shot, if she can prove that she’s worth more to him as an ally than as a bargaining chip. </span><span style="color: red;">This sentence is too wordy. Also why would he turn her over to the demons? It'd be nice to know why they hate each other so much that she thinks he'd do that.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Dray and Lina share more than open animosity for each other; they’re also angels- </span><span style="color: red;">Oh! The angel thing is a surprise and changes so many of my assumptions. You need to have that detail right in there from the beginning, not coming out of nowhere in the third paragraph.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> which is next to useless when she didn’t even get a pair of wings out of the deal. Her lack of faith leaves her powers unreliable, but she’s still ready to take down any demon that gets in the way of saving her mom. As a four-thousand-year-old war drags Lina in, demons prove more reliant than her fellow angels. Meanwhile, her increasingly conflicted feelings about Dray and the role her own mother played in his painful past complicate the choice Lina is faced with.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">She has to choose between the angels who can save her mother but will kill Dray for the sin of being born half-demon, or the demons who will help them both. But the demons’ aid </span><strike style="color: #222222;">would</strike><span style="color: #222222;"> come</span><span style="color: red;">s</span><span style="color: #222222;"> at a price- Lina <strike>would</strike> </span><span style="color: red;">will </span><span style="color: #222222;">have to </span><span style="color: red;">betray her own kind.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> <strike>get her hands dirty to further their cause against her own kind</strike>. </span><span style="color: red;">Much less wordy this way.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> </span><span style="color: red;">Otherwise, this is a good summation of what's at stake here.</span></div>
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BONDED BY LIES<i> </i>is a young adult contemporary fantasy complete at 104,000 words that would appeal to fans of DAUGHTER OF SMOKE AND BONE and THRONE OF GLASS.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">I am a college instructor who spends 8 hours a day trying to motivate young adults. I was inspired to write about a martial arts-savvy heroine through my own experience of earning my black belt in Taekwondo as a teenager. </span><span style="color: red;">Good bio paragraph!</span></div>
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Thank you for your time and consideration.</div>
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Best Regards,</div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: #222222;">The way Lina saw it, there were two ways to come back from a sucker punch. Cower in the shadows with a scrape on your cheek and mud drying on your knees, or come back up swinging harder than that bastard could’ve ever seen coming. </span><span style="color: red;">this second sentence feels overly wordy and reads a bit awkwardly. Maybe break into two sentences?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: #222222;">Lina slammed the metal door of her locker shut, smiling at the way the bang echoed down the hallway. Andy sighed and shook his head, leaning against the row of lockers beside her. </span><span style="color: red;">Why does this have to do with the above sucker punch opening? Seems unrelated? Why not just start with this paragraph instead?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">“Bonus points. You flinched.” Lina smirked at him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">“Don’t take it out on the poor locker, Freshie. Your grade in calc is your own fault.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"><span style="color: #222222;">“What’s the point of getting good grades if my mom is going to make me go to community college, anyway?” Lina scowled at the textbook in her hands. She had to prove, somehow, that she was strong enough to leave her mother’s protective nest. Then maybe a university that was two hours away wouldn’t be so out of the question. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">“Hey, it feeds into Georgia tech. Do your homework- for once- and <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_271501375" style="border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(204, 204, 204); position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">in two years</span></span>, you can come beg me to show you how to find your classes.” He lifted his sandy-blond eyebrows and leaned over, adding, “Freshie.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">Lina reached out to pinch him, but he leapt out of the way with those annoying reflexes that came from years of martial arts training. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"><span style="line-height: 17.12px;">He laughed and stepped back to her, and s</span>he was forced to crane her neck to glare up at him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">“Damn you for getting so much taller than me!” Sophomore trig class felt like decades ago, not just three years, when Andy had insisted that she looked too young, and must’ve been a freshman. Thus, the nickname.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">He continued to laugh and her cheeks warmed. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 32px;">Overall the writing here is good, but it doesn't jump off the page. You may be starting the story in the wrong place as nothing is happening here and there's no tension to draw me in and make me want to keep reading and turning the pages.</span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-32102811440467486842017-10-09T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-09T08:00:00.882-04:00PitchWars Critique - THE LAST EXIT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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Dear [Agent]:</div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span style="color: #222222;">At sixteen, Birk Bellamy is starting over yet again with his fifth foster family. Kicked out of every foster home he’s been in, he wants to bury his past </span><span style="color: red;">bury his past is a cliche and also not specific enough to tell me anything</span><span style="color: #222222;"> and be left the hell alone. But rumors of his past indiscretions </span><span style="color: red;">What sort of indiscretions are we talking about here? Again, can you be more specific?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> result in unwanted attention from the kids at his new school. Worse, the drunk driver who killed his parents is paroled, resurrecting his crushing pain </span><span style="color: red;">I'd cut the second half of this sentence - we get why having the person who killed his parents out of jail sucks</span><span style="color: #222222;">. He copes with his turmoil through secrecy, isolation, and the occasional fistfight, always looking for the exit. </span><span style="color: red;">what does "looking for the exit" mean? What specifically does he want?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;">While deep in the woods, Birk meets fourteen-year-old Philip “</span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip</span><span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;">” Thorndale hiding in a ramshackle cabin. Birk wants nothing to do with him, but </span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip</span><span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;"> earns Birk’s trust and draws Birk into his crisis. </span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip’s</span><span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;"> parents give him an illegal drug that keeps him alive but causes extraordinary side effects, and they are on the run from the FBI. </span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip</span><span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;"> and his parents got separated, and </span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip</span><span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span style="color: #222222;"> is running out of his medicine. He must find his parents and the safe place to which they were fleeing. Risking arrest and </span><span style="color: blue;">exposure of his emotional vulnerabilities</span><span style="color: #222222;">, </span><span style="color: red;">the phrasing here reads really awkwardly. Maybe just cut it.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Birk agrees to help him.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;">The FBI learns of Birk’s contact with </span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip</span><span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;">, and they pressure Birk to turn Frip in. When Birk </span><span style="color: #222222;">stonewalls</span><span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span style="color: #222222;"> </span><strike style="color: #222222;">the agents</strike><span style="color: #222222;">, they threaten the few things that hold Birk together, </span><span style="color: red;">what specifically???</span><span style="color: #222222;"> and his tightly wound life unravels </span><span style="color: red;">how? Specifically?</span><span style="color: #222222;">. As </span></span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip’s</span><span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;"> condition worsens, Birk must choose between protecting </span><span style="color: #222222;">Frip’s </span><span style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;">fragile life or his own—but, with his past, he’s not certain he can succeed at either. </span><span style="color: red; text-indent: 0in;">I'm not sure you've established why his past makes him believe he can't succeed. </span></div>
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<i style="color: #222222; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="text-transform: uppercase;">THE LAST EXIT</span> </i><span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span style="color: #222222;">is a Young Adult contemporary novel, </span><span style="color: red;">is this just contemporary? The bit with the drug that causes extraordinary side effects feels like some paranormal or magical realism has been thrown in here too.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> 81,000 words. A lifelong Midwesterner, I am an attorney and writer in Cincinnati, Ohio. </span></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0in;">Thank you for your time and consideration.</span></div>
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Some moments you capture; others capture you. That afternoon, I was the prisoner.</div>
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“I’m going to puke,” I said.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"> “Well, don’t,” said Mrs. Wu, my social worker. “Not here on the front porch. We don’t want </span><i style="color: #222222;">that </i><span style="color: #222222;">again.” She glanced at me, gauging my puke propensity, and checked her phone again. “Your new foster parents might not be as understanding about it as your last ones.” </span><span style="color: red;">Seems kind cold. Not like he can control throwing up.</span></div>
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Gripping my two suitcases, I breathed through the queasiness. I was so sick of beginnings and endings. My fourth foster family had recently kicked me out, and the group home the agency sent me to after that had rejected me, too. Beginnings and endings sucked equally, and they made me so sick.</div>
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<i><span style="color: #222222;"> I’ll find a way out of this. I’ll find the exit. And without the gun. </span><span style="color: red;">I feel like this sentence is taking me out of the moment, which is interesting and has high enough stakes that you don't need to add anything more quite yet.</span></i></div>
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Mrs. Wu looked sideways at me again, taking in my black t-shirt, torn black jeans, and old Doc Martens.</div>
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“You could have dressed better, Birk.” She rang the doorbell.</div>
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“I tucked in my goddamned shirt,” I muttered.</div>
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“Let’s try to have a more positive attitude.” Mrs. Wu primped her hair and adjusted her skirt. “And please brush your hair out of your eyes.”</div>
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I scowled, shook my hair a little, getting it <i>more</i> in my eyes, and waited, the nausea rising in me.</div>
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“And Birk—”</div>
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“I <i>know</i>.”</div>
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<i><span style="color: #222222;"> Don’t get angry. Stay in control. Don’t go dark again. </span><span style="color: red;">This is a pretty solid first page. It feels like you're starting at a good place. I wanted a bit more voice wise - just a bit more flavor on the page and more time inside your MC's head because this guy seems like he's been through a lot and it doesn't feel like you've completely dug all the way into this character.</span></i></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-24147274028261421662017-10-04T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-04T08:00:04.757-04:00PitchWars Critique - UNTIL THE MEEK INHERIT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Pampered, indulged teenagers, Judith Marie Freeman, 14, and her brother Lance, 15, are orphaned when a car accident kills both parents. Thinking to transfer their dependence to their elderly next door neighbor, Miss Hattie Strang, they are startled when Miss Hattie insists on providing what she believes they need most: “Supervised Adversity.”</span></span><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span"><span style="color: #222222;"> Bypassing the usual bickering, Judi and Lance narrow their priorities to one: staying together. Reluctantly, they give up their family home, then a modest motel room, and wind up living in a boxcar on an abandoned railroad spur. </span><span style="color: red;">Okay, I was with you until the "supervised adversity" bit. What does that mean? And everything that happens after is because they are running from Miss Hattie or stuff she is doing or has nothing to do with her? This needs to be clarified.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span> </span></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">UNTIL THE MEEK INHERIT is complete at 61,000 words. </span><span style="color: red;">You need to specify what this is. Young adult contemporary? YA mystery? Whatever it needs to be there. Also... where is the rest of your query? The above paragraph is only set-up. I want to know what the main conflict in your story is. Also who the main character is. Also what's at stake. What you have above is not enough.</span></span></span></div>
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<span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span>A former newspaper reporter, I have a degree in journalism from the University of Oklahoma. Thirteen of my manuscripts are now available from print/royalty companies and online. No. 14 is to be released in March, 2018. My short work has appeared in “Newsweek,” “Time,” “True Love,” “Whispers from Heaven,” “Arabella,” “Pray!” “The Harvard Review,” and other national magazines. </span>I am active on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media, have a blog (<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://sharonervin.wordpress.com&source=gmail&ust=1504748098101000&usg=AFQjCNFaMoQ3-AbuOeoxGML1LfkINGJiKQ" href="http://sharonervin.wordpress.com/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">sharonervin.wordpress.com</a>), and a website (<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://sharonervin.com&source=gmail&ust=1504748098101000&usg=AFQjCNFjMk6EZDxRZ5DghWA3MrM2c2MQeg" href="http://sharonervin.com/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">sharonervin.com</a>). I am active in Romance Writers of America, Sisters in Crime, the Texas Writers Guild, the Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc., and a local critique group. </span></div>
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<span class="im"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #222222;">The mother of four grown children, I work half-days in my husband and son's law office. </span><span style="color: red;">While nice, I don't think you need this last bit about mother of four grown children, etc.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">UNTIL THE MEEK INHERIT</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Chapter One</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #222222;">Judith Marie Freeman’s head jerked forward as sleep, the Nemesis of 14-year-olds, almost defeated her again. </span><span style="color: red;">nemesis doesn't need caps. Also not sure if sleep is the nemesis of 14 yr olds specifically.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> She had to stay awake. She patted her cheeks and sat up straighter. She wanted her parents to see she was the adult in the house, able to last beyond her </span><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_271501378" style="border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(204, 204, 204); color: #222222; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">10:30</span></span><span style="color: #222222;"> curfew.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #222222;">Judi celebrated through the whole day of being on her own, her private joy marred only by Lance’s interruptions. </span><span style="color: red;">what interruptions specifically?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span>“You are such a toad,” she whispered toward his six-foot frame slumbering on the long couch. She flashed him her superior look. “I outlasted you, you big wuss.” She gloated quietly, loving the one-sided conversation.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span>“You are <i>not</i> two years older than I am. Only twenty months.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span>At five-feet-six-inches, Judi was tall for her age. She resembled her brother, slim with sandy hair and bright blue eyes, although she had a quicker, more inquisitive mind, at least that’s what she told people. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #222222;">A </span><span style="color: red;">car</span><span style="color: #222222;">? Was that a </span><span style="color: red;">car</span><span style="color: #222222;"> in the driveway? Two</span><span style="color: red;"> car</span><span style="color: #222222;"> doors slammed. </span><span style="color: red;">Try not to repeat the same word several times like this.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span>“They’re home,” she blurted, then clamped a hand over her mouth, eying Lance. He didn’t stir. Let them see the real Lance, slack-jawed, drooling, and the real Judi, alert, taking care of business.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="m_-3462657584761858292m_-6181412768745452401Apple-tab-span" style="color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #222222;">Her arms and legs flailed in four directions as she struggled over the arm of the chair, dropping the Afghan in her flight. Wearing panties topped with one of her dad’s old T-shirts that covered her to her knees, she bounded toward the entry hall, then ran back to retrieve the Afghan. </span><span style="color: red;">This reads more like middle grade than YA just from the character's description and mindset about wanting to be seen as older more mature, but coming across as very very young.</span></span></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-83949911042130455192017-10-02T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-02T22:49:15.942-04:00PitchWars Critique - ERADICATED<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">I’m writing to pitch you my novel, ERADICATED. Eradicated is an 78,000-word young adult fantasy novel. <span style="color: red;">I would not repeat the title back to back like this. Instead: ...pitch you my novel, a 78,000 word young adult fantasy, ERADICATED.</span><u></u></span></div>
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Seventeen-year old Maya Richardson joined the commune army for food, shelter, and an excuse to kick people—not necessarily in that order. <span style="color: red;">Not sure if I know what a "commune army" is, but otherwise this is a good sentence.</span> She doesn’t believe she’ll ever see the front line though. The militia has been preparing for a fight with the Gliesians for the past 400 years. But the Gliesians—the super-powered aliens that now co-habit the Earth—have been completely peaceful. Maya, like most humans, refuses to buy into the conspiracy theories--until her mom is abducted. <span style="color: red;">Okay, you are throwing a lot at me here. There are aliens. They're peaceful, but there is a still a militia preparing to fight them and there are conspiracy theories (about what specifically?) and then her mom is abducted. It feels like the way you're telling everything here is with a THIS... BUT type structure. She joins the army BUT doesn't think she'll have to fight. The militia is prepared to fight BUT the aliens are peaceful. BUT some people say they aren't. And then mom is abducted. Once this might work but over and over again it just feels messy and confused.</span><u></u></div>
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Maya will do anything to save her mom, but the fearful commune elders forbid Maya from leaving the compound grounds. <span style="color: red;">Where does she need to go?</span> The only person on her side is Roman, a seventeen-year-old outsider, with a grudge against the aliens for killing his dad. <span style="color: red;">So... the peaceful aliens killed his dad?</span> Maya and Roman escape from the compound and into the glittering allure of the Gliesian city. But everything that glitters isn’t gold, <span style="color: red;">cliche and also tells me nothing</span> and Maya’s search for answers uncovers a nefarious plot that has been causing the human population to dwindle for centuries.<u></u><u></u></div>
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Caught spying on the aliens, Maya is thrown in prison and sentenced to death. Roman risks his life to free her, but exposes himself to be something other than human—something she can’t accept. With her mom’s life on the line, Maya must convince the rest of the humans that the aliens pose a threat, the commune that they are capable of winning the war, and herself that Roman isn’t the enemy. <span style="color: red;">Good final paragraph! I like the stakes. Except if the humans have a militia why does she need to convince them the aliens are a threat? Or is the militia small? Might want to clarify this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">Prologue<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"> I smell them before I see them. <span style="color: red;">Eh. I feel like this sentence needs more specificity to grab me or to lead to a really great second sentence... </span><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">If there is one thing training to be a warrior has taught me, it’s to be observant. <span style="color: red;">Also, eh. This feels cliche and lacking in specificity. Seems like training to be a warrior would teach you many things. This is a great place to inject some voice. "Training to be a warrior has taught me how long it takes a black and blue bruise to fade. That I can run three miles... as long as someone is screaming at me the entire time. But mostly to be observant. Especially in the mess hall on mystery meat Monday." Now none of this may fit your story or character, but do you see how much more specific this is and how much voice it has?</span><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">Aliens can easily hide their smell in the cities. The cities are scented; perfume is literally incorporated into the air filtration system, the water supply, the clothes.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">Out here, on the dusty trail, with the wind blowing, the odor is noticeable—palpable. <span style="color: red;">Maybe describe the odor or compare it to something?</span><u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">So is my fear. <span style="color: red;">to who? The aliens?</span><u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">My fingers quiver, sweat pours down my face, my heart rate speeds up. I fumble in my bag for the vials that will hopefully save my life-- or at least give me a fighting chance.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">A million thoughts run through my mind. <i>How many are there? Which of the seven powers do they have? God, I hope it isn’t super speed. </i><u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">Three Gliesian men appear in front of me. Shoot, they either have invisibility or super speed. Both of which makes an already unfair fight … well, more unfair.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"> They look human, as always, but the predatory look in their eyes feels more like that of a rabid animal. The hairs on my neck stand on edge. <span style="color: red;">I don't know enough about Gliesian at this point to be invested in the stakes of what is happening here. I don't know your narrator well enough to get invested in what is happening here. Action often seems like a great gripping place to start, but more often it feels like turning a movie on that you've never seen before in the middle of a car chase. </span><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"> “What have we here?” the tallest one asks. His green eyes dance wildly. Dirty jeans and a tank top hug his muscular frame, long blond hair is slicked back into a pony tail. “What’s in the bag?”<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 17.12px; white-space: normal;">“It’s not hair grease, so you wouldn’t be interested".</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 17.12px; white-space: normal;">Period goes inside the " on this last sentence. Dialogue feels a bit generic villain - especially the "What have we here?" line.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 17.12px; white-space: normal;"> </span></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-80215831851474869952017-09-27T08:00:00.000-04:002017-09-27T08:00:28.600-04:00PitchWars Critique - LIKE BIRDS UNDER THE CITY SKY<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">Dear <agent name="" s="">,</agent></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">LIKE BIRDS UNDER THE CITY SKY is a 54,000 word young adult novel with <strike>slight</strike> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'd cut that one word. If there are sf elements but you're not saying it is a sf novel, then slight is implied.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> science fiction elements. It </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">might</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> appeal<strike>s</strike> to fans of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">More Happy Than Not</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Seventeen-year-old Micah can deal with being homeless. Like the birds, he trusts God will provide him with food and clothing. </span><span style="color: red;">I feel like this is an odd belief and you might want to elaborate a bit more here. Like does he get food and clothing. Also how long has he been homeless?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> However, he has a harder time dealing with armed thugs following him around the city.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">The thugs want to use Micah to get Charlie, his hacker boyfriend who escaped from Robo.Me, a shell corporation that does black ops for the CIA. </span><span style="color: red;">WOH!! So much information here. It's a bit much to take in within just one sentence. Maybe intro Charlie in the above paragraph. Or maybe give Charlie his own paragraph, since he seems to have quite the backstory.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Micah will die before giving up Charlie’s location, but he isn’t ready to meet his maker yet since he’s not really sure how The Almighty feels about the sex he and Charlie enjoy. Thankfully, he loses the thugs in a warren of drug-smuggling tunnels. </span><span style="color: red;">He loses them... how exactly?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">While Charlie works on a virus that will wipe out Robo.Me servers and all the information they hold about him, </span><span style="color: red;">what information specifically?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Micah uses his dumpster diving skills </span><span style="color: red;">What dumpster diving skills? is this how he gets food and clothing? would be helpful to mention this earlier.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> and the contacts he made through community service to gather intel. </span><span style="color: red;">Gather what sort of intel? About who? Not sure how this helps.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Their plan requires more sins than Micah would like, </span><span style="color: red;">What sins exactly dumpster diving is not a sin?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> but if they don’t stop Robo.Me Micah will be killed (probably burn in hell) and Charlie will be pressed into service as a cyber-assassin. </span><span style="color: red;">How do they know this is what will happen? Also how will erasing the servers help Charlie get away - won't the people hunting for him still know who he is and why they want him?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This novel was inspired by both my own struggle with identity and religion, and by witnessing other LGTBQA+ people hold onto their faith without compromising their identity, even when the church rejected them. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is great!</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I won second place in Women on Writing’s Winter 2016 Flash Fiction Contest. My YA fiction was published in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Youth Imagination</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Spaceports & Spidersilk.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> My short fiction for adults has appeared in dozens of publications including </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Helios Quarterly</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Theme of Absence</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Alternative Truths</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nice bio.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">Thank you for your time and consideration. I’ve included <what ask="" for="" guidelines="" the=""></what></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">Sincerely,</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Life as a vagrant isn’t as bad as I once imagined, but it’s far from glamorous. I’m free, I’m alive, and no one is telling me who I can love and who I can’t, but sometimes I feel like the city is swallowing me whole. Skyscrapers, flashing lights, cars, and herds of people surround me. I can barely see the sky through the haze of humanity that </span><strike style="color: #222222;">is</strike><span style="color: #222222;"> clog</span><strike style="color: #222222;">ging</strike><span style="color: #222222;"> these streets. </span><span style="color: red;">just a suggestion to help eliminate wordiness</span><span style="color: #222222;"> My chest tightens, I force myself to take a deep breath, and keep pushing through the crowds.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">I miss open spaces: cornfields, lakes, and rolling hills. I’d give almost anything to spend a day in the woods, working my way uphill until I break the tree line and am rewarded with a sweeping view of the Poconos, but going home would mean giving up the one thing I refuse to part with: Charlie </span><span style="color: red;">period. Nice paragraph.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Charlie is the reason I’m heading uptown today, to scavenge the dumpsters of high-end buildings. He has a long list of items that contain the parts he needs for the computer he is building. At the top of it is a power converter – a device he says will make the energy that comes out of our turbine safe for more than just lights. </span><span style="color: red;">Safe to power more than just lights? Maybe rework for clarity.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">The crowd flows around me, and I fight it like a salmon swimming upstream. </span><span style="color: red;">salmon upstream is a bit of a cliche. Find some other less used imagery?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Some people bump into<strike> to</strike> me like I’m not even there. I don’t blame the ones who give me a wide berth. Seventeen-year-old boys smell pretty foul when they only shower once a week, especially when the afternoons make it to the nineties and the humidity is high. My jeans are stained from my last excursion in a dumpster and my hoodie has more than one hole. I’m used to being avoided and ignored. </span><span style="color: red;">If he smells that bad I'm surprised anyone is bumping into him much less brushing against him. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #303030; font-family: "times new roman";"> I’m not used to being stared at. </span><span style="color: #303030; font-family: "times new roman";">A man in a loose, gray suit watches from a park bench, tracking my every move like a feral tomcat stalking a rat. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">I wish this had more voice. Also this city feels pretty generic. Can you give it more specific details?</span></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-17725658963225780292017-09-25T08:00:00.000-04:002017-09-25T08:00:21.924-04:00PitchWars Critique - THE STATUE SAYS SPRING<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">QUERY</span><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">When sixteen-year-old Inya’s parents divorce, the only way to save the mother she loves is to destroy the father who abandoned her. </span><span style="color: red;">This sentence is too vague to have any effect. How specifically does she save the mother she loves? How specifically does she destroy her father?</span></span><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">As next in line to rule her country, Inya Sorstrand is well schooled in secrets and intrigue. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Again, specifics are better. What sort of secrets and intrigue?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> But her plotting goes terribly wrong when she defies and humiliates her powerful father, Lord Orwen. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Still not specific enough. What plotting are you talking about? How does it go wrong? How does she defy and humiliate her father? It's the difference between: "I had the worst day ever today" and "My breakfast was burnt, my dog got hit by a car, I was late to school, forgot my homework, missed lunch, got dumped by my boyfriend, and cried so hard my eyes swelled closed." Which of those sentences gives you a better sense of that person's day?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> With his subjects rioting in the streets, he’s enraged by disloyalty at home and disinherits Inya for his mistress’s unborn child. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Okay, why are his subjects rioting in the street - is it related to Inya humiliating her father? Also the "for his" construct doesn't work for me. I had to read it twice. Maybe instead, "disinherits Inya with the intention of making his mistress's unborn child next in line to the throne.</span><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Banished to the slums with her equally defiant mother, Inya sheds her old identity and learns to survive the mean streets with help from a pack of misfits. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Would love to know more about these misfits... but okay as is.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> But when the riots turn violent, </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">riots already sort of implies violence. Maybe call them protests?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> the whole city is caught between rebel firebombs and Orwen’s tyrannical justice. With her mother, her new friends, and her own life threatened on every side, Inya must bring her father down and she has just the weapon to do it: the very secrets and intrigue she learned at his knee. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Again would be helpful to know what these secrets are. Also how does dad not see this coming?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> But using her secrets risks revealing her true identity and if her father doesn’t string her up for treason, the rebels, thirsty for privileged blood, just might do it for him.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Great final sentence - very clearly lays out what's at stake.</span><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">THE STATUE SAYS SPRING is an 82,000 YA historical fantasy set in an invented non-magical world (think Marie Rutkoski’s </span><i style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;">The Winner’s</i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">trilogy or Jennifer A. Nielsen’s </span><i style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;">The False Prince</i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">). </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Good comps! No bio paragraph?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">The pillory </span><span style="color: red;">not sure if this a word most peopel would be familiar with</span><span style="color: #222222;"> was always mobbed in the day. If Inya wanted to help Papa Gregor, she had to sneak off after curfew. Stopping only to collect her bag of supplies, </span><span style="color: red;">what supplies?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> coat, and eyeglasses, she tiptoed past her mother—asleep at last—down to the kitchen door, and out into the night.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;">The Brimmen sea wind was an icy slap to the face so she pulled her long, lank hair over her ears. </span><span style="color: red;">If it's windy wouldn't that just blow her hair around?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> It didn’t help. Why was it so cold tonight, of all nights? It was mid-September, but it felt like February, and Papa Gregor was in the pillory—his head and hands locked in a wooden frame—with only a thin shirt for warmth. He’d be frozen half to death and powerless even to scratch his nose.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;">“Ikshik,” Inya cursed as she scurried past the Basilica's blood-red gates. Maybe he was frozen to death. Her own hands were already numb. Cursing again, she blew on her tingling fingers, and sped up. Gregor Hansa had always been there for her and she loved him dearly, like a grandfather. He’d smuggled her salacious books, </span><span style="color: red;">not sure if salacious is the best word choice here. are these x-rated books we're talking about? I mean that's cool and open-minded, but doesn't exactly say grandfatherly</span><span style="color: #222222;"> taught her to ride boy-fashion, praised every accomplishment in her sixteen years of life. Inya knew he was innocent, she knew he’d never turn traitor. </span><span style="color: red;">Innocent of what specifically?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> By all rights, she should already be wrapping him in a blanket. But her mother had guessed she’d sneak out, and sat up in her room to stop her.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;">Passing the barracks, Inya slowed to a creep and hugged the shadows. Thunder rumbled, the clouds broke and rain fell hard, stinging skin and echoing off cobblestone. In the distance, the Basilica bell rang: clang, clang, clang, clang. <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_786048341" style="border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(204, 204, 204); position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Four o’clock</span></span>, later than she’d hoped. Then the bell rang once more. <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_786048342" style="border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(204, 204, 204); position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Five o’clock</span></span>! Ikshik! Curfew ended at six. She’d never find the courage to help Papa Gregor with an angry mob watching, not when they’d already stoned a poor woman to death for defending her pilloried husband. </span><span style="color: red;">Overall the writing here is good, although there are a few parts where I'd like a bit more detail.</span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-82414732277440747822017-09-20T22:25:00.000-04:002017-09-20T22:25:03.801-04:00PitchWars Critique - RED MOUNTAIN<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><br />
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<b>Query: </b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Red Mountain is a contemporary story that mixes Nez Perce Native American lore and history with the modern-day tradition of high school students painting letters on the sides of mountains found in small towns across the west. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Okay, this is an interesting start. I like this info, but wonder if you might work it into the query later on instead of leading with it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sixteen-year-old Leia Soot wants nothing more than to be invisible </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">comma</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> something she was able to do with ease in Seattle, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Clearly the invisible thing is not meant literally but I wasn't sure at first if this was paranormal or contemporary. Maybe a different word might work better?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> but impossible since moving to Salubria </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know where Seattle is but not Salubria, maybe give a state to help readers place it?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> — population five hundred. Of course, it doesn’t help that her grandfather runs around town half-naked raving about curses like a bad televangelist. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ha. Nice funny detail.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So when four out of the five founding families suffer the loss of a child from freak accidents, the spotlight points </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Maybe "falls on" instead of points?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to the one person predicting these deaths — Grandfather.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In order to vindicate her grandfather and save the town, she </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'd use her name here, just to remind us what it is.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> must partner with the next </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">potential </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">victim, her nemesis Isaac Stevens, who would rather serve her father an eviction notice than admit to his feelings for her. Leia races against the clock, unraveling the secrets behind the curse hidden within a secret treaty signed by the native people and the original settlers in 1872. Along the way, she discovers her true self and that laying down your life for another, even an enemy, isn’t as hard as watching those you love sacrifice themselves for you. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hmm... this last sentence is a little long and lacking in specifics so it starts to feel like word soup by the end. Maybe break it up and a bit and try to use some more specific details so it doesn't feel like greeting card platitudes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Red Mountain is a 65,000 word contemporary YA with speculative elements that could be described as Beautiful Creatures meets The Love That Split the World with a splash of Pride and Prejudice. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ok, I like this.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My short stories have been featured in Go Read Your Lunch, The Urban Liaison, and The Idaho Magazine. I am also a contributing member of the Idaho Writers Guild and SCBWI. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nice!</span></div>
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RED MOUNTAIN</div>
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YA Contemporary with speculative elements</div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">This wasn’t my real life. This was the place between. Or maybe the place forgotten. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">I like the voice in this opening.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">My dad said Salubria was a nice place to visit, not live. And yet my new postal address stated otherwise. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">Well her postal address doesn't say anything about how nice it is to live anywhere. I like what you're trying to do here, but I think you need to rework it so it makes a bit more sense.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">I slouched in the hard seat hiding behind an angry mullet,</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"> ringed with a sure tell sign the guy had showered and smashed his ball cap on low to his ears. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">love the specificity here but it sounds like the mullet is on her head. Just the addition of "guy with an angry mullet" would help clarify.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"> The scent of soap was a nice change to his usual sweat-mixed-with-alfalfa cologne. He slumped in </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">at would be better here. In makes it sound like he's sitting inside it - not behind</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"> his desk as low as his broad shoulders would let him as Dr. Camarillo droned on about the gold rush and its effect on the Idaho territories. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">Oh. She's at school. For some reason I assumed she was in a vehicle. Maybe make this more clear sooner.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">“March 4, 1863, the territory of Idaho was organized and incorporated into the United States.” Dr. Camarillo’s bald spot bobbed as he scrawled the date with a nub of white chalk.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">I tuned out the teacher as I wrote a few lines of a poem I’d been working on. Writing prose, especially poetry, had become a therapy of sorts, even if I sucked at it. I aced researching and composing school papers, back when I enjoyed attending class. School used to be important. When we lived in Seattle, I cared. I wondered when I would start to think of school as an important thing again. It was hard to be excited about the same classes I took in eighth grade. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">So the school here is way behind where it should be? But aren't there state standards? I think you're spending too much time saying the same thing in different ways (she doesn't like school but she used to before she moved) without giving us enough specific details of what school looks like here in her new town.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"> Dr. Camarillo, the school history teacher, and father to my friend Claire offered to create a college credit course based on the classroom material he taught during mandatory eleventh-grade history. I agreed, but the idea I was stuck here until I left for college seemed unfathomable. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">“With gold found in the new territories, settlers flooded to the west, squatting on the natives’ land designated by the treaty of 1855. The Cayuse, Umatilla, and Walla Walla Tribes gave up over 6.4 million acres in what is now northeastern Oregon and southeastern Washington.” Dr. Camarillo’s lecture reached a crescendo. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">This does not feel like a crescendo. It feels like a boring recitation of facts with no stories of specific people to enliven it or make it feel more real. For a first page this doesn't grab me as hard as I'd like it to. Overall, the voice here is a good but it could be a little sharper and more precise.</span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-37340471675938693822017-09-18T22:19:00.000-04:002017-09-18T22:19:02.967-04:00PitchWars Critique - THE CINDER KNIGHT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Dear ___________(insert agent name),</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;">Due to ___________ (insert reason for querying this specific agent), I thought you would be interested in my novel THE CINDER KNIGHT, a YA action-adventure retelling of Cinderella </span><span style="color: red;">I'd put a period here and then put the rest of this sentence on it's own, otherwise it gets a bit unwieldy. </span><span style="color: #222222;">wherein an abused servant boy seeks to earn his knighthood by accepting a mission offered to him by an undercover princess, </span><span style="color: red;">You could even put another period here, and make this next part it's own sentence, especially since reading it I wasn't immediately certain whose skills it was referring to. </span><span style="color: #222222;">whose skills with a blade are rivaled only by her skills of deception. A standalone novel with series potential complete at 80,000 words, THE CINDER KNIGHT will appeal to young adults of any gender </span><span style="color: red;">I'd cut the any gender bit, I know you're saying it will have universal appeal, but I think your comps are really good and you don't need to go further than that.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> who love</span><i style="color: #222222;"> </i><span style="color: #222222;">Meyer’s </span><i style="color: #222222;">The Lunar Chronicles, </i><span style="color: #222222;">Redwine’s </span><i style="color: #222222;">The Shadow Queen, </i><span style="color: #222222;">or the film </span><i style="color: #222222;">Stardust.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;">At eighteen, Elliot Cendrilon’s only hope of reprieve from a life of servitude to his abusive stepfather is secretly sparring in the Woodland Games to save enough winnings to buy his freedom. But after nearly three years undefeated—and with his prize now finally within reach—an armored newcomer arrives whose skills far exceed Elliot’s own. </span><span style="color: red;">This feels a little overly wordy in some places, but overall is good.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;">But </span><span style="color: red;">The sentence before this also started w but. I'd cut the but.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> this new adversary hides more than one secret beneath his helmet: not only is </span><i style="color: #222222;">he</i><span style="color: #222222;"> a </span><i style="color: #222222;">she</i><span style="color: #222222;">, but </span><i style="color: #222222;">she</i><span style="color: #222222;"> is the princess and the sole heir to the Mittelan throne. </span><span style="color: red;">I'd chop this into 2 or even 3 sentences. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;">Princess Chara has no interest in the Woodland Games or its prize. She entered the Games in search of a champion </span><span style="color: red;">Wait... she's entering the games to find a champion even though her skills are better than the guy who's won this thing for the past 3 years straight? Logic-wise this doesn't make sense to me. </span><span style="color: #222222;"> to help her win the war against Norrfalt, relieving her from the marriage alliance ordered upon her by the power-hungry Grand Duke. Taking on a false identity, Chara tricks Elliot into escorting her on her foolhearted </span><span style="color: red;">is this a word?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> quest,</span><span style="color: red;"> period.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> but when a lethal rebellion pits them against one another, the pair may never again cross swords as allies. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;">Unless they can join forces, Elliot’s last chance at freedom from a lifetime in service will be gone, Chara will become the new king’s powerless wife, and Mittelan will lose its independence forever. </span><span style="color: red;">Great! Very clear what's at stake here.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;">As a Creative Writing graduate from Valparaiso University, I have enjoyed time working in marketing as well as exploring writing fiction for young adults. I am currently a fiction and freelance writer in Eastern Tennessee. Thank you again for your time and consideration of my work. </span><span style="color: red;">Great bio to finish it up!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">THE CINDER KNIGHT</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CHAPTER ONE: THE SERVANT BOY</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">“Elliot! Get in here, boy! The fire is dying!” His voice pealed from the cottage window, cutting through the silent evening frost. </span><span style="color: red;">This feels a little overly wordy, which I noticed in your query as well. It's a problem I struggle with as well (I also like overly long sentences too - maybe that goes hand in hand with wordiness). I feel like the voice pealing, then also cutting through the silent (is frost ever not silent?) is just a bit over the top and feels like it's trying to hard.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> I was almost eighteen, yet my stepfather still called me </span><i style="color: #222222;">boy</i><span style="color: #222222;">. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">I had split enough wood to get us through the night, so I gathered the pieces into the fabric carrier and started towards the house. My hands were sticky with sap, but I wouldn’t bother trying to scrub it off when I'd be out chopping again at first light.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">“What does it even matter?” Raymond whined to his father as I hauled the heavy load across the undecorated </span><span style="color: red;">feels odd to mention this - how should it be decorated?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> living room and dumped it into the broken Almorian trunk we used as a wood box. “We stand no chance of conscription. Let the commoners kill one another off. Our countries will only be stronger for it.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">“You fool,” Silas snipped, “under Norrfalt rule, we have no guarantee we would retain our business, our exemptions, or even our title. Would you like a job as a scullery maid? Or to be conscripted and sent to the front lines like the other boys your age?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Lucas, Silas’ younger son, didn’t weigh in on his father and brother’s conversation. Nor did I. I knew better than to speak up when it came to matters of politics. Or any matter, really. If I wanted to keep away from the end of Silas’s belt, I listened and remained silent. But even that wasn’t always enough. The web of scars on my back proved that.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Instead, I focused on building the fire while Silas continued lecturing his sons on the border war as they retired from the sitting room to their bedrooms upstairs. I followed them up with an armful of firewood. I tended to the fire in the bedroom that my stepbrothers shared as both boys lounged in their beds, pretending I did not exist. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Overall, the writing here is good. I would attempt to vary the lengths of your sentences a bit more. Mostly, for me, this lacks the kind of voice that I want in first person to immediately pull me in. I don't get much of a sense how your MC feels about all that's going on around him. Is he resigned? Too tired to care? Burning angry beneath the actions he's carrying out? Also, while it makes sense for Cinderella to stay on as a maid in her family's home, it makes less sense for a boy who has more options in the world and more freedom to strike out on his own. I can't help but wonder why he's there putting up with that at 18 or why he'd worry about his stepfather's belt when he's strong enough to split and carry wood and could probably take his stepfather in a fight. These questions may get answered as the story goes on, but you need to get to them quickly if they are already bothering me on page one. If readers don't buy into the world of the story they may not get past that first page.</span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-46531513791552534852017-09-13T08:00:00.000-04:002017-09-14T23:15:27.232-04:00PitchWars Critique - SCARLET'S MOON<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">Word count 55,601 </span><span style="color: red;">Okay, so while it is nice to have this information at the top, it's better to include it as part of a sentence. For example: SCARLET'S MOON, a young adult supernatural novel, is complete at 55,000 words.</span></span><br style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Little Red Riding Hood is all grown up and hungry for blood in this smart and sassy retelling with vampires. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Okay, I like the retelling and that you've mixed vampires in. But I think we need just a little bit more here. Is she herself a vampire. Always be as specific as possible.</span><br style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">What if there was more to the story of Little Red Riding Hood than anyone knew? What if the wolf was not a random attack, but carefully planned? </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Generally speaking hypothetical questions are a big no-no in queries. </span><br style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Scarlet Ryder faces danger, intrigue and her own past in Scarlet's Moon, the first in the Blood-Cloak series. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">I'd cut this entire sentence. It's too vague.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> As a young child, Scarlet's family was killed, leaving her an orphan in Victorian England. A week before her 21st birthday, </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">WOH! 21 is too old for YA! Can you age her down? 17. Even 18 would probably be okay.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> Scarlet learns a deep and frightening secret about her family that sets her on the path to her destiny as a vampire queen. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">You need to tell us the secret or not mention it. This is not the time to be coy.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> The last thing the werewolves want is Scarlet alive to bring order to the chaos of the vampire clans. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Huh? Where are these werewolves suddenly coming from?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> Scarlet finds herself drawn into the hidden world of vampires, espionage, murder, and the ancient war between the vampires and werewolves. On top of it all, Scarlet is juggling new romances and her adoptive father is hot on the trail of Jack the Ripper, adding to her fear and uncertainty. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Okay, this is all over the place. You mention Scarlet becoming a vampire queen, then a war with werewolves, and then a romance and adoptive father and Jack the Ripper. What you don't mention is how all of this ties together.</span><br style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Supernatural suspense, mystery, romance, and a little historical fiction await in this fractured fairy tale re-imagined. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">No. Pick a genre. Were would this fit on the shelf. I'd say historical fantasy. Or fairy-tale retelling.</span><br style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Ashley L. Hunt has been published in eight anthologies, including Forgotten Places, Devil's Armory, Barbarian Crowns, For The Love of Leelah, JEApers Creepers, </span><em style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue", helvetica, arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Caleuche Chronicles,</em><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> 13 Bites Vol. III, and Plan 559 From Outer Space Mk. II. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Good bio!</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> </span><br style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; white-space: normal;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">The complete manuscript is available upon request; the first chapter is enclosed to be read at your leisure. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;">Not sure about the "read at your leisure" thing - agents are not reading at their leisure - it's their job. This comes off a little snotty, although I don't think that's your intention.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: normal;"> Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.</span></span></div>
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<pre class="m_-2988862768297078163m_-5305193371971856516ydp27b5c2c5western" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Chapter 1. The Road to Grandmother's House
Dead leaves scrambled over the old forest road, scraping across the hard dirt like fingernails desperate to escape from a coffin. </span><span style="color: red;">This first sentence seems to be trying too hard. I'd pick either the scrambling over the forest road bit or the fingernails across the coffin, but both feels like too much.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Young Scarlet Ryder skipped among those leaves, stomping on the strays and kicking her sturdy boots through the piles where they gathered. The bold eight year old girl had lived in the small village near the woods all her life. Despite the whispers of her neighbors and the tales from the other children, she had never been afraid of the shortcut to the town on the other side. She enjoyed traversing the old wood road alone. </span><span style="color: red;">Good character introduction. Has fairy tale feel, but is distant - doesn't make me really care about Scarlet.</span><span style="color: #222222;">
On that particular autumn day, Scarlet was on a quest of significant importance. A quest that would change her entire life forever. She had been charged to deliver a basket of honey cakes to her grandmother. </span><span style="color: red;">But is it really that important to deliver honey cakes?</span><span style="color: #222222;">
"Scarlet, Listen to me. This is important,” her mother insisted as she tied the girl’s red wool hood, "Go directly to your grandmothers and under no circumstances are you to go anywhere else. Stay on the path. "
"I shan't mother. I know the way," Scarlet promised, "I won't leave the path. " </span><span style="color: red;">I feel like if you are doing a retelling of a fairy tale you really need to do quite a bit of remixing and reimagining to make it feel fresh and new. This feels like it hews just a bit too closely to the original.</span><span style="color: #222222;">
And she didn't... until she found the flowers. Small white, vibrant flowers like the ones her grandmother loved dearly, the flowers Grandmother always gathered. There was a small clump growing just off the path. Without the slightest hesitation, Scarlet stepped into the still green grass and gathered great handfuls <strike>of these white flowers</strike>. </span><span style="color: red;">Just a way to eliminate wordiness.</span><span style="color: #222222;">
"Well, well, well, little one. What brings such a small child into the wood alone?" an unfamiliar voice queried. Scarlet shot straight up looking for the source of this question.
A man was standing a stone’s throw away, leaning by a tree. He had broad shoulders and flaming eyes. Eyes like a wolf... dark, menacing, and ravenous. The unknown man circled Scarlet. Curiously, he never came within the ring of flowers Rather he edged around patch closely. His gleaming teeth brought a shiver to Scarlet's spine. Yet his smile remained friendly.
Instinctively, Scarlet retreated into the middle of the flower patch. The stranger’s menacing eyes shone darkly in the artificial twilight beneath the trees. Their eyes locked. An eerie stillness fell over the forest. Time seemed to stop, and all Scarlet could hear was her own breath. The distant cry of a bird broke the spell and Scarlet bolted, her feet flying for the road that now seemed miles away. Hard, pounding footfalls told the young girl she was pursued. Wide-eyed and panting, Scarlet ran down the road, too afraid to look back. Cloak billowing out behind her, lungs burning, and her poor little legs begging for a rest, Scarlet saw the most welcome sight she could imagine: Grandmother’s house at the end of town. With an extra burst of speed born of desperation, Scarlet flew to the wooden house. She ran through the heavy door, thumping it closed behind her, locking the scary man outside. Only to find
herself in a much more horrific scenario. </span><span style="color: red;">Nice action here. It definitely picks up nicely!</span><span style="color: #222222;">
In the waking world, a door slammed two floors below, jarring twenty year old Scarlet awake. She pushed aside her delicate white curtains and looked out the dark window to the muddy, cobble stoned streets of London. </span><span style="color: red;">And nice cut from past Scarlet to present Scarlet. </span></span></pre>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-51200011600274674622017-09-11T08:00:00.000-04:002017-09-11T08:00:06.091-04:00PitchWars Critique - CHAOS: AFTER MONSTERS, BEFORE HEROES<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Dear mentor,<br /><br />For years, Lesa has spoken with no one but her violent father. <span style="color: red;">Okay, this is interesting but I think it needs more. First her age. As simple as: For years, sixteen year old Lesa has spoken... My other problem is that it seems impossible that she's spoken with no one else and I think you need to fill in a bit more details bc this is an odd situation. Do they live in the middle of nowhere? Does he forbid her from leaving the house? Does she leave the house but stay on mute unless she's speaking to her father? Be more specific. </span>Every day, he reiterates that she must never leave him. Lesa knows her father’s temper is driven by loneliness and fears <span style="color: red;">comma here</span> her own loneliness will make her just like him. Violent, smothering, and unloved. <span style="color: red;">Okay, you could cut some of this and instead focus on the questions I mentioned above. Simply, "Lesa fears she will become like her father: violent, smothering, and unloved."</span><br /><br />Then, at seventeen, Lesa becomes an “Outcast,” one of hundreds of people to spontaneously acquire a superpower. Lesa renames herself Chaos, hoping to distance herself from her father. But it isn’t long until Chaos accidentally kills a man with her new power. <span style="color: red;">WOAH! I feel like you skipped a lot of details here! So suddenly she's talking to other people, I assume? And what specifically is her superpower - I feel like that's a really important detail that you just skip over. And HOW does she accidentally kill a man?</span><br /><br />Chaos believes her only chance at redemption is to find her mother, who left years ago. If Chaos can convince her mother to love her, then she won’t be lonely like her father anymore. But traveling is dangerous. Outcasts are hated by the public, hunted down by researchers, and easy to identify on sight. To go means risking <strike>of </strike>capture and life-long experimentation. <span style="color: red;">I know what you mean by life-long experimentation but it reads here as if she will be forced to do the experiments, not be the subject of them.</span> Not to go means having no way to prove she isn’t a monster. <span style="color: red;">Hmm... I'm not really grabbed by this dilemma, probably because I am not sold on the whole "finding her mother will bring redemption" plot point. </span><br /><br />CHAOS: AFTER MONSTERS, BEFORE HEROES is a YA speculative fiction novel with 75,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Marie Lu’s The Young Elites and fans of X-Men. <span style="color: red;">Good although Young Elites kinda is like X-Men already... I wonder if another comp might work better.</span><br /><br />I hold a BA in writing and have short fiction published in Literary Orphans and Strangelet journal. Thank you for your time and consideration. <span style="color: red;">Nice!</span><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;">First Page</span></span></div>
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<div class="m_-6317216838034958246m_-2444249229452534137MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="background-color: white; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">The girl touched her head to the chair's high back and hissed when the icy metal touched a bit of bare scalp. Her skin was raw where she'd torn out some of her hair that morning. The girl glanced past the concrete walls to the bleary orange ground lights that lit her feet. Seeing the lights, she tried to imagine the sun. She'd only ever seen its halo behind tall black buildings. <span style="color: red;">Okay, I feel like you are throwing a lot of details but I can't quite see where this girl is. I also feel like you could linger a bit more on the detail about the raw scalp and how that happened. Overall, I'm not sure this is a first paragraph that would really grab me. There's good specific details but it hops around so much I can't really focus on one thing. Also, "the girl" feels so distant. Is there a reason not to name her? </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">A guard came in through the door. He observed the girl without speaking. Yet, she heard his voice: <i>At least she isn't trying to gouge out her own eyes. </i>The words matched the whispery chatter that had fogged her mind since it happened. She squeezed her eyes shut, felt her irises humming against her eyelids. <span style="color: red;">This last sentence is really nice!</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">The guard stuck a cigarette between his lips and flicked his lighter three times before the flame sprung. The smell of gas livened the air. He retrieved a clipboard from the wall. The girl heard his unspoken voice again as he estimated her height and weight and age. Then, the guard peered down to write, <span style="color: red;">is she watching him - can she see him? Can we get some mental picture of what he looks like?</span> and a picture showed in the girl's mind of herself as the guard had seen her. She had the look of someone small. Her hair was scraggly, ripped. The colors in her irises swirled: purple and pink flecked with gold. <span style="color: red;">This feels like a cheat - her seeing how she looks through his eyes. Almost like a character looking in mirror on first page which is generally a cliche and thus a no-no.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">The girl snapped her face away. She didn't like the look of herself, how he saw her. But the picture showed in her mind whether she looked at him or not. She tried to adjust her expression. Yet no matter how she widened or narrowed her eyes, the guard saw a girl who wanted to kill him and couldn't. <span style="color: red;">Why does he think she wants to kill him?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;">But that wasn't what she wanted. It wasn't. It wasn't.</span><span style="font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 32px;"><u></u><u></u></span></span></div>
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<div class="m_-6317216838034958246m_-2444249229452534137MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="background-color: white; font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 32px;"><span style="font-size: large;">"What's your name?" the guard asked. His voice echoed aloud, startling her. When she didn't answer, the guard approached and kicked her chair over. Her head struck the floor. The pain was hot and sudden and turned the voices in her mind into woozy murmurs. Then, the guard kneeled so close that his voice--his thoughts--screeched like a mechanical bird. <span style="color: red;">I think you need to be more firmly in the girl's POV. Even though it's not first person, we are still experiencing the story through her eyes in this bit here, but there are points where it seems to be swing toward the guard. Let us into her head a bit more and even more importantly - her feelings! Is she scared? Desperate? Numb? Otherwise, I think the pacing is good and overall you chose a good place to start you story.</span></span></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-83485720113946258852017-09-06T08:00:00.000-04:002017-09-06T08:00:25.034-04:00PitchWars Critique - AETHERIAN<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dear Kate,</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #222222;">Genna Burnstaff is good at </span><span style="color: red;">being </span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;">tough</span><span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic; margin: 0px;">.</span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;"> </span><span style="color: red; margin: 0px !important;">I think you're going for a voice thing here, but with it being the first sentence of the query it just reads as a mistake.</span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;"> She's survived four older brothers and being the weird kid with grandparents for parents. She can take a soccer ball to the face and come back fighting. She doesn't scare easy – but she's scared of whatever is causing her dreams. </span><span style="color: red; margin: 0px !important;">Okay, I think this is a good set-up, but it could be a lot tighter. First I'd get rid of that first sentence. Maybe start instead with: Genna Burnstaff has survived four older brothers who {insert specific horrifying and hilarious detail here}. She's made it through being the weird kid at {insert specific occasion here} with {specific detail here about grandparents - gray haired, stoop backed, hard of hearing} grandparents for parents. She can even take a soccer back to the face and come back fighting. In short, she doesn't scare easy and she certainly isn't afraid of a couple bad dreams. Except... she kinda is.</span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #222222;">It starts with Hal, showing up after years of absentee fatherhood, planning to move her up to New York with him and his new bride. </span><span style="color: red;">Okay, I think you need to tie the dreams in since that's where you left us in the last paragraph. Something like: The dreams begin when her absentee father, Hal, shows up with his new bride and insists on relocating Ginna to New York.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Hal </span><span style="color: red;">maybe something about how he's a stranger to her? Or something more specific about why she can't handle him?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> and the snobby private school he sends her to are more than she wants to handle. But </span><span style="color: red;">And instead of but might work better here.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> then there's Thera. She can't call NYC another world, anymore, because Thera actually is one. </span><span style="color: red;">Okay, this whole Thera transition is NOT working for me. I would not put it in this paragraph but try to work it in below when you talk about the dreams.</span></span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #222222;">After Genna begins experiencing traumatic episodes that leave her physically damaged </span><span style="color: red;">What exactly does physically damaged mean? Be more specific - let me see and imagine the damage? Is she black and blue? Does she have broken bones? Bleeding? Missing eyes?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> and screaming in her sleep</span><span style="color: #222222;">, her brothers reluctantly explain the family trait: a pull to another world that she can neither resist nor control. </span><span style="color: red;">A pull to another world is not a family trait. I'd reword this.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Submerged in </span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;">new</span><span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic; margin: 0px;"> </span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;">and different </span><span style="color: red; margin: 0px !important;">world? Missing word here?</span><span style="color: #222222;">, Genna finds herself in a war to hold on to the girl in the mirror and to survive the unwanted gifts in her blood. </span><span style="color: red;">This last bit is mush. What does it mean to hold onto the girl in the mirror? What are the unwanted gifts in her blood and what specifically must she survive? I honestly feel like you wasted way too much time in the first paragraph and then rushed this one which really feels like the meat of your plot. </span></span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #222222;">AETHERIAN is a blend of epic and contemporary fantasy, intended for a YA audience. It is complete at 116,000 words. </span><span style="color: red;">It would appeal to fans of {insert title of similar YA book published within last five years} and {insert title of another similar YA book}</span></span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a first-time novelist with an English degree, a couple of Philosophy degrees and a CV full of disreputable jobs (like 'bookseller' and 'writing consultant') to my name.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank you for your time and consideration.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">I didn't want to look in the book. Waking up was bad enough without that. </span><span style="color: red;">This doesn't grab me. I don't know what book she is talking about much less why she doesn't want to look. I don't know why waking up is bad. I'd cut.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> The </span><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_786048339" style="border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(204, 204, 204); color: #222222; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">7:00 am</span></span><span style="color: #222222;"> sunlight was weak and gray and yet somehow still too much for my sleep-starved eyes. I leaned on the vanity table – one of Granna's landmarks </span><span style="color: red;">I don't know if this is the best word here</span><span style="color: #222222;"> that this room was </span><span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic; margin: 0px;">female</span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;"> territory – and took in the damage. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;">My eyes were so red-rimmed and dark-shadowed that their odd gray-brown color looked just brown. That felt like a robbery. My weird eyes were my favorite. I glanced up reflexively at the picture in the corner of the mirror. The lovely face laughed back at me, elegant in the artistic black-and-white shot. Apparently I got my eyes from her. </span><span style="color: red; margin: 0px !important;">A main character looking in a mirror as a way to describe him or herself is a cliche that it's better to avoid. Is the color of the MC's eyes really something you want on the first page? Is this the thing that grabs a reader and makes them want to keep reading?</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> Not that I would know. That picture was all I'd ever seen of my dead mother. </span><span style="color: red;">This is good stuff! Tell me more about this!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> My gaze wandered down to the little brown Moleskine book on the cluttered surface in front of me. It wasn't one of the pretty diaries Granna bought for me. The things I wrote didn't seem to belong in one of those. It was plain and battered and ordinary, which felt right. </span><span style="color: red;">You have to tell me more. I'm just not getting enough detail to draw me into the world of the story.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> I didn't want to look. </span><span style="color: red;">Look at what? The moleskin book? </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="margin: 0px !important;"><span style="color: #222222;"> So I got dressed, reminding myself that Blake the Genius had brought Jonathan White home from football practice last night, on top of everybody else. </span><span style="color: red;">What does this mean, "On top of everybody else"? Physically on top? Or in addition to all the other people Blake brought home? Also who is Blake and who is Jonathan?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> With all the brothers mysteriously </span><span style="color: red;">mysterious how?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> home this weekend, that meant Jon would be sleeping on the couch </span><span style="color: red;">why? does he not have a room? Where is he home from?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> and </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic; margin: 0px;">that</span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;"> meant I wasn't about to wander out there in my PJ's. My dark-coppery hair – too dark for red, too red for brown </span><span style="color: red; margin: 0px !important;">again, the color of her hair - like her eyes - is not something that makes me think "wow tell me more"</span><span style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;"> – was tangled and impossible, so I wrangled it into a ponytail and hoped for the best. My too-pale skin already looked sickly with the early morning and interrupted sleep, so it wasn't like I was going to be winning any awards today anyway. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"> I glanced at the clock – <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_786048340" style="border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(204, 204, 204); position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">7:15</span></span>. I didn't have long. Closing my eyes I took a single even breath. When I listened I could already hear Granna creating masterpieces in the kitchen.</span></span></div>
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<span style="margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"> My eyes turned back to the brown book. I didn't want to open it. I didn't – but I couldn't not look. It had been happening too much lately. I needed to see if there were more words.</span></span></div>
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<span style="margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"> I flipped it open quickly, like ripping a Band-Aid, and glanced through the pages, looking for new scribbles. My stomach sank. The page I'd numbered 43 had been blank yesterday. Today it wasn't.</span></span></div>
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<span style="margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="margin: 0px !important;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic; margin: 0px !important;">He warned me – I knew – God help me, I knew. But I loved him. And now . . . such a burden of blood. I pray you can forgive me.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="margin-bottom: 0px !important; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0px !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="margin: 0px !important;"> I squeezed my eyes shut. Dammit. Like that wasn't cryptic or melodramatic or anything. Who the crap writes that? My breath wasn't steady. </span><span style="font-style: italic; margin: 0px !important;">I</span><span style="margin: 0px !important;"> did, was the answer. </span><span style="font-style: italic; margin: 0px !important;">I</span><span style="margin: 0px !important;"> wrote that crap. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px 0cm; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> Not that I ever remembered it. But the leaky pen I intentionally kept next to the book had left its telltale smear on my middle finger, so it had to be me. My fists clenched and unclenched instinctively. </span><span style="color: red;">Okay, this is interesting. She's writing something at night and it's creepy and she doesn't remember doing it. But you spend the whole page teasing this reveal - but you don't give enough details or hints to draw me in. And why tease anyway? This is the good stuff. Lead with it. Have her fling back the covers and immediately go to the book. </span></span></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-59823356507823213632017-09-04T08:00:00.000-04:002017-09-04T08:00:03.934-04:00PitchWars Critique - ETERNITY THEN<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLiq5_jRpnWFftQv3uMIPzwrSOrR-KqDphSSofs0VyrKhjQTQn-In0_FbXPWIBap4FMJckF_dinebQcI5SGKZQ9dRPTgiQD1VGj9S0247uLKDrhwXTo1cy-5cVIYp5Z4dvhudfvMY7e4I/s1600/pitch-wars-cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="676" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLiq5_jRpnWFftQv3uMIPzwrSOrR-KqDphSSofs0VyrKhjQTQn-In0_FbXPWIBap4FMJckF_dinebQcI5SGKZQ9dRPTgiQD1VGj9S0247uLKDrhwXTo1cy-5cVIYp5Z4dvhudfvMY7e4I/s400/pitch-wars-cover.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about </span><a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7d181e; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">Dear Ms. Whatsit,</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Boston, 1913, is rife with ghosts, and fifteen-year-old Tessa Ward is one of them. </span><span style="color: red;">Great first sentence!</span><span style="color: #222222;"> After she and her brother Jack are killed in a car accident in 2005, they are catapulted back in time to spend their afterlives in the Progressive Era. </span><span style="color: red;">Hmm... okay, I feel like there needs to be some reason for this. It feels really random and makes me worry that the worldbuilding will not make sense.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Death isn’t always the bummer that Tessa thought it would be, </span><span style="color: red;">How is death not a bummer, specifically?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> but she’s convinced that 1913 isn’t her final resting place. </span><span style="color: red;">Why?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> She makes it her mission to find out what comes next and take her afterlife into her own hands. </span><span style="color: red;">Specifically how?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">At seventeen, Sylvia Howland develops the ability to speak to the dead. She befriends Tessa, who pushes her to break the norms of her native time: kiss a boy first, “haunt” a house, and say what's on her mind. </span><span style="color: red;">I feel like "say what's on her mind" feels a bit anti-climatic after the house "haunting a house" thing, which honestly feels like something that would also break norms today.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Her new friendship provides a welcome distraction from strife at home </span><span style="color: red;">what sort of strife?</span><span style="color: #222222;">, but Sylvia is soon plagued by frightening hallucinations and psychic powers she cannot control. </span><span style="color: red;">What specifically happens here?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Afraid her family will have her institutionalized if she comes clean, </span><span style="color: red;">comes clean about what? the powers or hallucinations?</span><span style="color: #222222;"> Sylvia keeps her new abilities to herself even as they threaten her sanity. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">United by circumstance, Sylvia and Tessa push each other’s buttons and push each other forward. But as they grow closer, Tessa’s relationship with her brother deteriorates. Dissatisfied with his ghostly existence, Jack finds a way to get his life back, but it means taking someone else’s. Tessa doesn’t want to lose her brother, the only connection to her old life, but </span><span style="color: red;">instead of but feels like this should be "and she is also unnerved..."</span><span style="color: #222222;"> she is unnerved by the dark implications of murder. She turns to Sylvia, and the two work together to find a way to stop Jack through supernatural means. Sylvia is determined to help her friend, but while uncontrolled, her mystical powers threaten all three of their souls. </span><span style="color: red;">Threaten all three souls how specifically? What is at stake? If it all goes wrong they'll end up in hell?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="m_8783747337027152474m_-2005048399191026548gmail-kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ETERNITY THEN is a 89,000-word young adult historical fantasy with a potential for sequels </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I would either say "a sequel" or "series potential" if your intention is to have more than two</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I have a master’s degree in publishing and writing from Emerson College, and I currently work as an assistant editor for </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">American Art Collector </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">American Fine Art Magazine</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">Thank you for your time and consideration.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";">Tessa never thought there would be fog. Not that she spent a whole lot of time contemplating it, but fog seemed like a cliché. It was an all-consuming, impenetrable miasma, and she was completely alone. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">I don't think this is a strong beginning. I don't know who Tessa is or where she is. All I know is that there's fog and it's unexpected, which is frankly not all that interesting.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">She and her older brother Jack had been driving back from their dad’s in the suburbs on a clear, cold-for-April day, and then </span><i style="color: #222222;">bam! </i><span style="color: #222222;">Fog. </span><span style="color: red;">I think you should slow down here and let the story breath a little more. It feels like you want to rush into the action but it'd be better to set the scene. I like the driving back from dad's and cold for April day. Give me more. Is the radio on? Are they chatting? Arguing? Is the car nice or a beater? Is the traffic heavy or light?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";">The car had disappeared completely. No longer strapped into the passenger seat, Tessa stood, isolated by the gray. She groped around in the nothingness, hoping to get a sense of where she was, but the thick haze didn’t abate. “Jack!” she yelled. Her voice didn’t sound like her own. It was muffled and warbling, like she had yelled from underwater, only bubbles coming out. She tried again, “Jack! Jack, where are you?” This time, the sound came out a little more…solid. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">I want to get a little closer to Tessa - even w third person you can let the reader into her head and how she's feeling. Is she shaking? Does her stomach hurt? Does she feel panicked?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";">But there was still no Jack. Just fog.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";">She tried to steady herself and ran through the circumstances in her mind. They were merging onto the highway and an eighteen-wheeler in front of them had lost control, spinning out. It hit the passenger’s side of the car first. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">Woh! This is a pivotal moment. Again, slow down, really bring us into the moment.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";"> There was no way she had survived. </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">How does she immediately know this?</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";"> But maybe Jack had.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";">She gave it one more shot, screeching his name into the void. “Jack!”</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";">And then, he came barreling out of nowhere. Literally. He hadn’t been anywhere one second and then the next he was right there, grasping her arms so tight that it should have hurt, but it didn’t.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman";">“Tess.” There were tears in his wild, desperate eyes and streaming down his face. “Tessa, I’m so sorry,” he said, burying his face in her shoulder. “It was all my fault.” </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman";">The brother reads as really young here. Again, it'd be nice to have a sense of who he is before this so we know if this is totally out of character for him or not.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">Tessa didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t even bring herself to return the embrace. She just hung there in his arms while he sobbed against her. “I wonder who will tell Mom and Dad,” she said finally. </span><span style="color: red;">I like this bit. Would be nice to have her imagine the scene.</span></span></span><br />
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-42954441043381948122017-08-30T08:00:00.000-04:002017-08-30T08:00:12.613-04:00PitchWars Critique - THE POWER OF DANIEL MURPHY<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about <a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="color: #7d181e;" target="_blank">here</a>. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Dear Pitch Wars Mentor,<br /><br />All that high school freshman Daniel Murphy wants is to be normal, but normal seems impossible—he looks nothing like the rest of his family, and he’s the class bully’s biggest target. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">I'd consider breaking this up into a few sentences. Maybe after impossible put a period.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> On your </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">your feels weird here. His? Or Everyone gets a superpower on their</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> fifteenth birthday, you get a superpower; </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Again, I'd suggest a period here.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Daniel hopes his will make him amazing </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">could you be more specific? give us an idea of the superpowers handed out and which ones specifically he'd like to give and/or avoid?</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, but inexplicably, he gets no power at all, so it’s off to Kimberly’s School for Weakly Gifted Children. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Paragraph break here maybe? </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Before he goes there, his high school librarian gives him a secret book </span><span style="background-color: yellow; color: #222222;">with a map to follow to get to The Doctor</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">this chunk feels unnecessarily wordy. Maybe just "a secret book that will help lead him to The Doctor</span><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;"> the only person who can give him a power. </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">A few days at Kimberly’s school prove that he’s not going to get a power there, so just as the school dean’s about to get what he needs from Daniel to bring his dead son back—which may be what the dean had in mind all along when he admitted Daniel to the school—Daniel escapes with his only two friends. </span></span><span style="color: red;">Woh! Say what now? Is the School supposed to help get kids their powers? And why does the Dean think Daniel can bring his son back from the dead? </span><br /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Daniel needs to find The Doctor to get a power and thus become normal, and he’s got his friends with him. Colin is a tree that can’t speak but can run and make food, and Lenore is a telepath. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Okay, maybe introduce the friends before you get into the thing w the Dean and running away.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> The map in that book will guide their cross-country trip. </span><span style="background-color: yellow; color: #222222;">But the dean needed Daniel’s help to bring back his dead son, Marcus,</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">You already said this already in the above paragraph. You don't have a lot of space in a query - don't use some of it up repeating yourself! Also I still don't understand how Daniel can help bring back Marcus.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> and even though the dean and his parents thinks powers are undignified and shouldn't be used, they enlist a man made of dirt, a woman with fatal hands, and a 30-man strike team to try to make sure a few lowly teenagers don’t ruin their best chance to be a family again. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Who's chance to be a family again? Daniel's parents and the Dean?</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> Those plans will be ruined if Daniel gets a power and Marcus isn’t involved. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">I don't understand what the plans are or how they would be ruined and why Marcus needs to be involved with Daniel getting a superpower. Also this paragraph makes this story feel like it's more about the Dean and Daniel's parents and what's at stake for them, then about Daniel and what's at stake for him. </span><br /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I am a copy editor and have worked for two of the largest newspaper publishers in the country. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">You don't want to specifically name them?</span><br /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">THE POWER OF DANIEL MURPHY is a 103,000-word YA sci-fi novel. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Some comps would be nice here. ie: It would appeal to fans of X and Y. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><br /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">First page:<br /><br />The red marquee lights above the power booth flashed <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_786048335" style="border-bottom: 1px dashed rgb(204, 204, 204); position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">1:00</span></span> faintly in his goggles. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">1AM? Or PM? I wonder if this sentence might have more punch with a POV inserted? ie: Daniel squinted at the flashing marquee lights...</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #333333;">“One minute,” Daniel said intensely into his word-muffling mask </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">He's wearing goggles that also cover his mouth? I'm having trouble picturing this</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">. But the sound that escaped it died in the soundproof plastic booth <strike>he was sitting in</strike>. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><br />“Fifty-seven seconds,” he said, watching them tick down. “Maybe I’ll get the power of flight, and it’ll be so strong that I break these straps and fly out of this disgusting seat.”<br /><br />His cells buzzed with the energy of that genetic trigger. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">What genetic trigger?</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> Something big was about to happen.<br /><br />Fifty seconds.<br /><br />“I’m going to be so amazing,” he resolved. “Everyone will beg me to help them.”<br /><br />He’d been waiting for this since he could remember. And after today, nobody--not even Marie Tyler--would ever mess with him again.<br /><br />“What is taking so long?” he yelled. Forty more agonizing seconds until he became amazing--and until he could again breathe normal air, not the stale, nasty stuff in that decrepit mask. The whole sweaty, beat-up power protection setup--from the mask to the boots--would come off and he'd have the power to shoot firebolts, or teleport, or do some other phenomenal thing.<br /><br /><br />“Generations ago, under threat of imminent attack, our ancestors were afraid. Would weapons be enough? What more could we do to protect ourselves?<br /><br />The best minds of the day gathered and called for an era of superheroes--of making every human being a scientific marvel. And so it began.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Are these last two paragraphs meant to be a flashback or a manual or something like that? It isn't clear. The concept is interesting though. I also like that you're starting the story with Daniel getting his change - right in the middle of the action. The voice, however, feels a little immature to me. More middle grade than young adult. Depending on what happens in the story, you might want to consider aging your MC down a few years.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #333333;">-----</span></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-28679620255612231692017-08-28T08:00:00.000-04:002017-08-28T08:00:07.986-04:00PitchWars Critique - THE RED THREAD OF FATE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 13px;">I LOVE being a mentor for PitchWars. BUT there is one bad part - having to choose just one manuscript to mentor when there are so many with so much potential. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And so, wanting to give something back to those who chose Mindy McGinnis and myself as one of the mentor teams to submit to, we decided to offer first page and query critiques on our blogs</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">. Our decision to do this via our blogs, rather than a private email, is so that (hopefully!) everyone can learn a little bit from this feedback. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">And for anyone out there looking for personalized feedback, I also offer manuscript critique services which you can find more out about <a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">here</a>. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Dear Mentor,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Seventeen-year-old Juniper Knox is no stranger to visions. After all, she’s descended from a long line of ancient Seers. </span><span style="color: red;">Yeah, but having ancestors who are seers means that THEY'RE no strangers to visions - it doesn't mean that she knows anything abou them.</span><span style="color: black;"> But unlike her ancestors, June’s not going to sit idly by while her loved ones are in danger or when adventure awaits. </span><span style="color: red;">This is too vague. What danger are you specifically talking about? What adventure are you specifically talking about? I'd cut this line.</span><span style="color: black;"> And there’s a whole lot of adventure waiting when June accidentally conjures the ghost of a girl with an identical birthmark to hers. </span><span style="color: red;">Okay, I like this about conjuring the ghost... but why is the identical birthmark important? </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">I put a paragraph break in here. </span><span style="color: black;">Having a ghost tagging along for the ride </span><span style="color: red;">for what ride?</span><span style="color: black;"> is bad enough, but when that ghost and June’s actions </span><span style="color: red;">what actions?</span><span style="color: black;"> attract the attention of the Fates, </span><span style="color: red;">and they are???</span><span style="color: black;"> things get really complicated. Now June has one chance to save everyone she loves </span><span style="color: red;">save them from what specifically?</span><span style="color: black;">: find the Fates’ missing tools</span><span style="color: black;">, the rod, the spool and the scissors </span><span style="color: red;">why are these important? did June loose them? Why does she have to find them?</span><span style="color: black;">. If June fails, the Fates will raise the dead </span><span style="color: red;">comma</span><span style="color: black;"> disrupting the balance of life and death </span><span style="color: red;">okay but what does disrupting the balance of life and death mean to June specifically? And to those she loves? Does raising the dead mean there are zombies walking around? What specifically is happening here?</span><span style="color: black;">. But if she succeeds, she might finally prove she is the hero of her story. </span><span style="color: red;">Who said she wasn't the hero of her story? If you're going to end with this line then you need to set it up at the beginning that Juniper is a loser or someone afraid to rock the boat or that she's always the person tagging along and never the hero. Otherwise this sort of comes out of nowhere. Is this book really about Juniper proving she's the hero of her story? Or is there something else at stake here?</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">THE RED THREAD OF FATE is a standalone YA fantasy complete at 95,000 words with series potential. This novel will appeal to fans of Tera Lynn Childs’ SWEET VENOM and Audrey Colthurt’s OF FIRE AND STARS. </span><span style="color: red;">Great! Good comps.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="color: black;">I’m a published playwright and have had seven plays produced across the country since 2008. In addition, </span>I’ve won four awards at the Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival and have been a contributing writer for Smock Alley Theater and the Gaiety School of Acting in Ireland.</span><span style="color: red;"> Awesome bio!</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Thank you for your time and consideration.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Sincerely, </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">As you can see, most of my comments her want more details and more specificity. This is really key in queries, while being brief you always want to hit on as many specific details as possible because just like on the page that's what helps us buy into the world of your story.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">FIRST PAGE</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"> I didn’t mean to do it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> Really, I didn’t. </span><span style="color: red;">This is grabby, but a little too vague too get me with both hands.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> Okay, maybe I did mean to steal the case file from my mom's office and maybe I intended to use my Affinity </span><span style="color: red;">No idea what this is.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> to help my parents, and myself, just a little bit. </span><span style="color: red;">I think a punctuation change could make this a bit punchier and funnier too. I'd put a period after parents. Then make "And myself" it's own sentence. And then "Just a little bit" it's own sentence as well. Paragraph break after that.</span><span style="color: #222222;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: #222222;"> The disappearance of Jessica Obderon was </span><i style="color: #222222;">the </i><span style="color: #222222;">case. The case that got my parents into detective work and had plagued them for years. </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";">And maybe I wasn’t thinking so clearly because I finally identified the girl who’d been haunting my dreams for months. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="color: red;">Okay, woh. Slllooowww down. You are throwing so much at me all at once and it's too much. Maybe just tell us about the case and how it's plagued her parents. Let the reader know (and care!) what's going on with that before getting into the whole dream thing. As a reader you want to sink into a story, you want to feel like the author has everything under control and is going to give you all the facts as needed in due time. </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times new roman";"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> What I did not mean to do was somehow, accidentally, unintentionally conjure a ghost in the backyard. </span><span style="color: red;">This is funny and the line is great, but again you are just throwing so much at the reader that I don't know what to focus on.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"> That had never been the plan. That was a mistake.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> Leading up to this panicked moment was a series of impatience, fear, and bouts of insomnia </span><span style="color: red;">This sentence reads a bit awkwardly to me. </span><span style="color: #222222;">Since my eighteenth birthday, I’d been having a recurring dream about the same girl.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"> The dream never changed.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"> My eyes are forced open by a slice of light cutting across the room. A streak of yellow splitting the still black of the night. I stare up, witnessing a shadow elongate along the smooth ceiling. It slithers amongst the grooves, growing as the figure approaches. My body twitches like my muscles are foreign and I’m trying to figure out how fingers move. The urge to scream crackles in my throat and I want to call out. Then the face of a young woman fills my vision.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"> Her dark hair is ruffled like she’d slept with hairspray in it, her smile tense with preoccupation. Her grey eyes are glassy, the crinkles beside them revealing her stress. She is rather beautiful with her heart shaped face and thin cheeks, hardly my older than myself. I no longer want to cry. </span><span style="color: red;">Out of everything on this page, the dream is the part I like the least. It's the only part where I'm not going, "oooh tell me more about that." But that response might partially be due to having so many things on this first page, that my the time I get to the dream I'm a little burned out. Overall, the writing here is good. The voice is fun and has lots of potential. I'd slow this way down. Let it breathe a little more on the page. I think there's often this feeling that a first page needs to be a juggling act with a hundred balls and all of them on fire - just to grab and hold the readers attention. But you really don't. There's a good story in here - give the reader more than little glimpses of it and tell it in that great voice - and your readers will want more.</span></span></i></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-46776073472056062972017-07-18T20:00:00.000-04:002017-07-18T20:00:20.559-04:00Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCW6VAEc8ZBtMAJG4UOlPzPT7CPjQ9wm-RkXRfXVlhkYvYO1u3dNefB8CLPKTgFUwi0ZHlgGqcQZAu3x9DWpXOhuiSXDNEqKMLr3gcvC4uTzb3jMeKJpjOuDuPbolgYY35GYaw3cp-BL4/s1600/everybody+dance+now+michael+scott.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="205" data-original-width="400" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCW6VAEc8ZBtMAJG4UOlPzPT7CPjQ9wm-RkXRfXVlhkYvYO1u3dNefB8CLPKTgFUwi0ZHlgGqcQZAu3x9DWpXOhuiSXDNEqKMLr3gcvC4uTzb3jMeKJpjOuDuPbolgYY35GYaw3cp-BL4/s320/everybody+dance+now+michael+scott.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Welcome! I assume you're here for the #PitchWars Mentor Blog Hop. Or maybe you're just here for the gifs. Either way, you're in the right place! So welcome!</div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;">For those who don't know what #PitchWars is - here's the deal: The brilliant amazing possibly super-powered Brenda Drake organizes this awesome contest that connects aspiring writers with mentors (like me!) and then we work together scrubbing and shining the aspiring author's manuscript until it is so stinking sparkly that agents will fight for the right to call it their own. For more info and to be part of the contest YOU MUST <span style="color: #7d181e;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_1513081970">go to </a></span></span><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="color: #7d181e;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_1513081970">Brenda Drake's blog</a></span></span></span><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><a href="http://www.brenda-drake.com/pitch-wars/">.</a> </span></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So this year marks my fourth go round as a PW mentor... which wow. It's really such an honor to be a part of this amazing contest. The reason I chose "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)", the iconic pump-up jam from C&C Music Factory, as my blog title this year is because everybody is dancing (and sweating a little bit) as part of this contest. Right now this blog post is my chance to dance and hopefully get the attention of some folks out there with some wonderful manuscripts that maybe need just a little extra loving to put them over the top. I want the chance to give that extra loving! </span></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7xQOaTBM9YP87WqaAZAf9V7ymhQAl2lEXTbv2-bZX4RBV3XpIoRPhZ56JtSuDo9QZ7vhxPNP0ZJO9CrqDtxJ2CQqL2d_Jrp0V9CY3X7hKqS_CFb8mThSjQ8DZqZHI3nbUOChYlVPY5rY/s1600/dance+bunny.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="294" data-original-width="393" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7xQOaTBM9YP87WqaAZAf9V7ymhQAl2lEXTbv2-bZX4RBV3XpIoRPhZ56JtSuDo9QZ7vhxPNP0ZJO9CrqDtxJ2CQqL2d_Jrp0V9CY3X7hKqS_CFb8mThSjQ8DZqZHI3nbUOChYlVPY5rY/s320/dance+bunny.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So this blog post is really just me, doing my little dance, trying to convince you that I would be an amazing mentor. Then later, when it's time to submit queries and first chapters, it'll be the mentees turn to show off their moves.</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2z9Y0kQlFLdtMJnr4cepMWjtI0-t8eWN85j2zkQV_5HoRmu-UdXlNWuPJEdMkI1SpEujSugVkXiNOzPchz7TIwuw3DRS4WCNW4Ga3aKYriMuehcRm5eAIsBDMpdKQQkRJRvc0k-t7PhM/s1600/dance+brad+pitt.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="351" data-original-width="427" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2z9Y0kQlFLdtMJnr4cepMWjtI0-t8eWN85j2zkQV_5HoRmu-UdXlNWuPJEdMkI1SpEujSugVkXiNOzPchz7TIwuw3DRS4WCNW4Ga3aKYriMuehcRm5eAIsBDMpdKQQkRJRvc0k-t7PhM/s320/dance+brad+pitt.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGgixogjLpRr5PuBqUmT7dxq3yLcWWTnSELEBL2F5zbHXuk9u61fFaFLTXxGNwSYBqrb8GfN_EzGQ9DcuRBCmUZGripEdoyP8avktxG9_Z7oQhGFXk6C4ZdbBkEI8vxjnbmvs0vGZT1I8/s1600/dance+breakdance.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="215" data-original-width="500" height="137" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGgixogjLpRr5PuBqUmT7dxq3yLcWWTnSELEBL2F5zbHXuk9u61fFaFLTXxGNwSYBqrb8GfN_EzGQ9DcuRBCmUZGripEdoyP8avktxG9_Z7oQhGFXk6C4ZdbBkEI8vxjnbmvs0vGZT1I8/s320/dance+breakdance.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBOvnch50nbVSxLA-7n0SWaGx2NFXjHt84ht-Kx2KJd24JIkEiperqX5YXyS0LlYHT5-1hjEooTunp8ytGG8pmFTdDxX-Q3ywcC9eoROCbAf_2ZUGQJNoeZnHopIIKolPqbSrmPOOaHCQ/s1600/dance+costume+characters.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="164" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBOvnch50nbVSxLA-7n0SWaGx2NFXjHt84ht-Kx2KJd24JIkEiperqX5YXyS0LlYHT5-1hjEooTunp8ytGG8pmFTdDxX-Q3ywcC9eoROCbAf_2ZUGQJNoeZnHopIIKolPqbSrmPOOaHCQ/s1600/dance+costume+characters.gif" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwOn1jEg9whz6VnHw3283snAbPMekHq934G-Q5zku4s8_2uHkQU8D3xuLNGJj_a-bvbfl0-r7mx16rOL3RNaEJlp0WuvOH44mhUc9XMDRMuRDjPzBSPhS5mj8817U9VKiaiYI49DuZVzo/s1600/dance+dorky+eighties+guys.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="274" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwOn1jEg9whz6VnHw3283snAbPMekHq934G-Q5zku4s8_2uHkQU8D3xuLNGJj_a-bvbfl0-r7mx16rOL3RNaEJlp0WuvOH44mhUc9XMDRMuRDjPzBSPhS5mj8817U9VKiaiYI49DuZVzo/s1600/dance+dorky+eighties+guys.gif" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSqpQ9xEOYTjTpCTe_RDLbgeqo4gbponSdMcAT087t2hoxtm_5gT34MbkTmNbnu9gukkA3GE8YRrzfjM03DM6o_J5bQtdow0YOCG4jvxOzfjENpTa3xg6jm07kjgJtEt9r-SOaXbZxC1k/s1600/dance+gru.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="258" data-original-width="500" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSqpQ9xEOYTjTpCTe_RDLbgeqo4gbponSdMcAT087t2hoxtm_5gT34MbkTmNbnu9gukkA3GE8YRrzfjM03DM6o_J5bQtdow0YOCG4jvxOzfjENpTa3xg6jm07kjgJtEt9r-SOaXbZxC1k/s320/dance+gru.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXa2184ZKNz-zpROJ_3tFC0GpBMcAcvhyxE0x4ocKEHTHCTgTr7AcU0qC5OAlEzy_ZqwPZjileEKWjbqx08kKEp6wq7fmGLUQkQDSWf3C2jdKDfISiwbkE1fpdqe1FwxKyb5hMnXDoFIE/s1600/dance+lilo+and+stitch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="275" data-original-width="500" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXa2184ZKNz-zpROJ_3tFC0GpBMcAcvhyxE0x4ocKEHTHCTgTr7AcU0qC5OAlEzy_ZqwPZjileEKWjbqx08kKEp6wq7fmGLUQkQDSWf3C2jdKDfISiwbkE1fpdqe1FwxKyb5hMnXDoFIE/s320/dance+lilo+and+stitch.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMUCJc6DCNSYmQ1tXsAAOWh5giUUjIZoQ-HS_tdxfOfcAXwJXDepJy-SHe4oCPNqkNg6sIQGorFt6vth3kylKbmlDpGFVfKQs5u2gLf3QuiUr3tbdLm_6bxDkXXFdh_l1ZxKv7NGhBVk/s1600/dance+office+elevator.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="208" data-original-width="370" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMUCJc6DCNSYmQ1tXsAAOWh5giUUjIZoQ-HS_tdxfOfcAXwJXDepJy-SHe4oCPNqkNg6sIQGorFt6vth3kylKbmlDpGFVfKQs5u2gLf3QuiUr3tbdLm_6bxDkXXFdh_l1ZxKv7NGhBVk/s320/dance+office+elevator.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Alll their different moves.</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And by dance I, of course, mean write. Dance gifs are just way more fun than writing gifs. Well, except for this one.</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikHhqcWIIosoI3FZ607y7x1O1KpxxryOhQUVjQAtT5GwbA3GFdSOEpih8HrPQ59eu_78iNTbv3JDbMiNTdXE6z0jAyvq-gJS8dOyLV3mwVsiom2iYEuAzIGjAFEwfJ-8ctxyvPdCT-ndk/s1600/writing.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikHhqcWIIosoI3FZ607y7x1O1KpxxryOhQUVjQAtT5GwbA3GFdSOEpih8HrPQ59eu_78iNTbv3JDbMiNTdXE6z0jAyvq-gJS8dOyLV3mwVsiom2iYEuAzIGjAFEwfJ-8ctxyvPdCT-ndk/s320/writing.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Oh, if only I could write like that.</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This year, though, I am not doing the **Please Pick Me For Your Mentor** dance alone. Instead I</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"> am once again be co-mentoring with the amazing Mindy McGinnis! </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV5ZatIdIbiZYH2wNfAaaNv0Gc427rGQCUdItQ8IH0sEIfwmTGjjJ9jwi1nMnbYzvhe3dMMiRT1YERITU9VR8p3G_N7C1z9jLzq9gTfntgAQFq_rgHkznKKOzczM2kAZrI_iQRhg1B4lk/s1600/dance+twin+girls.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="336" data-original-width="400" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV5ZatIdIbiZYH2wNfAaaNv0Gc427rGQCUdItQ8IH0sEIfwmTGjjJ9jwi1nMnbYzvhe3dMMiRT1YERITU9VR8p3G_N7C1z9jLzq9gTfntgAQFq_rgHkznKKOzczM2kAZrI_iQRhg1B4lk/s320/dance+twin+girls.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">Because two mentors are way better than one.</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">Not only is Mindy an amazing author (see: </span><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13112869-not-a-drop-to-drink?from_search=true&search_version=service" style="color: #7d181e; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">NOT A DROP TO DRINK</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">, </span><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25812109-the-female-of-the-species" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif;">THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">, </span><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25314447-given-to-the-sea" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif;">GIVEN TO THE SEA</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">, and the upcoming </span><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30249925-this-darkness-mine" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif;">THIS DARKNESS MINE</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">) and a wonderful friend, but she is a fabulous critique partner as well. If you are a believer in the two heads are better than one theory, well you're in luck because Mindy and I will be working in tandem to make your manuscript shine. (And if you're wondering what kind of manuscripts Mindy will be looking for and how she likes to critique make sure to visit</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"> </span><span style="color: #7d181e; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><a href="https://writerwriterpantsonfire.blogspot.com/2017/07/pitchwars-what-to-know-about-me-as.html">her blog</a></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;"><a href="https://writerwriterpantsonfire.blogspot.com/2017/07/pitchwars-what-to-know-about-me-as.html">!</a> She also has the mystery word you'll need to complete the scavenger hunt AND a giveaway to win an ARC of her newest book releasing this Fall.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">)</span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</span></div><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif;">And like last year I (along with Mindy) will once again be mentoring...</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fefdfa; clear: both; color: #333333;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg4IbxyfVKOb01dZy00zJ8ejZEaE74BfVsOo8G-xeuDgUsoVeqf4FQuTiYmAQoJsdpEzWdUQ-cnWcmh8whWn__I7flv_6RxYaBsJJbVI_S1KcvhWRfQMOX-bFEk4tDYQ_UivPbamsci7k/s1600/i+read+YA.gif" imageanchor="1" style="color: #7d181e; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg4IbxyfVKOb01dZy00zJ8ejZEaE74BfVsOo8G-xeuDgUsoVeqf4FQuTiYmAQoJsdpEzWdUQ-cnWcmh8whWn__I7flv_6RxYaBsJJbVI_S1KcvhWRfQMOX-bFEk4tDYQ_UivPbamsci7k/s320/i+read+YA.gif" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border-radius: 5px; border: 1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 20px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; line-height: 18.2px;">Yep YOUNG ADULT!!! Yay!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; line-height: 18.2px;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;">Mindy and I are looking for a mentee we can dance with. Now what does that mean?</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGg2oUZA33hO7LCo-N_RpOtaumx9EBf4oHOrC6A14CgcD7qLs8UfGDxPndkGFHexAAC_iZ7m2YTnIksq8X6K0gG3IvXi-ZarF0InJ_2483Vl_3FDHXyE4QjdMCjurWwh6ISq_75_jQFD0/s1600/dance+scooby.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="374" data-original-width="500" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGg2oUZA33hO7LCo-N_RpOtaumx9EBf4oHOrC6A14CgcD7qLs8UfGDxPndkGFHexAAC_iZ7m2YTnIksq8X6K0gG3IvXi-ZarF0InJ_2483Vl_3FDHXyE4QjdMCjurWwh6ISq_75_jQFD0/s320/dance+scooby.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;">Well for me... I love s</span>trong often unlikeable protagonists, complicated antagonists, kick-ass girls, romance, depth and darkness, fun, having my heart ripped out, laugh-out-loud moments, mystery, thrills, paranormal/historical/SFF elements, contemporary type hi jinks, cute puppies, Wes Anderson style quirkiness, and some old fashioned (or new fangled) weirdness.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Your book does <i>not</i> need to have all of those elements. Actually, it definitely shouldn't because my head would explode and that would impede my mentoring abilities. BUT the one thing I MUST have is strong writing. That doesn't mean it has to be literary or lyrical or bursting at the seams with similes (oh please definitely NOT that last one), but it needs to have that certain something that's a mixture of craft and voice and your own personal secret sauce that makes every page sing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">So basically I am open to everything and I never really know what exactly will grab me. I am definitely NOT turned off by language, sex, or violence - in fact, when it's a necessary part of the story, I believe it's important to include these elements. But your character does not have to drop f-bombs for me to love them.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">If you want a good idea of what I like to read check out my <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/5913455-kate-quinn?shelf=read" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Goodreads</a>. I try to keep this updated every few months with what I've recently read. </div><div><br />
</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-size: 13px;">S</span>o that's what I'm looking for. But what am I gonna do for you? You'll get all of my best moves.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYpVqCWploiB7Wb5L1-PGCZ9nVvXtTeycNr8tlFL0Wdbne1rRVESsaHSa5JpheZG4d1vVe8AjtIS0nMuDIYmKZCGDEgCBi9c9CK6gebmVjbDE6n8h-4vrWOfI2WZNqj-22U_TQhiogB80/s1600/barbie+dance.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="208" data-original-width="500" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYpVqCWploiB7Wb5L1-PGCZ9nVvXtTeycNr8tlFL0Wdbne1rRVESsaHSa5JpheZG4d1vVe8AjtIS0nMuDIYmKZCGDEgCBi9c9CK6gebmVjbDE6n8h-4vrWOfI2WZNqj-22U_TQhiogB80/s320/barbie+dance.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV5G5fflQ0rNLcdbyn_UkthzGMOD2kvJHIxkv_8ZO4qNiJ2ATj0YqNptz2rWkjM6jzUdg-8-Mb1AoQg4xzQttJ_5NJ5WvnF72SRUGr42sQCndUluHa0mCfdQWgixP230l7-sYnBcy-sGM/s1600/napoleon+dynamite+dance.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="405" data-original-width="720" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV5G5fflQ0rNLcdbyn_UkthzGMOD2kvJHIxkv_8ZO4qNiJ2ATj0YqNptz2rWkjM6jzUdg-8-Mb1AoQg4xzQttJ_5NJ5WvnF72SRUGr42sQCndUluHa0mCfdQWgixP230l7-sYnBcy-sGM/s400/napoleon+dynamite+dance.gif" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6nJwPQ736ojAsSbcJZUbMnU-r3fF1zI9XUBZhbfiRvsJANZQ5kYi2rIiU2_wZBVY9rZhfrI7s9BrDhtwhNIVlSD3Emd5flaKTepsuSUThAcw9qslejITTM2zBzDjGZS172yvz-fH3TCI/s1600/tapping.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="385" data-original-width="500" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6nJwPQ736ojAsSbcJZUbMnU-r3fF1zI9XUBZhbfiRvsJANZQ5kYi2rIiU2_wZBVY9rZhfrI7s9BrDhtwhNIVlSD3Emd5flaKTepsuSUThAcw9qslejITTM2zBzDjGZS172yvz-fH3TCI/s320/tapping.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgXeCwOoBqneZptSZ3xoouDXtI4DAmDeuwG6cQHADzeRKTjDVurEF8cxEn2OCxv16ijvor1yGYpUOw8gyiHnORmdrBfnZa9MMS1wwWD2M2lgRENPnd3RfsEKG_FIWZJHqrDrhm0SbAeA/s1600/dance+movie.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="198" data-original-width="480" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgXeCwOoBqneZptSZ3xoouDXtI4DAmDeuwG6cQHADzeRKTjDVurEF8cxEn2OCxv16ijvor1yGYpUOw8gyiHnORmdrBfnZa9MMS1wwWD2M2lgRENPnd3RfsEKG_FIWZJHqrDrhm0SbAeA/s320/dance+movie.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">You could say I have a strong arts backgrounds. Or you could say I have two college degrees of questionable worth. I prefer the former. Anyway, from undergrad I have a BFA in theatre and then, after several years of graduate school, I gained an MFA in film and television production.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">I am represented by Suzie Townsend of New Leaf Literary. My own books are: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12665819-another-little-piece" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">ANOTHER LITTLE PIECE</a> (HarperTeen 2013), <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18599667-don-t-you-forget-about-me" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">(DON'T YOU) FORGET ABOUT ME</a> (HarperTeen 2014), and <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25647300-down-with-the-shine" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">DOWN WITH THE SHINE</a> (HarperTeen, 2016).</div><div style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQX4t84Lyhfkpse_HAe0KdVKUn1eahDHCXnUjtGzxXkc4-FptdfGlVSdOlArQ9UgI_elFfL2SuL7TXWXI4hzZauZwrTcs0k1GKINj0QhDc_aDfamZzxTKukhaWItrxeN7_Fwm1RnXSZk/s1600/DownWiththeShine+FINAL+COVER.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #7d181e; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQX4t84Lyhfkpse_HAe0KdVKUn1eahDHCXnUjtGzxXkc4-FptdfGlVSdOlArQ9UgI_elFfL2SuL7TXWXI4hzZauZwrTcs0k1GKINj0QhDc_aDfamZzxTKukhaWItrxeN7_Fwm1RnXSZk/s200/DownWiththeShine+FINAL+COVER.jpg" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border-radius: 5px; border: 1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 20px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="131" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSKVLUMav5xaGgwy9HRyHSzG8yxyZcE-dXdgNOvEU_Wj7_Zu7_7KdIR2VpXcBFkO9POFaOmK5luuO3PSKzG5HR2fW-ItzXh_GeL3Qef-ZTk-g-mqE1clRt_9uKxXZrgV-e63_cOXR2fiU/s1600/don%2527t+you+forget+about+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #7d181e; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSKVLUMav5xaGgwy9HRyHSzG8yxyZcE-dXdgNOvEU_Wj7_Zu7_7KdIR2VpXcBFkO9POFaOmK5luuO3PSKzG5HR2fW-ItzXh_GeL3Qef-ZTk-g-mqE1clRt_9uKxXZrgV-e63_cOXR2fiU/s200/don%2527t+you+forget+about+me.jpg" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border-radius: 5px; border: 1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 20px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="131" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYiSMfxlsPPIigC9pNFczaTYSON-R7-ZSiWYVE2lSzGmh8erNAkcTZuScf_AJD__fgBIypXIK8ofoR2AoaUyZk9bolGtgsImn64YAI3zE8gBGu7_WQAaAr3VFADO69dlcqGANBLDQ-GPY/s1600/Another+Little+Piece+Cover.png" imageanchor="1" style="color: #7d181e; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYiSMfxlsPPIigC9pNFczaTYSON-R7-ZSiWYVE2lSzGmh8erNAkcTZuScf_AJD__fgBIypXIK8ofoR2AoaUyZk9bolGtgsImn64YAI3zE8gBGu7_WQAaAr3VFADO69dlcqGANBLDQ-GPY/s200/Another+Little+Piece+Cover.png" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border-radius: 5px; border: 1px solid rgb(204, 204, 204); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 20px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="135" /></a></div><br style="font-size: 13px;" /> <div><span style="line-height: 18.2px;">And here are a few places you can find me online:</span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/KateKaryusQuinn" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">@katekaryusquinn</a> (I'll be tweeting with the #PitchWars hashtag, so make sure you're following me!)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Tumblr: <a href="http://katekaryusquinn.tumblr.com/" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">katekaryusquinn</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">facebook: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/katekaryusquinnauthor" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;">https://www.facebook.com/katekaryusquinnauthor</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Instagram: <a href="https://instagram.com/katekaryusquinn/" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;">https://instagram.com/katekaryusquinn/</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">So what kind of feedback can you expect from me? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">...Actually let me start with what you <i>won't</i> get from me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">I am not big on correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, and other things of that nature. That's not to say that these things are not important - they are. I am just not the person to make those elements shine. If I notice them, I'll mark them, but I'm not the eagle-eyed type who catches everyone of those things.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">I also don't expect you to write like me. Or to write your story the way that I'd write it. Instead, I want to help you write the story in your voice and style, and tell it the way you need it to be told. I will, however, occasionally throw different ideas out. In my screenwriting classes ages and ages ago (see that MFA does come in handy!) my one teacher used to call the process of throwing different ideas out spitballing. Sometimes you use the spitballed idea, but mostly it just helps get your own ideas flowing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">I will never tell you that your story sucks. Or you suck. That doesn't mean I'll only have positive things to say, because ooohhhh trust me I will point out what is not working for me. But I also always make a point of talking about the things that are working oh so very well. Personally, I find the odd "YAY!!" "HEE HEE HEE!" or "LOVE LOVE LOVE!" comments can make an otherwise tough critique go down a lot easier.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Finally, do not expect only a line or two of notes for feedback. As you may have guessed from this blog post, I can be a little long winded at times. And yes, sometimes I do go on and on and on and... Okay, I'll stop now. The point is, I tend it give pretty long critiques with lots and lots and lots of thoughts. </div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">You can also check out the first page critiques that Mindy and I did on Brenda's blog to get an idea of how we dance (and critique) together. Usually, we're pretty closely in sync.</div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL9rpUrmmrxpoHE17AQ8l7tXZXnz3UQKDfFCPD2eGb32KT64pRcPbJJo3mgXQrpivzQ11Px6Tidb4rf4USOg2Hnt-HTSzkXanSZhFcRJj_rY6yN_vDp_dkWyLiNYeve7Tb9q1XYSdu0RU/s1600/dance+batman+and+robin.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="500" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL9rpUrmmrxpoHE17AQ8l7tXZXnz3UQKDfFCPD2eGb32KT64pRcPbJJo3mgXQrpivzQ11Px6Tidb4rf4USOg2Hnt-HTSzkXanSZhFcRJj_rY6yN_vDp_dkWyLiNYeve7Tb9q1XYSdu0RU/s320/dance+batman+and+robin.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Okay, we're almost done here, but in case some of you are reading this and wondering, "Okay but what if I submit my work to you and don't get picked as your mentee, cause that sort of sucks." </div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Well yes, it does suck (although hey if you want to be in this business handling rejection is unfortunately a huge part of it). BUT you might get chosen as someone else's mentee (which is why you get several picks) and that would be awesome! However, some people won't get picked and so Mindy and I had a discussion about what we can do for those writers. Cause let's face it - everyone can benefit from a little extra feedback. </div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOegPi6bd-8YKg1XZeBPpJ7XUn_BDZJWr_aAnU527e1v8kRHM_Js8iiYi6qN7ug8BwE6IC5JGTzfmRQJsFWTGBBZYMgyQQ5rsLq2jHefutMNg4wO05V1lIoHDt2r3kt-DjftOS4yYKK1U/s1600/chandelier.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="182" data-original-width="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOegPi6bd-8YKg1XZeBPpJ7XUn_BDZJWr_aAnU527e1v8kRHM_Js8iiYi6qN7ug8BwE6IC5JGTzfmRQJsFWTGBBZYMgyQQ5rsLq2jHefutMNg4wO05V1lIoHDt2r3kt-DjftOS4yYKK1U/s1600/chandelier.jpg" /></a></div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">So we put our heads together and decided to offer a query and first page critiques which will be posted publicly our own blogs to those who submit to us but are not chosen as mentees. If you're interested in that offer we'll email you once the mentees are announced and let you know how to collect on that offer. (Pssstt... I also offer paid critique services which is another option if you are not chosen for PitchWars. I try to keep my prices low to make it a manageable expense. You can find more about all that <a href="http://katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com/p/critique-services.html" style="color: #7d181e; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div></div><div class="" style="clear: both; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div></div></div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">Okay, how was that dance? Are you convinced that Mindy and I would be the best mentor for you and that come November we'll all be doing the happy celebratory dance together? </div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXaPCmBq-ZTFJnR09ieS24TWVNbk_Hdto4p_qIXxeK1d86q9dwYs_tlK1ytjLT9Ob-dkavRfayyh0YX0NCid0rtnRMKVFukFK3ZH-nL6LEUIAzlz7543b1O0yRQXoe3xjnTb_V5vL8UIU/s1600/celebrating+seinfeld.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="395" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXaPCmBq-ZTFJnR09ieS24TWVNbk_Hdto4p_qIXxeK1d86q9dwYs_tlK1ytjLT9Ob-dkavRfayyh0YX0NCid0rtnRMKVFukFK3ZH-nL6LEUIAzlz7543b1O0yRQXoe3xjnTb_V5vL8UIU/s400/celebrating+seinfeld.gif" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="" style="clear: both; line-height: 18.2px;">If you still have questions, you can find Mindy and me on Twitter. Or hit me up here in the comments. In fact, leave a comment here and on July 26th I'll do a first 500 words critique for one randomly chosen commenter. If you don't have a question, feel free to instead tell me what dance gif I should have included in my collection here. </div><script type="text/javascript">
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5426403201191804341.post-3828491539637541562017-03-13T23:47:00.001-04:002017-03-14T00:17:09.243-04:00BAD BLOOD Giveaway!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's release day for Demitria Lunetta's new novel, BAD BLOOD! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was lucky enough to read an advanced copy of this book. <span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">The wonderful Scottish setting and characters transported me to another place (and time - thanks to some well-placed flashbacks). There was just the right amount of magic and creepy mysteries to keep the pages turning, but not so much that I was afraid to turn my lights off at night. Best of all there was just a bit of romance, which was so very well done and something I always enjoy. All in all it's a great read and one I highly recommend. So t</span>rust me, you definitely want a copy. And as luck would have it, I am giving away a copy.</span><br />
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On a more personal note, Demitria is also a close friend of mine. Last year we were even co-mentors for PitchWars. If you have't yet heard of her amazing new book it's because she hasn't been able to do a lot of promo as she's been busy kicking cancer's ass since last November. Demitria has also been amazingly brave and honest about her whole journey so far and you can read more about it on her blog in a brilliant post title: <a href="http://demitrialunetta.blogspot.com/2016/11/my-cancer-diagnosis-how-my-left-breast.html" target="_blank">"My Cancer Diagnosis: How My Left Breast Is Trying To Kill Me"</a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVSPD0OCicE34FthnvN3wE579pjc1VIaYNICQJdS1SEcE5smlCAZLAcVtwiL-U63WUqP7Y1lD-08G8XuA0py_6A02mcRqg8i0dx5HEHEMGLFovesrNSLcUlXgU-4p5lAwuj314SEYkqgY/s1600/DL+bad+blood.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVSPD0OCicE34FthnvN3wE579pjc1VIaYNICQJdS1SEcE5smlCAZLAcVtwiL-U63WUqP7Y1lD-08G8XuA0py_6A02mcRqg8i0dx5HEHEMGLFovesrNSLcUlXgU-4p5lAwuj314SEYkqgY/s400/DL+bad+blood.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14px;">A girl discovers a family secret and a past full of magic that could both save her and put her in mortal danger in this suspenseful novel that’s perfect for fans of Katie Alender and Natasha Preston.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14px;">All sixteen-year-old Heather MacNair wants is to feel normal, to shed the intense paranoia she’s worn all year like a scratchy sweater. After her compulsion to self-harm came to light, Heather was kept under her doctor’s watchful eye. Her family thinks she’s better—and there’s nothing she wants more than for that to be true. She still can’t believe she’s allowed to spend her summer vacation as she always does: at her aunt’s home in Scotland, where she has lots of happy memories. Far away from all her problems save one: she can’t stop carving the Celtic knot that haunts her dreams into her skin.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14px;">Good friends and boys with Scottish accents can cure almost anything…except nightmares. Heather can’t stop dreaming about two sisters from centuries ago, twins Prudence and Primrose, who somehow seem tied to her own life. Their presence lurks just beneath the surface of her consciousness, sending ripples through what should be a peaceful summer. The twins might hold the key to putting Heather’s soul at rest…or they could slice her future deeper than any knife.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;">FIND IT ONLINE: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25226075-bad-blood" target="_blank">Goodreads</a>, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Bad-Blood-Demitria-Lunetta-ebook/dp/B01HA4P9UO" target="_blank">Amazon</a>, <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bad-blood-demitria-lunetta/1123950915;jsessionid=FCFD85EDC0A3E1DF5664FBDB1BEA686F.prodny_store01-atgap07?ean=9781101938058" target="_blank">Barnes and Noble</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;">FIND DEMITRIA ONLINE: <a href="https://twitter.com/DemitriaLunetta?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DemitriaLunettaAuthor/" target="_blank">Facebook</a></span></span></div>
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Kate Karyus Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15581176126578915929noreply@blogger.com